The CNN GOP Presidential debate this week spurred the network's highest ratings ever, which is amazing considering that the whole program was just a super-long episode of A&E's Intervention.
European countries are locking down their borders to slow the flow of immigrants and asylum-seekers, saying that their countries just can't handle all the extra people, and that taking in so many expats would do irreparable harm to the European Union. After all, look what happened to so many African nations that took in a bunch of Europeans back in the 1800s. Those places are fucked now.
Speaking of refugees, a refugee in Hungary was just offered a job coaching football (European version) in Spain. He was seen in a viral video last week being tripped by a reporter and falling over as he ran. Presumably he won the role after his fall earned a red card for the reporter.
Japanese lawmakers debated new legislation to reinterpret the nation's post-World War II pacifist constitution and allow Japanese forces to fight overseas once more. The debate about Japan's pacifism devolved into a physical brawl among the legislators, so looks like everything is going to be fine.
Incidentally, they passed new tax credits for irony with no opposition.
The U.S. Navy has agreed to new conditions on sonar usage in the Pacific Ocean, specifically to limit the harm done by sonar to blue whale populations. Apparently whale populations have taken a hit in recent years because Navy sonar systems use the same frequencies as the whale version of Tinder.
Police in Florida arrested a 47-year-old woman for parole violations, and found her in possession of over 3,500 various swords, hatchets, knives, axes and other edged weapons in her trailer home. She was charged with one count of assaulting an officer and 3,500 counts of "being exactly what the other 49 states think of Florida."
Following news that actor/comedian Steve Rannazzisi lied about being a 9/11 survivor, Buffalo Wild Wings dropped Rannazzisi as their company spokesman. Fortunately he's found work representing diarrhea, so it's a lateral move.
And finally, Internet star Andy George spent a year and $1,500 to make one sandwich from scratch, which is actually not a bad deal when you consider how much the average man spends on finding and keeping a girlfriend.
Have a great weekend!
Showing posts with label gop depate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gop depate. Show all posts
Friday, September 18, 2015
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 10, 2011
This is your Thursday. MAKE SOME NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or not, actually. I really enjoy hearing you all scream at your computers, but I need to get some sleep. So while I do that, enjoy these jokes. Handcrafted with choice barley and hops:
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
In philathropy news, Justin Bieber will be giving up his snake to a stranger as part of a charity auction, which sounds like the basis for another paternity suit.
Snooki said this week that the Jersey Shore is better than Italy. And Italy breathed a sigh of relief.
Eddie Murphy quit the Oscars, following the exit of producer Brett Ratner from the ceremony on Tuesday. Murphy said he won't work with anyone else, which explains why he doesn't make good movies any more.
President Obama, in a money-saving measure, ordered government agencies to cut back on branded trinkets, meaning that now you'll no longer be able to get the "I Was Illegally Tortured at a CIA Black Site Prison and All I Got was this Lousy Shirt" shirts. Tough break.
Morgan Freeman earned the Cecile B. DeMille lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes, and he can't wait to celebrate with some extra-marital sex. Go get 'em, Morgan!
International soccer authority Fifa will allow UK teams to adorn their uniforms with poppies this week in honor of the WWI armistice. German teams will be allowed to mark the occasion with crippling reparations and disarmament.
Authorities responded to a three-alarm fire at Skywalker Ranch yesterday. It was actually only a one alarm fire, but Lucas went back afterward and added in two additional alarms, and Boba Fett. Sadly, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru were lost in the blaze.
And lastly, at Wednesday's GOP debate, Governor Rick Perry said... wait, what was I going to write? Oh, this is embarrassing.
And that's the end. Come back for Spencer tomorrow, and I'll see you on Monday. Till then, have a series of great days!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 20, 2011
Let's make Thursday awesome, okay? OKAY!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 19, 2011
Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2011
Hey, it's Tuesday, which means last night was the first ever CNN/Tea Party Express GOP Presidential Debate in Florida. Why Florida? Why do you think, wise guy? A few crazy things happened, as you might expect. Here's a rundown.
Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.
Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.
Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.
Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.
At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.
Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.
Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?
And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!
Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.
Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.
Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.
Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.
At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.
Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.
Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?
And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!
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