Showing posts with label alex trebek. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alex trebek. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 7, 2011


Happy Wednesday. It’s December 7th, which is, coincidentally, the day that the U.S. joined both World War I and World War II. So let’s be extra-vigilant today and try like hell not to get involved in any horrible wars today. What say? And while we’re at it, how about some nice, peace-loving jokes?

You like books? Alternate-history novelist Harry Turtledove’s new book, Supervolcano: Eruption, explores what it would be like if America was destroyed by a massive volcanic eruption at Yellowstone, and not George W. Bush’s presidency.

In south Florida, biologists are studying crocodiles living near a nuclear power plant. They’re tracking breeding and movement patterns, as well as any evidence of monsterism.

Military leaders at the Pentagon are concerned that a drone that crashed in Iran may end up giving away U.S. secrets. And that’s why it’s a bad idea to program drones with the personality of a chatty 14-year old girl.

Remember that burglar that robbed Alex Trebek? Good news for her, as she won’t be facing mandatory sentences from the “three strikes” law. It’s a good thing she wasn’t robbing Steve Harvey. ‘Cause he hosts Family Feud. And that show uses the “three strikes” motif. Oh, boy.

Chewbacca will be guest-starring in Glee’s Christmas episode this year! George Lucas has already agreed to ban the program after it airs and buy up as many copies as he possibly can.

In more serious news, BP accused Haliburton of willfully destroying evidence related to the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico last year. Haliburton refutes the claim, saying that the evidence was destroyed through simple incompetence, just like everything else they touch.

The anti-piracy group Creative America released a new 12-minute anti-piracy video this week. But I already saw it last month on bittorrent.

And finally, following election losses in the Russian Federal Assembly, Vladimir Putin promised to make real changes next year. And by that, he means he will do a better job of fixing future elections.

And that’s the end. Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends! And we’ll be back with more tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2011

Today is a momentous day, everyone. Five years ago, I performed standup comedy for the first time. So, according to Malcolm Gladwell, I'm halfway to being good. Oh, oh. We're halfway there. Here's some jokes.

Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.

In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.

In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.

In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.

In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.

In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"

In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.

And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.

Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.

Till then, have a great day!