Taylor Swift performed for a packed crowd at Soldier Field this weekend. The singer said she loves Chicago, so we should expect an angry song about how the city wronged her sometime next year.
Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have trained a dog to locate and identify the scent of ovarian cancer in women. The dog is 100% accurate in early tests. This is a big breakthrough for the science of smelling women's crotches.
Speaking of smelling things, workers at JFK airport were sickened by the fumes coming from a mysterious package yesterday. Authorities suspect it was either VX nerve gas, or Ron Artest's gym shorts.
In Switzerland, Oprah Winfrey was shocked when a high-end accessory store refused to show her a $35,000 handbag, saying "you can't afford it." Oprah said it was due to racism, and the store owner claimed it was just a misunderstanding, saying "we didn't understand that black people have money now."
Singer and self-help guru Chris Brown suffered a seizure this weekend. Doctors blame emotional stress and a lack of sleep. Sounds like Chris needs to quit beating himself up about things.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are refusing offers to sell photos of their baby, North. It's not clear if this is to protect North's privacy, or because they just don't want the added competition for the cameras.
A family from Arizona recently attempted to flee the religious persecution they saw in America for Mauritania. They set out on a small boat from San Diego, but were stranded at sea by a series of storms. They were rescued by fisherman and eventually flown home to the U.S., whereupon they realized "oh, right... airplanes."
And finally, The Mars One Project has received 100,000 applications from people hoping to take a one-way trip to colonize Mars. It's also spawned a new reality competition show: "WHO WANTS TO FREEZE TO DEATH ON MARS?" Great television.
Later!
Showing posts with label mars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mars. Show all posts
Monday, August 12, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2013
Chris Brown announced he may retire from music after his next album. He will not be retiring from being a giant rage monster.
NASA's Curiosity rover sang "Happy Birthday" to itself yesterday by vibrating pipes it normally uses for soil collection. Warner Brothers immediately sent a cease and desist order.
And you thought your birthday was sad.
Groupon just announced a new CEO. They're getting him for 80% off, but tax and gratuity are not included.
Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" has topped the charts. Now if only the models in his video could get tops, too.
A diplomatic rift is growing between Vladimir Putin and President Obama over a snub by the President yesterday in response to Edward Snowden being granted asylum in Russia. Thank goodness President Obama didn't accidentally date Putin's ex-girlfriend, or there could be some real drama.
An American tourist in Europe broke the finger off of a 600-year-old statue of the Virgin Mary when he tried to compare his hand size to hers. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I just had to see if I had a bigger dick than the Virgin Mary."
Real estate valuing service Zillow.com saw it's stock price tumble this week. Early estimates have the company losing 10% of its value, but that's just the county assessor's report. If you really want to know how much value they lost, you'll need to buy a detailed report.
And finally, San Diego mayor Bob Filner just got his sexual harassment lawsuit deposition delayed. Filner was so happy that he couldn't stop rubbing his dick on people.
And that's all!
NASA's Curiosity rover sang "Happy Birthday" to itself yesterday by vibrating pipes it normally uses for soil collection. Warner Brothers immediately sent a cease and desist order.
And you thought your birthday was sad.
Groupon just announced a new CEO. They're getting him for 80% off, but tax and gratuity are not included.
Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" has topped the charts. Now if only the models in his video could get tops, too.
A diplomatic rift is growing between Vladimir Putin and President Obama over a snub by the President yesterday in response to Edward Snowden being granted asylum in Russia. Thank goodness President Obama didn't accidentally date Putin's ex-girlfriend, or there could be some real drama.
An American tourist in Europe broke the finger off of a 600-year-old statue of the Virgin Mary when he tried to compare his hand size to hers. "I'm sorry," the man said, "but I just had to see if I had a bigger dick than the Virgin Mary."
Real estate valuing service Zillow.com saw it's stock price tumble this week. Early estimates have the company losing 10% of its value, but that's just the county assessor's report. If you really want to know how much value they lost, you'll need to buy a detailed report.
And finally, San Diego mayor Bob Filner just got his sexual harassment lawsuit deposition delayed. Filner was so happy that he couldn't stop rubbing his dick on people.
And that's all!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 22, 2012
Some more jokes, perhaps? Yes, my pretties. Have your fill.
NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.
At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.
Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.
In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”
A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.
The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.
A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.
And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:
"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."
You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!
NASA’s Mars rover Curiosity has been busy beaming back images from Mars. It’s sent back photos of rocks, mountains, the sky, and what it’s been eating for dinner, because apparently someone installed Instagram. It’s got a Mars filter.
At an Ohio county fair this week, an alligator bit a trainer during a live show. The name of that show: Mr. Inevitable’s Amazing Roundup of Incredibly Likely Things.
Unificationist Church leader Rev. Sun Myung Moon has been hospitalized for pneumonia. While bedridden, the charismatic pastor still managed to oversee the group wedding of his entire medical team.
In New York, a man accused of faking his own death to collect on his life insurance has pleaded “Not Guilty” and “Not Alive.”
A study of college tuition costs found that the cost of a college degree has increased 1120% over the last 30 years. Sadly, most college students can’t do that math. One good bit of news from the study: the price of PBR and ping pong has stayed the same.
The Olympic flag arrived in Rio de Janiero, and it's already been kidnapped for ransom.
A Washington, D.C. police captain was demoted recently for acting as an escort for Charlie Sheen. No, not that kind of escort, but he still got screwed anyway.
