Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
Showing posts with label new orleans. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new orleans. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 23, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Feast upon these jokes, you pioneers of comedy.
The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.
In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.
Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.
The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!
In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)
"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.
In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.
And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.
HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!
The Benihana restaurant chain is to be taken private in a $296 million deal. Although it will probably be somewhat higher after gratuity.
In more business news, the Motel 6 chain is also being sold to a private equity group for $1.9 billion dollars. But it would have been less if they'd booked it in the off season. Rookie mistake.
Catholic Cardinal Dolan lashed out at the Obama administration yesterday, saying that rules governing insurance coverage of contraceptives are "strangling" the Catholic church. Quick tip: if the contraceptives are strangling you, you're probably not using them properly. Also, you're probably celibate, so maybe you should shut up about it.
The Hip Hop Hall of Fame now has a permanent home in New York City. Take that, West Coast! You ain't reppin' shit now!
In Michigan, a mother is being sought by police for coercing her daughter into shoplifting a bunch of crap from Old Navy. Apparently she neglected the important lessons about not getting caught, and exactly what snitches get. (Hint: it's stitches)
"Actor" Bruce Willis said yesterday that Mitt Romney is an "embarrassment" and a "dissapointment," and this is coming from a guy who made Hudson Hawk and helped create Planet Hollywood.
In Seattle, an irate moviegoer punched a 10 year-old in the face when he wouldn't stop talking during a screening of Titanic 3D. Well, there's the next "silence is golden" PSA for the next generation. Also, the punch probably is the most dramatic use of 3D technology in cinema history.
And finally, a school psychiatrist in New Orleans posted racially inflammatory comments online about African American students. I believe the website was www.PleaseFireMe.com. Specifically, "Dr." Traina said that "young black thugs" need to be "put down like the dogs they are." Strangely, he also posted that dogs should be given adequately funded schools, community involvement and teachers who are invested in their success.
HOW IRONIC. Okay, that's all. Thanks for reading!
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