Hey, where'd you guys go? Alright, back to some jokes.
Medical researchers are close to perfecting a new gene therapy that would allow for pig-to-human transplants. Great news for plastic surgery, obviously. Now you can have tusks grafted on, a curly tail added, or up to eight breast implants at once.
Citizens in Vanuatu are upset over a recent political scandal that ended with 13 government officials pardoning themselves of corruption charges. No word yet on their ongoing medical treatment for testicular elephantitis.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is terrible news for young women looking for sexual empowerment.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, and next year they'll just stop publishing altogether.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they will start offering scratch-n-sniff stickers.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, but they plan to increase the number of Georgia O'Keefe paintings they include in each issue.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, which is great news for pubic hair.
Speaking of big balls, Playboy announced they will stop publishing nude photos, except for tasteful shots of a naked Hugh Hefner getting out of his therapeutic bathtub.
In other good idea news, the U.S. will soon be airdropping ammunition into Syria. In all fairness, they had a lot leftover from when we dropped ammunition for the mujahideen in the 1980s.
A woman in Florida did something totally classy and reasonable recently. KIDDING! A Florida woman was arrested recently after driving drunk and broadcasting herself live on Periscope. After she was booked, the young woman was reportedly thrilled that she had at least one viewer.
In Prairie View, Texas, police are defending their decision to use a Taser on a city councilman who was attempting to intervene in police questioning his friend. In their defense, the cops say, the man in question was particularly black at the time of the incident.
And lastly, a young man was able to exploit a computer error this week and purchased the domain name "Google.com" for $12. But don't worry, they've totally got your credit card number on lockdown.
Showing posts with label medicine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medicine. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 24, 2012
Let's get serious. Right after this.
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
In Missouri, concern is growing that Rep. Todd Akin will succeed in taking Sen. Claire McCaskill's senate seat. But the thing you need to realize is that in "legitimate elections" the body politic has a means of shutting that whole thing down. Fingers crossed.
Google Wallet is coming to MetroPCS, so now you won't need to sign a contract to have your identity stolen.
In gyms around the country, drumming is becoming the hot new full-body workout. It's especially popular with people who are extremely annoying.
Speaking of annoying, NBC is somehow leading in television ratings this season. But don't worry, Whitney will premier soon enough.
In the UK, a dentist was told to remove old magazines from the waiting room because they posed an infection risk. Also, patients were asked to stop blowing their noses in the magazines.
Photos of Fidel Castro surfaced, purporting to show that the ageless dictator is still alive. It should be noted, though that in the pictures he was wearing super-dark sunglasses and seen hanging out with Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.
In all seriousness, Fidel Castro still alive, and has promised the people of Cuba that even if he does pass away, they will still continue to be repressed.
And finally, police in Kuwait were accused of excessive force for firing teargas at protesters. It could have been worse, though. Their first plan was to send out Joe Biden.
Serious it up, yo!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2012
Yeah, laugh it up. It's all just a big joke, huh? Well, eight big jokes. Actually, eight small to medium jokes. Read on, MacDuff.
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Smashing Pumpkins just announced tour dates. Unfortunately, the dates are not in 1995, so no one gives a shit.
In Taiwan, a senior health administrator caused some drama when he urged men to sit down to pee. The plan also calls for men to hold onto his inside-out pocket when walking in the prison workout yard together.
European scientists are working on a new device used to deaden the nerves in patients. In America, we just make people live in New York for a while. That tends to deaden them right up.
The American Academy of Pediatricians said this week that the benefits of male circumcision outweigh the risks. They didn't go so far as to recommend it in all cases, though. Instead, they said the study is "just a tip."
The childhood home of Muhammad Ali just went up for sale. Shouldn't be on the market too long, however, as the real estate agent confirmed to the press that she is "the greatest" at selling houses.
That's kind of a crap joke. Sorry. Go ahead, ask for your money back.
Shoe scanners at American airports have failed a battery of recent tests, so the TSA is going back to their old standby for scanning shoes: guys with a freaky foot fetish.
A study out of the University of Colorado found that certain types of nose implants caused infections after plastic surgery, which reinforces how important it is to be careful when picking your nose.
And finally, the NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City has pulled the new sitcom The New Normal from their schedule because it depicts a homosexual family. Station owners were worried the program would not conform to their values, or the values of the community. Seems like a real overreaction, though. After all, it's an NBC affiliate. No one was going to see that program anyway.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012
Love it or leave it. Please love it!
Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.
Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?
Hey, remember Syria?
The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.
Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?
Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.
Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.
Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.
Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.
A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.
Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.
And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.
That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!
Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.
Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?
Hey, remember Syria?
The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.
Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?
Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.
Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.
Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.
Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.
A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.
Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.
And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.
That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2012
Twenty-three-skidoo! Have some jokes, my friends.
A recent medical study found "drinking alcohol while pregnant has long-lasting effects in children." It's also a problem for adults.
A recent medical study found "drinking alcohol while pregnant has long-lasting effects in children." It's also a problem for adults.
In Michigan, a fleet of talking smart cars are taking to the city streets. They tried it in New Jersey, but the cars wouldn't stop swearing.
Logitech unveiled a washable computer keyboard, which is great for... you know. Whatever. It's just great.
Missouri douchebag Todd Aikin said he is staying in the race because of his faith. Makes sense. God only knows why anyone would support him now.
Danish wind turbine firm Vestas cut 1,400 jobs, due to the market sucking. They really needed it to blow.
Korean rapper Psy is finding fame on the Internet thanks to a viral video of his horse-riding dance. Ann Romney is already attempting to purchase him for the 2016 Olympics.
Ecuador's volcano Tungurahua continues to spew lava and rocks, as American tourists in Ecuador continue to spew tequila on the rocks.
And finally, Minnesota state representative Gauthier dropped out of his upcoming race due to his recent sex scandal. A distraught Gauthier said he really wished he'd done something forgivable like make crazy assertions about female biology.
Anyway, that's all. Till next time!
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - August 20, 2012
Here's some jokes.
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
The Olympics ended last Sunday, and NBC just finished the last of its delayed broadcast. Now they’ll have to go back to sucking at regular programs for the next four years. They’ve got a new show premiering tonight: “America’s Got No Reason To Watch NBC.”
Doctors recently found a link between blood type and an increased risk of heart disease. Especially if your blood type is “Fatass.”
Did you hear that Kim Kardashian’s divorce from Kris Humphries is unlikely to be finalized this year? This means her divorce proceedings will be twice as long as her marriage. Said Kim, “if I knew divorce was such a huge commitment, I probably would have just stayed married.”
The owner of Surfthechannel, a website that streamed illegal copies of television shows, just got sentenced to prison this week. I bet now he wishes he hadn’t watched all those episodes of OZ.
Actress Lindsay Lohan will earn two million dollars in 2012, or as she calls it “half my legal fees.”
Jennifer Aniston is engaged to Justin Theroux, so she’ll be off the market for at least six months.
Reuters reported that U.S. bank examiners ordered American banks to make plans for preventing another collapse like the one in 2008. They then ordered the banks to build a time machine. I’m kidding, of course. U.S. bank examiners can’t order anyone to do anything.
And finally, two New Jersey towns turned down offers to film the next Jersey Shore spinoff, but that’s probably just because the towns weren’t drunk enough yet.
That's all!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2012
What up, party people? Shall we commence to joking?
Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.
Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.
Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.
In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.
Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."
Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.
Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.
And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!
Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.
Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.
Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.
Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.
In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.
Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."
Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.
Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.
And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!
Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2012
I sure hope you don't waste today sitting around, staring at a stupid screen all day. Unless you're reading my blog, of course. Jokes commencing!
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
Monday, January 16, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 17, 2012
Hey, friends! Let's see what's happening now. Or yesterday, actually.
A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.
Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.
Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.
A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."
In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.
A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.
After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.
And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.
Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!
A new CNN poll reveals that 11% of Americans still approve of the job Congress is doing, which must mean that 11% of Americans are now members of Congress.
Internet shoe seller Zappos.com revealed that their customer database was hacked. So now everyone knows how big your clown-shoes are.
Speaking of the Internet, Wikipedia will go dark for a day to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Elsewhere on the Internet, protest groups show their displeasure by downloading the latest Twilight movie and as many Adele albums as they possibly can.
A suspect in Georgia successfully smuggled a 10" revolver into prison inside his own rectum. The suspect has been described as a "crack shot."
In Detroit, Kid Rock apologized for smoking a cigar in a non-smoking diner. Patrons at the restaurant accepted his apology on the condition that he stop trying to give them his autograph.
A medical patient in New York was shocked this week by a bill for $45million for various medical treatments. Of course, the bill was sent in error. Yeah, it was actually only $32million.
After a lackluster performance at this year's Golden Globes ceremony, host Ricky Gervais is already working on some horrible things to say about himself at next year's show.
And finally, doctors in India revealed the existence of a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis, which could pose a worldwide health threat. Not only that, it could lead to more shitty literature like Wuthering Heights.
Okay, that's the end. Have a great day!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 19, 2011
Uh, it's Thursday. I don't know what to say. Maybe something about boxer shorts and late 90s girl rock... we'll go with Dar Williams this time. I don't know. Kinda running out of words. Okay, let's just get to the jokes.
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
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