Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Miss USA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miss USA. Show all posts
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2011
Hey everybody! How was your weekend? Yeah, I hear that. Well, that's about as much banter as I can muster today. How about you read some jokes, and just imagine that I said something about my new boxers (yes, they're still amazing).
In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.
In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!
While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.
Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...
Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.
In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.
In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!
While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.
Big news in the middle east, this week, too. In Abu Dhabi, the founder of the Blackwater "security" company recently landed a contract with the government to raise and maintain an 800-man private army of foreign fighters, loyal only to the government. So, that's good news for democracy.
In "beautiful on the outside" news, it turns out a contender for this year's Miss USA title had to drop out after authorities charged her with three counts of identity theft. That's too bad, as I was really looking forward to her talent demonstration on how to fix your credit scores.
Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...
Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.
Lastly, have you all seen the advertisements around the country claiming the world will end this Saturday? Well, it turns out they're all from one retired subway engineer who spent his entire life savings to pay for the apocalyptic ads. But if the world is ending this weekend, then I don't understand why he didn't just pay for it all with his credit card. I know a way to fix that sort of thing.
Okay, I have no more jokes for you today. How about you come back tomorrow and see what we've got? In the meantime, you can tell your friends and amaze them with your coolness. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen.
Till then, have a great day!
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