Former Egyptian "President" Hosni Mubarak is out of prison and under house arrest. He's looking forward to ruthlessly crushing the weeds in his backyard garden.
New Watergate tapes came out yesterday, giving more insight into President Nixon's state of mind leading up to the scandal. Also, this posthumous release has finally cemented his position as the Tupac of American presidents.
A 6.2-magnitude earthquake shook Acapulco, Mexico, yesterday, momentarily causing hundreds of American tourists to stand up straight.
Former Senator Scott Brown of Massachusetts denied rumors this week that he would run for governor, saying that he will instead get back to failing at things with his family instead.
In Texas, and American Airlines flight attendant trainee was arrested for calling in bomb threats to United Airlines. And that's why you don't haze flight attendant trainees, people.
The number of circumcisions performed in the United States is shrinking, but that's probably just because it was cold.
A new study found that kids who take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to develop Type 2 Diabetes later in life, while kids who don't take anti-psychotic drugs are more likely to think they're Jesus.
And finally, new data indicates that the NSA has access to over 75% of all Internet traffic, so they probably know the one weird trick to reduce belly fat. And if they don't, then what the hell are we doing?
That's it!
Showing posts with label mexico. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mexico. Show all posts
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012
Love it or leave it. Please love it!
Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.
Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?
Hey, remember Syria?
The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.
Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?
Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.
Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.
Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.
Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.
A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.
Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.
And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.
That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!
Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.
Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?
Hey, remember Syria?
The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.
Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?
Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.
Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.
Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.
Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.
A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.
Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.
And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.
That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 24, 2012
It's Tuesday. So blah. How do you make Tuesday sexy? Well, I don't know. Maybe some slutty-looking lingerie? I'd probably enjoy seeing that. Okay, I guess that's creepy enough for now. Please partake in some slutty-looking jokes.
In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!
Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...
In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?
Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.
Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.
Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"
X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.
Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which may be the best news for gay marriage this month.
In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!
Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...
In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?
Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.
Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.
Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"
X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.
Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which may be the best news for gay marriage this month.
And finally, the U.S. Army canceled a planned Ted Nugent concert after he kinda threatened to try to kill the President. Also, since it was revealed that he illegally killed a black bear, he's now been banned from the Country Bear Jamboree.
That's all! Tomorrow! Bye!
Monday, September 5, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 6, 2011
Hey, everybody! I hope your Tuesday is awesome. You know what's awesome? Locally-grown, pesticide-free produce. Just a thought. Eight more thoughts follow, but none as tasty as a farm fresh tomato. Enjoy.
The Postal Service announced a projected $5.5 billion budget deficit. Looks like the "Forever" stamps may be turning into the "While you still can" stamps. In a related story, there is no word yet on the solvency of Death Cab For Cutie.
In France, the trial for former President Chirac got underway without him being in attendance. Silvio Berlusconi asked if he could have the same deal, as his duties as Italian Prime Minister still require his undivided attention. And by "duties" he of course means "banging high-class call girls."
In Hollywood, Eddie Murphy is on the short list to host the next Oscars telecast. He's promised to uphold the storied tradition of the telecast: failing spectacularly and then blaming Bruce Vilanch.
Green Day frontman and Broadway participant Billie Joe Armstrong got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight recently because his pants were too baggy. Apparently his pants were so low that the flight attendant could see his Dookie. What a Nimrod! Seriously, what kind of American Idiot can't pull up his pants? Kerplunk.
Meteorologists report that Hurricane Katia is intensifying in the Atlantic Ocean. This is terrible news for millions on the east coast who are just now recovering from last week's Hurricane Irene coverage.
Oprah Winfrey will be holding a live chat on Facebook this fall, as part of her plan to finally interview 500 million people at once.
Speaking of Facebook, a woman recently went out with a man she met on Facebook who then proceeded to rob an off-track betting house and forced her to serve as his getaway driver. Is this the world we've come to, where men no longer drive on first dates? For shame.
