Big Hollywood news this week: The Entourage movie is officially happening! In a related story, God appears to have died.
In England, a woman attempting to purchase a ticket for a flight to Granada ended up flying instead to Grenada. In a related story, Grenada and Granada are not the same place. Who knew?
Electronics giant Samsung vowed to make more mobile telephones that work with their new Gear system. Meanwhile, BlackBerry vowed to make more mobile telephones that work.
Germany has demanded that the NSA stop spying on them, which is unfortunate, because the NSA has just now developed a tolerance for seeing all the weird shit Germany gets up to when they think no one is watching.
In Egypt, a top kung fu athlete had his gold medal stripped after expressing support for ousted Egyptian leader Morsi. Great, so now who's going to be on the Egyptian Wheaties box?
Rapper Chris Brown was arrested in D.C. on felony assault charges because he's run out of new ideas.
Brittany Spears songs are being used to repel pirates at sea, which is also why you never saw pirates in gay bars in the mid-2000s.
And finally, rapper Jay-Z was horrified to learn that the staff at Barney's in New York recently harassed a young African American male, because there is a stereotype that African Americans don't like to spend that much money on ridiculous high-fashion crap. Jay-Z, for his part, is attempting to fight that stereotype by buying up all the crazy shit he can find at overpriced crap-holes like Barney's.
Sponshorships are still available!
Showing posts with label jay-z. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jay-z. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2013
Hey, where ya been?
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - May 7, 2012
Did you see the supermoon this weekend? Unfortunately I missed it, as I for some reason assumed it was in reference to J.Lo’s ass. That’s what you get when you assume. Anyway, that’s all the banter I have in my heart. Oh, except to say that I called off this past week’s podcast, as it got really dark and creepy. And I prefer to keep things light and creepy. We’ll try it again this week. In the meantime, get your USDA recommended dose of topical humor.
In Sandford, Florida, lawyers for George Zimmerman called for calm before the trial, saying “let’s not prejudge anyone.” Right, because that’s how this mess got started in the first place.
In France, an obviously confused electorate voted into office Francois Hollande, a suspected socialist. He’s suspected of being a socialist as he was running on the Socialist ticket. Very sneaky... No word yet on his Kenyanisity.
In confused American politics, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that his Vice Presidential pick should be “someone you trust.” John McCain from 2008 then replied “sorry, what was that?”
Rapper/Father Jay-Z said this weekend that his daughter Blue Ivy may be the “worst, spoiled little kid ever.” And that’s coming from a guy who knows Kanye West.
In sadder musical news, Adam Yauch, AKA MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away on Friday. This weekend, Madonna said that MCA was one of a kind and important to her musical history. She said this because she was not close enough to literally spit on his grave.
At London’s Heathrow Airport, U.K. Border Force failed to meet processing time targets for arrivals last month. That’s probably because of United.
Korean pop star Kim Hyun-joong plans to kick off his next tour by high-fiving all 3,000 fans expected at his first show in Singapore, making his hand “Patient Zero” for the next flu epidemic.
The 1927 film Wings, the first movie to win the Oscar for Best Picture, is back in theaters! And now, of course, it’s in 3-D.
And finally, the United Nations has imposed sanctions on three North Korean state-owned companies after the failed rocket test last month. Hopefully, they blacklisted the companies that built the rocket. Those guys suck.
That’s all! See you tomorrow!
In Sandford, Florida, lawyers for George Zimmerman called for calm before the trial, saying “let’s not prejudge anyone.” Right, because that’s how this mess got started in the first place.
In France, an obviously confused electorate voted into office Francois Hollande, a suspected socialist. He’s suspected of being a socialist as he was running on the Socialist ticket. Very sneaky... No word yet on his Kenyanisity.
In confused American politics, Senator John McCain told Mitt Romney that his Vice Presidential pick should be “someone you trust.” John McCain from 2008 then replied “sorry, what was that?”
Rapper/Father Jay-Z said this weekend that his daughter Blue Ivy may be the “worst, spoiled little kid ever.” And that’s coming from a guy who knows Kanye West.
In sadder musical news, Adam Yauch, AKA MCA of the Beastie Boys, passed away on Friday. This weekend, Madonna said that MCA was one of a kind and important to her musical history. She said this because she was not close enough to literally spit on his grave.
At London’s Heathrow Airport, U.K. Border Force failed to meet processing time targets for arrivals last month. That’s probably because of United.
Korean pop star Kim Hyun-joong plans to kick off his next tour by high-fiving all 3,000 fans expected at his first show in Singapore, making his hand “Patient Zero” for the next flu epidemic.
The 1927 film Wings, the first movie to win the Oscar for Best Picture, is back in theaters! And now, of course, it’s in 3-D.
And finally, the United Nations has imposed sanctions on three North Korean state-owned companies after the failed rocket test last month. Hopefully, they blacklisted the companies that built the rocket. Those guys suck.
That’s all! See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 12, 2012
No time to waste! JOKES x 8 = BONUS ROUND!
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Outgoing Mississippi governor Haley Barbour tried to pardon and release 21 convicted murderers yesterday in the clearest indication yet that Governor Barbour is, in fact, an idiot. Or starting a secret criminal organization...
Speaking of secret criminals, actress Lindsay Lohan reportedly owes $94,000 in federal taxes from 2009. That kind of nasty tax-shock may explain why Lohan recently said she was going to "go party with those tea-baggers."
Actress Kim Novak said this week that she felt "violated" when she learned music from her film Vertigo appeared in The Artist. The screen legend said she hasn't felt this violated since she worked with Alfred Hitchcock.
He was kind of a jerk toward his actresses.
Brand new dad Jay-Z released a brand new song about the birth of daughter, Blue Ivy, starting what may be the most unfair rap-battle of all time
Has anyone checked on Kanye? Betcha he's feeling threatened by the new baby and her ability to out-tantrum him.
The Vatican confirmed that it has lifted biographies for several Cardinals and church officials from Wikipedia pages, which would explain why so many of their top leaders support Ron Paul.
Charlie Sheen recently said in an interview "I'm not crazy any more." He added "I'm also not crazy any less. Just the same amount of crazy. Finally found the level that works for me. Just like a Number Bed."
Egyptian billionaire Naguib Sawiris is facing blasphemy charge for tweeting a picture of Mickey and Minnie Mouse in traditional, conservative Muslim clothing. More importantly, he's facing the wrath of Disney for using Mickey without permission.
And finally, American Idol host Randy Jackson called X-Factor a rip-off of American Idol, saying "we're the original, we kind of invented this whole game that everybody now copied," before adding "British version of what?"
That's all! Spencer's here tomorrow, and I'm back on Monday! I'M POSITIVELY GIDDY WITH ANTICIPATION! Till then, have a great day!
Oh, and if you're going to be in Oklahoma City on February 18th (a SATURDAY!), you really should come see me, BradChad Porter and the amazing Marc Maron! Tickets available at okccomedy.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)