Showing posts with label veterans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label veterans. Show all posts

Friday, June 7, 2013

Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013

Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.

In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.

Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.

Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.

Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.

AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.

Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.

A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.

At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.

And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.


Have a great weekend!

Monday, October 8, 2012

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 9, 2012

Just kidding! Or, I will be in about one more sentence. Yeah, that sounds right.

Child-molesting jerk Jerry Sandusky said from prison yesterday "in my heart, I know I did not do these alleged, disgusting acts." That's true. He did them mainly in a shower.

Enjoy prison, you piece of crap.

In other piece of crap news, a 26 year-old man was arrested for defacing a Rothko painting in London this week. He was captured when he turned up asking for his name to be added to the label.

Museum joke!

Kid Rock said that he will support Rep. Paul Ryan, even if it costs him his fans. He also said the same thing about releasing his last album.

British rugby player Paul Wood was joking yesterday about losing a testicle in a recent match. He put up missing posters, but so far hasn't heard dick about it.

Good news! The American crocodile is coming back. In a related story, something just ate your dog.

Doctors are studying whether or not a daily dose of fatty acids may be able to lower returning veterans' suicide risk. It's either that, or provide them with adequate physical and psychological rehabilitation and some sort of jobs program.

Writer Kelly Marcel was just picked to write the Fifty Shades of Grey screenplay. She said she's looking forward to getting paid for writing something absolutely awful.

And finally, Sprint is testing a new program wherein you can use your name as your phone number. The option is an extra $3 per month, and is not expected to be popular with people whose names are strings of ten seemingly unrelated numbers.

Okay, now I'm serious.

BYE!