Welcome back.
Electronics giant Sony will reportedly be cutting 10,000 jobs in an effort to make the company profitable again. You should expect the next installment of Grand Tourismo to feature a lot more used cars.
Film director and explorer James Cameron said he is delaying production on Avatar 2 until after Disney releases Pocahontas 2 so he can copy the plot.
In Moscow, Red Square is now open to anti-Putin protesters. No word yet on if and when they will be allowed to leave.
At the Masters tournament, golfer Tiger Woods lost his temper after a missed shot and threw his golf club. Looks like someone has a little impulse-control problem...
At his Easter Mass, Pope Benedict said that mankind is "groping in the dark." Vatican lawyers were unavailable for comment.
An NBC News producer was fired over the weekend for editing the audio from George Zimmerman's 911 call made before he shot and killed Trayvon Martin, leading to a possible police cover-up of the incident. And so ends the only punishment for anyone involved.
In GOP primary news, Republican superdelegates are saying that, thanks to their support for Romney, that the race is now effectively over. Good. This whole campaign was getting dangerously close to giving voters a voice.
In China, a teenage boy reportedly sold his kidney to raise money for, among other things, an iPhone. Boy, is he going to be pissed when the iPhone 5 comes out. Well, half-pissed, anyway.
And finally, Rob Schneider, comedian and star of the new series Rob, said recently that after decades in show business, he is still "just getting started," which sounds like a threat to me.
And that's it! See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label sony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sony. Show all posts
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 6, 2012
Okay, here we go. Can you overdose on Vitamin C? I'm gonna find out. While I do that, enjoy these jokes!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 23, 2012
Bring it on, friends. Let's have some laughs, eh?
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held for two days by French police in connection with a prostitution ring. Strauss-Kahn's involvement was suspected due to his incredible creepiness, and the fact that he kept asking police to smell his fingers.
I apologize for that.
In Egypt, the verdict for Hosni Mubarak's trial has been set for June 2nd of this year. Wonder what the verdict will be... Honestly, the finale for America's Top Model is probably more hotly contested than this verdict.
Microsoft is working on making a version of Office for iPad, but they haven't yet figure out how to crash the entire system.
Speaking of the system, human rights activists are protesting Germany for it's practice of castrating sex offenders. Said one spokesman for Germany, "we gave the world Nazis and Grimm's fairy tales. A little castration is pretty much as mild as we get."
Megaupload founder Kim Dotcom is out on bail, however he can't use the Internet or his helicopters. Honestly, what's the point of freedom?
The new Sony handheld game system debuted this week. Early reports indicate the Vita has a slower load time than its competitors, making it take just that much longer for your personal information to be stolen.
In Virginia, Governor Bob McDonnell is backing away from a controversial law requiring penetrative vaginal probing for any woman seeking an abortion. Instead, she'll just have to wait until last call.
And finally, speaking of women, a study recently found that women with migraines more likely to be depressed. Also, women with broken legs are more likely to move slowly. Thanks, Science.
That's all for now!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2012
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's happenin'? It's Thursday already. Seems like just yesterday it was Wednesday. Oh, we were so innocent then. Not so innocent: these jokes.
Enjoy them!
In North Carolina, a food inspector at a local school confiscated a preschooler's homemade lunch. Although in his defense, the kid did tell him it was chicken-fried boogers.
Advisors for President Obama say his upcoming speeches on the economy will highlight what he calls "insourcing" by employers. I think that means he'll be talking about Jeremy Lin.
Speaking of Lin, the new basketball phenom said he's enjoyed playing for the New York Knicks, but looks forward to someday playing for an NBA team.
A so-called boy genius just published a memoir about his time spent in college as an eight year old. Some genius. He goes to college 13 years before he can drink.
Sony music apologized yesterday for hiking the price of Whitney Houston albums following the star's death. A spokesman for the company said "we meant no disrespect to Ms. Houston or her fans. We're just trying to exploit both as much as we possibly can for financial gain."
West Hollywood musician Craig Phillips was honored by the American Guild of Organists this week. I've been assured that this isn't an innuendo.
Myspace touted a gain of one million new users last month, in a clear indication that Myspace is now retro. Please feel free to enjoy it with all the irony you can muster.
And finally, the lineup for this year's Bonnaroo music festival was released this week, in case you need something to talk about with the a-holes at Starbucks.
That's it! Have a great Thursday! And if you haven't already, and you're in the Oklahoma City area, come see me, BradChad Porter and Marc Maron at the City Arts Center this Saturday night! It's gonna be super rad.
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 13, 2011
It's finally Thursday, everyone! No sketch this week, just some good old fashioned topical humor. "Enjoy!"
