Bring on the Tuesday! Right, here we go.
On Sunday, tens of thousands of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish men gathered at Citi Field to protest the Internet. There would have been more, but no one could open the e-vite.
Mark Zuckerberg got married over the weekend. And on Monday morning, the value of his marriage dropped by 25%.
UK Prime Minister David Cameron said at this week' NATO summit that the UK will not desert the Afghan people after this war. And this time, they mean it.
Four tons of pot were found floating off the southern California coast this weekend. Great, so now we've got sharks with the munchies.
In his upcoming book, actor/director Billy Bob Thornton says our culture is crumbling. Prime evidence: he had sex with Angelina Jolie, and he's published a book.
A Boston University student was sentenced to pay $675,000 for illegally downloading 30 songs. To put that in Dharun Ravi terms, he would have to kill over 55 Tyler Clementis to get that same fine.
In Birmingham, UK, heavy metal superstars Black Sabbath are set to play a reunion gig as soon as they resolve a contract dispute with their original drummer. But rest assured, it's the most metal contract dispute in history. Pretty sure the contract is written in blood with lots of pentagrams.
And finally, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said recently that President Obama must "act like an adult" on the debt ceiling issue. Probably because Congress is already planning on acting like a bunch of babies.
And that's all! Until tomorrow, at least.
Showing posts with label nato. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nato. Show all posts
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - May 21, 2012
Did anyone see the eclipse yesterday? Better than Breaking Dawn, am I right? Oh, that was bad. Okay, the rest of this will probably be better. Fingers crossed!
Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.
Blind Chinese activist Chen Guangcheng made it to America this weekend, spending Sunday in New York. However, sources close to the dissident said he was rethinking his new home after a chance encounter with Donald Trump.
Pakistan censored Twitter on Saturday over posts about the "Everybody Draw Muhammad Day" contest, saying it was blasphemous and disruptive to society. But you can still watch "Call Me Maybe" on youtube.
This weekend, the NAACP came out in favor of marriage equality after realizing "oh, yeah, civil rights! Forgot about that. Sorry!"
In a speech at the NATO conference in Chicago this weekend, Francoise Hollande calmed international concerns over NATO's proposed missile defense shield when he reminded the world that there's no way the thing will ever work.
The National Weather Service tracked the impressive buildup and precipitous weakening of Tropical Storm Alberto this weekend off the coast of South Carolina. Looks like it should have been called "Tropical Storm Newt Gingrich!" BOOM! Only four months late!
Speaking of elections, third-party Americans Elect won a spot on the 2012 Oregon presidential ballot, but they have no candidate, which puts them ahead of the GOP. BOOM! Romney's a stuffed shirt!
Google's Executive Chairman Eric Schmidt told graduates at Boston College to turn off their screens for one hour and look into the eyes of the person they love. Bad news for the unloved losers! Also, a good way to scare someone away is to stare into their eyes for an hour each day, especially if your loved one is a chimpanzee, as they interpret that as a sign of aggression and will rip your arms off.
And finally, Maria Sharapova won the Italian Open this weekend, or some other tennis thing, making it totally justifiable and not at all creepy to look at pictures of her on the Internet. Stare at that for an hour, Boston College.
...and, SCENE! Till tomorrow, friends.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 10, 2012
Ever have one of those days when your computer is a total and complete bastard? I'm starting to think "lenovo" is French for "screw you, user." It's fine, though. I don't really like getting things done. Anyway, 90+ minutes later, and I'm back in the saddle, waiting for the blue screen of death to come for me. Before it does, let me tell you some jokes.
First, actress and funny person Kristen Wiig said yesterday that she thinks leaving Saturday Night Live will be "the hardest thing," probably because she's afraid Lorne Michaels is going to lock her in a room with Justin Timberlake and make them both do the Target sketch until one or both of them are dead. Read your contract, Kristen! Soylent Green is Michaela Watkins!
In international news, the U.S. is looking to deepen relations with Brazil, because the U.S. heard that Brazil is really good at relations, and will relate in all sorts of crazy ways that NATO countries just won't anymore.
That's a sex joke.
Britney Spears is petitioning a judge to add her new fiance to her financial conservatorship, along with her father, because she doesn't have any daddy issues.
The Iranian government blocked its people from accessing the 2012 Olympics website, angering no one.
