German economists suspect that Greece will have to have another bailout to fully recover. That's the downside of having your bailouts provided by Lay's Potato Chips: no one can have just one!
In New York, a federal bankruptcy judge just gave the go ahead for Kodak to begin leaving bankruptcy. Observers are cautious, but they'll wait and see what develops.
If you didn't enjoy that joke, you're a horrible person.
In Brazil, a pet monkey was returned to its home of the past 40 years after environmental police confiscated it. They just needed to make sure that no one in the home was abusing the animal, and had to check out rumors that the monkey was being spanked.
Again, good people will enjoy that joke.
Also in Brazil, World Cup tickets just went on sale. They're expected to sell out, even with the outrageous "No-stabbing" surcharge.
In Japan, Tepco revealed that 300 million tons of radioactive waste have escaped containment at the Fukushima nuclear plant. To put that in perspective, it's almost the same amount of toxic waste generated each week by five separate Jack in the Box locations.
Doctors have found that patients' blood pressure drops when they are not charged a copay for their visits. From the journal Duh. Also lowering blood pressure: not paying for just about anything.
In London, the NHS is testing baking as a means of relieving depression. Next up, they're going to try being baked.
And finally, Texas Senator Ted Cruz found out that he may be half Canadian, due to the fact that he was born in Canada to an American mother. The Senator is taking this opportunity to run for Senate in Canada where he plans to increase border security and defund national healthcare.
God Save The Queen.
Showing posts with label tea party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tea party. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012
No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - October 20, 2011
Let's make Thursday awesome, okay? OKAY!
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is back to acting again. Let's see if he can act like someone who makes good decisions.
Hallmark just added job loss cards to its line of products. Well, at least someone got a job out of it.
In television news, Monday's GOP debate drew more viewers than NBC's The Biggest Loser, so don't be surprised if Anna Kournikova has to spend all of next week's episode defending her ridiculous flat-tax proposal.
Leonard Cohen is set to release a new album this year because "people are too happy these days."
Social Security recipients will get a 3.6% raise next year, which means the GDP of Florida is about to skyrocket.
A Chinese school was recently ordered to stop forcing poorly-behaved students to wear green scarves as punishment. Instead, they'll go back to the old system: sending the kids to America.
Herman Cain said yesterday that he could see a situation where he would need to negotiate with terrorists. Yeah, we know. The Tea Party loves you.
And lastly, George Clooney said this week that he won't run for office. Too bad. Just imagine what kind of tail he could get if he... oh, right. Never mind, George.
And that's what I'm closing with. Maybe Spencer has something better for you tomorrow? Yeah, probably so. And I'll be back on Monday! Till then, have a great day.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2011
Hey, it's Tuesday, which means last night was the first ever CNN/Tea Party Express GOP Presidential Debate in Florida. Why Florida? Why do you think, wise guy? A few crazy things happened, as you might expect. Here's a rundown.
Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.
Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.
Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.
Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.
At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.
Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.
Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?
And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!
Wolf Blitzer shared his moderating duties 50/50 with his beard.
Mitt Romney accused Governor Perry of flip-flopping on the issue of Social Security reform, citing passages from Perry's own book as evidence. Representative Bachmann then accused Romney of reading.
Yes, Governor Perry thinks Social Security is unconstitutional. But don't worry, he won't take it away. You see, Rick Perry actually likes lots of unconstitutional ideas.
Michele Bachmann criticized Perry for mandating the HPV vaccine, which is used to prevent the spread of the human paillomavirus in women. According to Bachmann, the virus is a living thing, and thus she will defend to her death it's right to live inside American vaginas as God intended.
At one point, Governor Huntsman accused the other candidates of scaring the American public, saying the GOP needs to find solutions if they are to stand any chance in 2012. His microphone was immediately turned off.
Leading up to the debate, Governor Perry wrote an editorial for USA Today in which he said "I am going to be honest with the American people," in a startling departure from his previous strategy.
Just before the debate, former candidate and Governor Tim Pawlenty formally endorsed Mitt Romney, saying oh who the hell cares? No, that's not his quote, that's me. Who gives a damn about Pawlenty?
And finally, lots of promises were made at the debate. Most notably, Governor Perry pledged to make government as inconsequential as possible. Frankly, electing Perry to any office is a great start in reducing the importance and effectiveness of that office. Maybe he'd like to take a turn judging for American Idol?
Okay, that's all for now. Come back tomorrow for more, I friggin' dare you! Till then, have a great day!
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