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Yesterday, email service on the popular Blackberry devices went down for several hours, forcing angry customers to actually pay attention to their surroundings and, in some dire circumstances, children.
In happier news, the Chrysler Motor Company reached a labor agreement with the United Auto Workers union, keeping them on the job and averting a strike. In a rare double-whammy agreement, the UAW also agreed to play the first two weeks of games for the NBA season this year.
In Detroit, the so-called "Underpants bomber" plead guilty at trial yesterday. He remained defiant, however. When asked if he had any regrets about the attempted bombing, he told the judge to "blow it out your ass."
Medical news: scientists have recreated the genetic code of the Black Death, the virulent form of bubonic plague that killed a third of Europe's population several hundred years ago. Said one scientist, "pretty cool, right? Not sure what we're going to do with it. Man, sure hope that beaker doesn't fall over and break. Am I right!?"
Musician and poet Bob Dylan is taking up the bagpipes. A piece of advice: please don't go electric with this one.
The celebrity gossip blog TMZ is now offering a shame tour of Los Angeles for only $49. The bus tour will take tourists through all disgusting, sordid stories of Hollywood. It will also, quite likely, serve as a taxi service for Charlie Sheen.
Sony recalled some of their flatscreen TVs after owners noticed the units started smoking. Sony is investigating the problem, but early rumors attribute the problem to "peer pressure."
And lastly, a Google software engineer ripped the Google+ social networking platform, calling it a "complete failure." Fortunately he did it on Google+, so no one saw it.
And so it ends for me this week. Come back for some Spencer Hicks goodness tomorrow. I'll be back on Monday.
Til then, have a great day!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 8, 2011
Seriously, I'm done with banter. I won't even mention the new socks I got today. I won't talk about how they're both black and gray, nor will I mention the padding, stitching or elasticity. I also won't tweet any images of myself wearing the socks. Because that's been done to death. Okay, well, now is the time for jokes. Oh yeah, happy Wednesday.
Okay, nerds. Here's one for you. Sony is releasing 3D glasses for the Playstation 3. So now you can watch your identity get stolen in three dimensions!
So, the famous wrapper---excuse me, rapper---Eminem just released a new song where he slams Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The song is called "Hey, Remember Me? Eminem? Hey Guys!"
In other irrelevant news, President Obama's economic advisor Austan Goolsby is leaving the White House to take a teaching poisiton at the University of Chicago. He's looking forward to meeting the leaders of tomorrow, and giving them terrible economic advice. Fish gotta swim, right?
Speaking of fishy stories, television person Ann Curry will be taking over Meredith Viera on the Today show, proving once again that you don't have to be any good to succeed in life if you can just stick around long enough for everyone else to leave. Are you paying attention, kids?
In Zimbabwe, a homicide detective has been jailed for using Mugabe's toilet and faces a prison term of up to ten years for using the President's toilet. Well done, Zimbabwe! You're making great use of democracy.
Speaking of misusing your freedom, a university in Kyoto now offers students a Ph.D. in Manga, the popular Japanese comic book style. Even I think that's dorky, and I was once in a Renaissance Fair.
Pretend you don't know that.
Anyway, Kelly Bensimon, best known for her participation in Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently posed for Playboy. The hardest part of the whole photo shoot was when the editors had to airbrush in some dignity. BOOM! Take THAT, person I've never met who is on a show I've never watched.
And lastly, a young woman in Florida was arrested yesterday for driving topless and drunk with a bag of marijuana sticking out of her purse. She was charged with one count of being nine months early for Spring Break.
Okay, that's the end of that. Come back tomorrow, okay? And tell your friends! Oh, and remember to use sunblock and have a great day!
Okay, nerds. Here's one for you. Sony is releasing 3D glasses for the Playstation 3. So now you can watch your identity get stolen in three dimensions!
So, the famous wrapper---excuse me, rapper---Eminem just released a new song where he slams Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The song is called "Hey, Remember Me? Eminem? Hey Guys!"
In other irrelevant news, President Obama's economic advisor Austan Goolsby is leaving the White House to take a teaching poisiton at the University of Chicago. He's looking forward to meeting the leaders of tomorrow, and giving them terrible economic advice. Fish gotta swim, right?
Speaking of fishy stories, television person Ann Curry will be taking over Meredith Viera on the Today show, proving once again that you don't have to be any good to succeed in life if you can just stick around long enough for everyone else to leave. Are you paying attention, kids?
In Zimbabwe, a homicide detective has been jailed for using Mugabe's toilet and faces a prison term of up to ten years for using the President's toilet. Well done, Zimbabwe! You're making great use of democracy.
