Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day, my friends! You know what's funny about love? I don't. But I know what's funny about the news and stuff.

Spot-checking U.S. voter registration forms found that one in eight forms are filled out incorrectly, which is a bigger portion of the electorate than the Libertarian Party. Not a joke here, just stickin’ it to Libertarians.

Politico reports that 1.8 million dead people are registered to vote in the United States, which would explain why Strom Thurmond continues to get votes. That, and racism.

In New York, the M.T.A. chief voiced opposition to a ban on eating in subways, saying “if people want to eat in a homeless person’s bathroom, that’s their God-given right!”

An Indian newlywed walked out on her husband this week because he does not have a toilet, and she’s refusing to come back until he builds one. Also, even though he didn't have a toilet, he still managed to leave the lid up. Am I right, ladies? Oh, there was no lid? On account of the poverty? Oh.

In happier news, writer and activist Eve Ensler is trying to mobilize one billion dancers against violence today. And, unlike the Grammys, Chris Brown was not invited.

Also in New York, a professor has created an algorithm that he thinks will be able to reunite the “Missed Connections” people post on Craigslist. It will not, however, be able to track the resulting STD outbreaks.

Disgraced Penn State coach and accused child molester Jerry Sandusky was granted the right to see his grandchildren this week. Quick tip, Jerry: See with your eyes, not with your hands.

And finally, Madonna called MIA’s bird-flipping stunt during the Super Bowl halftime show "teenage and irrelevant." I’m sure Madonna objected over the “teenage” part.

And that’s it! Enjoy your Valentine’s Day or relish your bitter rejection of Valentine’s Day! See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2011

Okay, so here are some jokes.

On Jeopardy this week, one of the players is a supercomputer built by IBM with the express purpose of dominating human Jeopardy players. If the company wants to humiliate nerds further, the next version will require a pantsing feature.

In celebrity news, police responded to a break-in at the house of Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi. They found a disoriented young woman in the home, but it turned out to not be Lindsay Lohan.

The Grammys aired on CBS on Sunday, bringing in the audience highest for the show in the last 11 years. However, that number is still a fraction of the number of people downloading illegal copies of "Born This Way" on Sunday night.

Before the Grammys, a local CBS reporter covering the red carpet became briefly disoriented and spoke incoherently on the air. She has since been accused of plagiarism by Glenn Beck.

During the show, Christina Aguilera fell onstage, which was just seven days after she botched the National Anthem at the Super Bowl, which means that someone is totally getting their money's worth out of that gypsy curse.

A medical study revealed that energy drinks are bad for small children. A parallel study of Youtube videos found those same children to be hilarious when given Red Bull.

In sports news, Tiger Woods was fined in Dubai for spitting during a tournament this weekend. Thankfully he apologized quickly, or else his public image could have been seriously damaged. Oh, and he was also spitting on a hooker. I mentioned that, right?

Elsewhere in the Arab world, the Egyptian military has declared martial law, much to the dismay of pro-democracy protesters. When pressed for comment, a spokesman said "we're the military. Martial is the only law we have."

At the CPAC rally this weekend, Rep. Ron Paul won a Presidential straw poll, making him the Esperanza Spalding to Mitt Romney's Justin Bieber. What's that? You didn't get that one? Maybe that's because nobody cares about the Grammys.

Lastly, laughing gas is coming back into use for women giving birth, so we'll soon have lots of stories that begin with "remember when I laughed so hard a person shot out of my vagina?" Thank you, science.

That's it! See you tomorrow!