Happy Friday, people. And 01101000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101001 01100100 01100001 01111001 to all my computer friends. Let's laugh it out.
This week, President Obama pledged to do everything in his power to curb gun violence after the Pentagon assured him that drone strikes don't use guns.
Several cases of the flu in Indiana were traced back to pigs at a county fair, leading organizers to close down the ever-popular "make out with a pig" booth. Sad day.
Mitt Romney went to London this week, and proceeded to piss of the city when he called the city unprepared for the Olympics. Yeah, how embarrassing, when you're on the world stage like that and you're just not ready.
Twilight star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating on her costar/boyfriend this week. She tried to deny it, but of course, no one believed her. Because she's a terrible actress.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un got married in a private ceremony, attended only by family, their closest friends and a low-yield nuclear bomb.
The Romney camp denied that an adviser to the campaign said President Obama didn't understand America's "Anglo-Saxon" heritage. They did clarify that all they were trying to say is that President Obama is way more black than most Americans.
A bunch of bears trashed a luxury home in Bearsville, New York, this week. Presumably after a blond chick trashed their place first.
And finally, film star Jeremy Renner said in an interview that he "accidentally" took Viagra on a recent plane trip. It was the hardest trip he ever took.
Yep, going out on a dick joke. Have a great weekend!
Showing posts with label bears. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bears. Show all posts
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012
Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.
In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.
The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.
In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.
In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.
A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.
Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.
And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.
And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.
In England, a major marijuana "factory" was uncovered and put out of business this weekend. While it's good news for law enforcement, it's terrible news for the multiple late night pizza places operating in the area.
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