Speaking of misusing your freedom, a university in Kyoto now offers students a Ph.D. in Manga, the popular Japanese comic book style. Even I think that's dorky, and I was once in a Renaissance Fair.
Pretend you don't know that.
Anyway, Kelly Bensimon, best known for her participation in Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently posed for Playboy. The hardest part of the whole photo shoot was when the editors had to airbrush in some dignity. BOOM! Take THAT, person I've never met who is on a show I've never watched.
And lastly, a young woman in Florida was arrested yesterday for driving topless and drunk with a bag of marijuana sticking out of her purse. She was charged with one count of being nine months early for Spring Break.
Okay, that's the end of that. Come back tomorrow, okay? And tell your friends! Oh, and remember to use sunblock and have a great day!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - June 6, 2011
Good Monday to you all! This is going to be a great week. Possibly the greatest week. I've got nothing at all to back that up, other that my own misplaced optimism. That, and a fancy new pair of contact lenses. That's all you need, right? Oh, and jokes. Obviously you need jokes. Good thing I have some!
In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.
Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.
In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...
Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.
In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.
The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"
In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!
And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.
Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!
In medical freak-out news, a woman in Oregon woke up from dental surgery with a brand new European accent. The woman was clearly shocked, as she had neither been to Europe, nor had she been married to Guy Ritchie.
Keeping up with musical news, country music superstar Trace Adkins lost his home this weekend, as it burned to the ground before his eyes. On the plus side, though, there goes his writers' block.
In Malaysia, so-called "obedient wives" clubs are forming around the country to offer support and guidance to the country's wives. The clubs are emphasizing the importance of good sex in the marriage, going so far as to say that good sex is a wife's duty. And nothing in this world is as sexy as someone's duty. Oh, yeah. That is one sexy obligation...
Big news for robots this week, as a German robot was revealed to the press playing pool and hustling human players. This is a great breakthrough for scientists, who have previously been unable to create a robot that could develop a gambling addiction. Next, they're working on a machine that can shoot up methadone.
In other technological news, the miracle plane that landed safely in the Hudson river is on the move again, this time heading to a museum. No word if the geese will be going along, too.
The state of Alabama announced it will begin a severe crackdown on illegal immigrants in the state, which seems like an odd choice to me. Illegal immigrants are the only people who you can point to and say, "these people *WANT* to be Alabama! See, it can't be all bad!"
In other American news, wildfires in Arizona are threatening communities around the state. They haven't been blamed on illegal immigrants yet, but just wait. Jan Brewer will find a way to send these fires back to Mexico, where they belong!
And lastly, Nintendo announced their online player network had been hacked, just like PS3 network last month, but for half the price of the PS3 attack and with more intuitive user interface.
Don't know if I should have ended on such a nerdy note. Oh well, we'll have all week to get cool again. Keep coming back, keep telling your friends, and keep having a great day!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 2, 2011
Happy Monday! Do you smell something roasting? You probably will in about 30 seconds.
In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.
In movie news, Fast Five brought in $83Million this weekend, making it number one at the box office. Despite the success of the film, distributor Universal is demanding that the next installment star Jay Leno and his collection of old cars.
In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.
In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.
In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.
And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.
Have a great day!
In television news news, sources at The Today Show report that Ann Curry may be taking over Meredith Viera's spot, although there is about an 80% chance that Jeff Zucker will make them give it to Jay Leno.
In romantic news, Scarlett Johansson and Sean Penn publicly confirmed that they are in a relationship. They previously announced it on an episode of The Tonight Show, but since no one saw, they felt they needed to announce again.
In videogame news, a surprising number of Sony Playstation Network users are sticking with the company, even after their credit card numbers and email addresses were stolen by hackers last month. One consumer explained "we can forgive them; after all, it's not like they cancelled Conan O'Brien."
In political news, prominent Democrats are denouncing the destructive Obama-bashing going on in the press. Instead, they're calling for the sort of unity the country found last year when we were all bashing Jay Leno.
In sports news, Celtics star Paul Pierce was ejected from game one of the Celtics/Heat playoff series. Jay Leno immediately started campaigning to replace him.
In religious news, 1.5 Million people came from all over the world to watch the beatification of Pope John Paul II this weekend, proving once again that people would rather watch a dead guy than Jay Leno.
And finally, in legal news, Lindsay Lohan said this weekend she wants to put the stolen necklace case behind her. The troubled starlet said she'll do anything, "even go back on The Tonight Show again."
That's all for now. Hope you enjoyed this utterly unprovoked roast. Maybe we'll do it again sometime. Come back tomorrow, and tell your friends! Unless you're friends with Jay Leno.
Have a great day!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 20, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
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