And finally, two Mexican school teachers are facing 30 years in prison for tweets they sent about a school kidnapping that turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone else think that sentence was going to end with "and a picture of their penises?"
And so it ends. Enjoy it or not, it still happened. Come back tomorrow, when more stuff will happen!
Till then, have a great day!
The Postal Service announced a projected $5.5 billion budget deficit. Looks like the "Forever" stamps may be turning into the "While you still can" stamps. In a related story, there is no word yet on the solvency of Death Cab For Cutie.
In France, the trial for former President Chirac got underway without him being in attendance. Silvio Berlusconi asked if he could have the same deal, as his duties as Italian Prime Minister still require his undivided attention. And by "duties" he of course means "banging high-class call girls."
In Hollywood, Eddie Murphy is on the short list to host the next Oscars telecast. He's promised to uphold the storied tradition of the telecast: failing spectacularly and then blaming Bruce Vilanch.
Green Day frontman and Broadway participant Billie Joe Armstrong got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight recently because his pants were too baggy. Apparently his pants were so low that the flight attendant could see his Dookie. What a Nimrod! Seriously, what kind of American Idiot can't pull up his pants? Kerplunk.
Meteorologists report that Hurricane Katia is intensifying in the Atlantic Ocean. This is terrible news for millions on the east coast who are just now recovering from last week's Hurricane Irene coverage.
Oprah Winfrey will be holding a live chat on Facebook this fall, as part of her plan to finally interview 500 million people at once.
Speaking of Facebook, a woman recently went out with a man she met on Facebook who then proceeded to rob an off-track betting house and forced her to serve as his getaway driver. Is this the world we've come to, where men no longer drive on first dates? For shame.
And finally, two Mexican school teachers are facing 30 years in prison for tweets they sent about a school kidnapping that turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone else think that sentence was going to end with "and a picture of their penises?"
And so it ends. Enjoy it or not, it still happened. Come back tomorrow, when more stuff will happen!
Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 21, 2011
What is this, Monday? Ugh. Okay. I went shopping recently, but I'm not going to talk about the stuff I bought, because I think I've grown as person, and I understand the world doesn't need to know about my underwear. But if you want to know, just ask me. Otherwise, enjoy the jokes.
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
In South Dakota, some school districts are trying to save money by cutting school on Fridays. I had no idea I was such a thrifty high schooler.
Speaking of thrifty, plans are still in flux for this year's MDA Telethon. Rumors are circulating that Jerry Lewis will be stepping back into the hosting duties after saying he would step down. Lewis denied the rumors, saying "who do I look like, Jay Leno?"
In Spain, the Pope was forced to end a youth rally after a lightning storm broke out. When the Pope is running from lightning, what chance do the rest of us have?
Senator Charles Schumer introduced a plan recently to deactivate stolen cell phones with some kind of kill switch transmitted by the owner. Similar plans have been proposed for children.
In California, fifteen people were arrested as they tried to smuggle pills into Tijuana, Mexico. Along with the pills, authorities found a broken GPS system.
The animal rights group PETA announced they will be launching a porn site devoted to animal lovers. I really hope I misinterpreted that sentence.
In legal news, the ubiquitous Facebook "Like" button was declared illegal in Germany because of course it was.
And lastly, President Obama issued a statement demanding that Libyan tyrant Gadhafi step down. Jay Leno has offered to take over.
And that's it for Monday. Tomorrow, there will be more. Maybe a Kardashian joke or something.
Have a great day!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2011
Welcome to Wednesday. You know, if someone built a bar and called it "Wednesday," and someone burned that bar down late one night when no one was around, I think I'd be okay with that. Anyway, let's all make fun of the "real" world.
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
The Vatican is opening an exhibit of its secret archive this week of papers relating to the Vatican's work over the last 400 years. One spokesman said, "it's so great that we're able to share these secret documents with the public after all these years. After all, what kind of faith shrouds itself in secrecy and byzantine bureaucracy and hides the truth from the world?"
