Happy Wednesday! It's LENT! HIP-HIP-HOORAY FOR PENANCE! I hope you have a great Lent! What's the traditional Lent candy? Bits of Ash? Sounds great. Okay, joke it up.
Retail megalith Wal-Mart reported stronger profits than expected from the holiday season. Now if only they could convince us all to start buying presents for Lentsmas...
In other religious news, NATO apologized for inadvertently burning a bunch of copies of the Koran at a military base in Afghanistan. Wasn't that a plotline from Three's Company? In a related story, dozens of zombie corpses were neatly stacked on shelves in the base's library.
A group of marine biologists said this week that dolphins deserve human rights, derailing a planned undersea Foxconn factory.
Hilarious dictator Robert Mugabe denied recent reports that he has cancer, then joked that he's been resurrected more times than Jesus. He then went on to say he was bigger than The Beatles. But seriously, any reports that he has cancer are just wishful thinking. He's an asshole.
Speaking of assholes, Chris Brown just collaborated with Rihanna on a remix of one of his songs, "Turn Up The Music," although the full title of the remix is "Turn Up The Music (So The Neighbors Don't Hear You Screaming While I Beat You)." Catchy tune.
Congressman Joe Walsh came under fire this week for saying that the debate on birth control is not about women. He then also said that that "Hotel California" was totally about a woman.
Mormons baptized Anne Frank this weekend as an attempt to make the religion less weird and off-putting to strangers. Because people love Anne Frank, right?
And finally, reports are coming in that nuclear non-proliferation talks with Iran are failing. It may be time to bring in George W. Bush to begin parallel nucular negotiations.
And that's all. Later!
Showing posts with label walmart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label walmart. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 27, 2011
Are you back at work, yet? Sucks for you, buddy. Here's some jokes to lighten the load.
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
BEGIN!
Recently unearthed court documents from Newt Gingrich's 1980 divorce contradict his version of the divorce. According to the papers, it was Newt, not his wife, who petitioned for the divorce, and she did not, as he maintains, cite "his freakishly huge penis" as a reason for the split. I mean divorce.
In music news, David Lee Roth is rejoining Van Halen for a new tour and breakup.
Lindsay Lohan's father Michael said this weekend that he approves of his daughter's appearance in Playboy, and called it a smart move. When asked for comment, Lindsay replied "I gotta make some changes."
An heir to the Walmart family just opened the brand new Crystal Bridges art museum in Arkansas. They are still hiring old people to greet visitors. And then not paying them.
South Korea's former first lady, Lee Hee-ho, met with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un this weekend. At first it was awkward between them, but then they discovered they actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them is in control of North Korea's army.
Yoko Ono is making a new art installation for Indian women meant to address the problems facing modern Indian women. Like how even today, most Indian women are still forced to go through life without ever breaking up a pop supergroup.
In China, scientists tested a new 300-mph train. The test was successful, but they're still trying to figure out how to make it belch out more coal smoke.
And finally, Netflix's board of directors voted to cut CEO Reed Hastings' stock options in half. Hastings seemed unfazed, however, remarking, "yeah, that's okay. That shit is worthless anyway."
END! And banter, banter, banter. Come back tomorrow, have a great day!
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