ATT just sold its Yellow Pages business to Cerebus, who will probably flip through it looking for coupons, then leave it alone for several years before finally divesting it during a long-overdue spring cleaning/reorganization.
Microsoft is buying one billion dollars' worth of patents from AOL, raising the company's net worth to one billion dollars.
Actor Ray Liotta said he's tired of playing criminals on screen, and wants a romantic role. It's the most passive-aggressive retirement announcement ever.
And finally, the outlook is bleak for the ceasefire in Syria scheduled for today, following reports of government forces confiscating all of the country's calendars. Should have seen that coming.
And that's all. Till tomorrow!
First, actress and funny person Kristen Wiig said yesterday that she thinks leaving Saturday Night Live will be "the hardest thing," probably because she's afraid Lorne Michaels is going to lock her in a room with Justin Timberlake and make them both do the Target sketch until one or both of them are dead. Read your contract, Kristen! Soylent Green is Michaela Watkins!
In international news, the U.S. is looking to deepen relations with Brazil, because the U.S. heard that Brazil is really good at relations, and will relate in all sorts of crazy ways that NATO countries just won't anymore.
That's a sex joke.
Britney Spears is petitioning a judge to add her new fiance to her financial conservatorship, along with her father, because she doesn't have any daddy issues.
The Iranian government blocked its people from accessing the 2012 Olympics website, angering no one.
ATT just sold its Yellow Pages business to Cerebus, who will probably flip through it looking for coupons, then leave it alone for several years before finally divesting it during a long-overdue spring cleaning/reorganization.
Microsoft is buying one billion dollars' worth of patents from AOL, raising the company's net worth to one billion dollars.
Actor Ray Liotta said he's tired of playing criminals on screen, and wants a romantic role. It's the most passive-aggressive retirement announcement ever.
And finally, the outlook is bleak for the ceasefire in Syria scheduled for today, following reports of government forces confiscating all of the country's calendars. Should have seen that coming.
And that's all. Till tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 22, 2012
Happy Wednesday! It's LENT! HIP-HIP-HOORAY FOR PENANCE! I hope you have a great Lent! What's the traditional Lent candy? Bits of Ash? Sounds great. Okay, joke it up.
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 27, 2011
Hi, everybody! Are you ready for Thursday? I damn sure am. Each Thursday brings us one week closer to the eventual cancellation of Whitney, so let's keep plugging along. I can't wait until I'm successful enough to have an awful show, too. Then finally me and Denis Leary will have something in common. Okay, enough snark. What is this, the Internet? Alright, let's see what's funny today that we won't give a crap about on Monday.
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
Bernie Madoff's wife revealed yesterday that after his arrest for stealing billions of dollars in a ponzi scheme, she and her husband tried to commit suicide. Well, thanks Bernie. Your association with it has finally removed any chance that anyone would ever think suicide is cool.
Speaking of sad times, reports are coming out about catastrophic morale problems among employees at Yahoo.com. The problem is worst for those employees who realize that they still work for Yahoo.com.
In entertainment news, Warner Bros will not be licensing its movies to Blockbuster for rental. Instead they will be opting for a plan where audiences are actually able to see the films.
A Federal judge in San Francisco just dismissed a class action suit against Yelp.com. Well, I know one judge who's yelp.com page is going to get some seriously great reviews.
In more legal news, family members of slain sociopath Moamar Gaddhafi (sp?) are planning to sue NATO for causing his recent death. They are going to be disappointed when they find out they don't control the courts any more. Also, Conrad Murray's legal team will be representing them.
Yesterday President Obama announced a plan to offer relief to those struggling with student loan debt. It's all part of his "hey, young people: remember when you used to like me? Come on, wouldn't it be fun to vote for me again?" campaign.
A study of population growth found that the population of the United Kingdom could reach 70m by 2027. Look out developing world, sounds like the Queen is about to get all colony-happy again.
And lastly, the Chinese government will be instituting new rules to curbing "overly entertaining" television programming from and inspired by the west, as the central government fears the population is becoming too devoted and preoccupied with entertaining television shows. NBC China will remain unchanged.
That's all! Spencer brings you jokes tomorrow, and I'll be back on Monday. Till then, follow me on twitter @SoonerSeth, keep reading the Late Night Morning and may your days always be great!
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