Speaking of ugly truth, Comedy Central is planning to air a roast of Charlie Sheen this fall. Perhaps next season they'll just videotape people at a mental hospital and add zany sound effects.
A man was arrested yesterday for peeping on Paris Hilton. Apparently he doesn't have the Internet.
Follow up: the man is actually an obsessed stalker, and Ms. Hilton had to get a restraining order to keep him away. I'm guessing that's because he's never met her or spoken with her.
In India, the health minister recently said that homosexuality is a disease. Hmm. If the health minister is obsessed with homosexuality, I'm starting to see why so many people in India get cholera, typhoid fever, malaria and the damn plague!
An exercise bike was built recently using Google street-view photographs of the entire Tour de France course to allow anyone and everyone to bike through it just like a cycling superstar. Steroids are optional.
In Australia, police have been given the authority to remove burkas and other clothing that disguises a person's facial features. No word yet on how this might impact the work of Female Body Inspectors.
And lastly, a woman in Mexico was caught trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a large suitcase she brought along for their normal conjugal visit. Prison guards got suspicious when the bag kept humming Lonely Island's "I Just Had Sex."
Okay, I'm tired. That's that, kiddos!
See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2011
Happy Monday, everybody, and happy beginning of Spring! Wanna see if this season is as funny as the last one? Let's dive in.
In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.
In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"
In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"
In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."
In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.
In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.
In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.
In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.
In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!
Have a great day!
In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.
In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"
In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"
In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."
In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.
In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.
In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.
In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.
In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!
Have a great day!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2011
Hoo, boy. It's Tuesday, and we've got a great blog for you. Here's some real things that happened, but with fake stuff added for comedic effect:
The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.
In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.
In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."
In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.
In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.
In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.
China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."
Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!
That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.
Aloha!
The criminal case against Lindsay Lohan may be in jeopardy, as the jewelry store reportedly sold the security camera video of her stealing the necklace in question. This is great news for Lindsay, first because it may keep out of prison (again), but also because it's the closest thing she's had to a starring role in years.
In Oklahoma, state law enforcement is concerned that the current budget may not provide sufficient funds for cleaning up meth labs once they're busted by police. I've always wondered what the step was between "normal society" and "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome," and I think it may well be when we start leaving old meth labs untended out in the wilderness.
In Mexican news, Marisol Valles Garcia, the 20-year old woman who became police chief in one of the most violent towns in the country, has been fired. It seems she left the country after she received multiple death threats and remembered that she got the job after the previous chief was decapitated. A spokesman for the city said "while we appreciate her desire to not be decapitated, we can't have people leave like that and not fill out the proper vacation request forms."
In California, ferret owners are demanding that the state legalize ferret ownership. Something tells me that's not the only thing ferret owners want legalized. Maybe they should just concentrate on getting the state to allow licenses for medicinal ferrets.
In a recent interview, Canadian pop-singer Avril Lavigne said that she often forgets the lyrics to her songs. That's probably because they're so forgettable, Avril.
In Iran, the French Holocaust documentary Shoah will be aired on a Los Angeles satellite television station that broadcasts to Iran. The film, dubbed into Farsi for the first time, will also be broadcast on Iranian state television, but their version will have all sorts of zany sound effects added.
China recently denied following and harassing foreign journalists. A spokesman for Chinese authorities said, "oh, that's hilarious that you would think that! Oh, really, that's just too much," adding "who told you that? No, really, who told you that? This will go a lot easier if you just tell us."
Lastly, the flagship Barbie store in China is closing, because even plastic girls aren't popular in China. Happy Women's History Month!
That's it for today. Comments, reviews and other feedback are welcome and helpful, as always. If you like what you see, tell the world via email/Twitter/Facebook/Blogger/Buzz, and you will forever be known to your friends as cool, forward-thinking and hip to the cutting edge of topical humor blogs.
Aloha!
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