And finally, three members of the Russian punk collective Pussy Riot, sentenced recently to prison for protesting Vladimir Putin, are going to the centerpiece of an art exhibition and fundraiser in New York City. Well, I've been making fun of Putin for years! Where's my fundraiser? Just to refresh your memory, here's my favorite, from June of 2011:
"In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive."
You can use the PayPal button at your leisure, Amnesty International. Thanks!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 7, 2012
What up, party people? Shall we commence to joking?
Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.
Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.
Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.
In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.
Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."
Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.
Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.
And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!
Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.
Revenue for Yelp.com is up 67% this quarter, largely because the site has been getting such positive reviews on itself.
Doctors find that honey can ease nighttime coughing for children, but not if you mix it with whiskey. That will just make 'em mean.
Speaking of children and nighttime, another study found that watching nonviolent videos before bed will calm preschoolers, especially if they're scared little bitches.
In technology news, Lenovo unveiled a new line of ThinkPad laptops with a completely redesigned Blue Screen of Death.
Chrysler Motor Company told investors this weekend that their new 3D modelling program is lowering the cost of designing transmissions, although most Chevy drivers are already well-acquainted with their "exploded view."
Novartis and Penn State University are partnering to create a drug that trains the immune system to spot and destroy cancer cells. Now if only someone could teach Penn State employees to spot and stop pedophilia.
Musician and dementia-enthusiast Ted Nugent said yesterday that President Obama "represents everything bad about humanity," which is a pretty rude thing to say about the American people.
And finally, NASA's Curiosity Rover landed on Mars yesterday, after the harrowing "Seven Minutes of Terror" when it was out of contact with NASA and flying on its own. "Seven Minutes of Terror" is also what the stuck-up assholes in High School called it when they were playing spin-the-bottle and had to make out with a nerd. Well guess what, dickheads! A bunch of nerds just landed on Mars, AND YOUR TAX DOLLARS PAID FOR IT! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA! SUCK IT!
Okay, hope you enjoyed this! More tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 23, 2011
Welcome, everyone! Thanks for visiting the blog, it's great to have you here. We've got a pretty good post for you today, with timely jokes and such. Let's get to it!
Sharon Angle has a new book coming out. Wait, that's not the ridiculous part. The title is The Right Angle, which is actually a pretty appropriate encapsulation of Sharon Angle: it sounds like an okay idea at first, but the more you think about it, the more you realize Sharon Angle is a moron.
Speaking of morons, on Good Morning America yesterday, Zen master and musician Chris Brown went nuts back stage after Robin Roberts asked him questions about his famed "disagreement" with Rihanna in 2009. He broke a window, smashed furniture and left the studio, shirtless of course, without performing his second song as scheduled. Thank goodness he's got his anger issues taken care of, or that could have really gotten ugly. Oh, and nobody tell him that Taco Bell is raising their prices!
Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez suggested in a recent interview that capitalism may have killed off ancient life on Mars. He then blamed capitalism when he stood up and banged his funny bone on the chair.
In Edgewater, Florida, parents of grade school children are protesting the special measures required at the school to protect a first grade student with life-threatening peanut allergies. Said one parent, "I don't care what they have to do, home school, move or whatever, but I will be DAMNED if my kids don't get to eat the same crappy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I did! This is America, and we eat peanuts!"
In Monticello, New York, a man showed up for his DWI hearing 90 minutes late, drunk, and with 4 unopened beers in his bag. He was jailed on one count of being incredibly sad.
Speaking of booze, a South African man is facing trial after allegedly pouring his whiskey drink on President Zuma. He's also been offered a reality show on Bravo.
Groupon COO Rob Solomon announced he will be stepping down from the company. Must have gotten a better offer.
And finally, Howard Stern is suing his employer, SIRIUS Satellite Radio, for not giving him the stock options he was promised in his contract. This marks the first time in years that anyone has shown any interest in getting SIRIUS stock.
And that's it for today! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed your time with us. Tell your friends, use the mighty share buttons if you feel like it, and come back for more tomorrow!
Sharon Angle has a new book coming out. Wait, that's not the ridiculous part. The title is The Right Angle, which is actually a pretty appropriate encapsulation of Sharon Angle: it sounds like an okay idea at first, but the more you think about it, the more you realize Sharon Angle is a moron.
Speaking of morons, on Good Morning America yesterday, Zen master and musician Chris Brown went nuts back stage after Robin Roberts asked him questions about his famed "disagreement" with Rihanna in 2009. He broke a window, smashed furniture and left the studio, shirtless of course, without performing his second song as scheduled. Thank goodness he's got his anger issues taken care of, or that could have really gotten ugly. Oh, and nobody tell him that Taco Bell is raising their prices!
Venezuelan "President" Hugo Chavez suggested in a recent interview that capitalism may have killed off ancient life on Mars. He then blamed capitalism when he stood up and banged his funny bone on the chair.
In Edgewater, Florida, parents of grade school children are protesting the special measures required at the school to protect a first grade student with life-threatening peanut allergies. Said one parent, "I don't care what they have to do, home school, move or whatever, but I will be DAMNED if my kids don't get to eat the same crappy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I did! This is America, and we eat peanuts!"
In Monticello, New York, a man showed up for his DWI hearing 90 minutes late, drunk, and with 4 unopened beers in his bag. He was jailed on one count of being incredibly sad.
Speaking of booze, a South African man is facing trial after allegedly pouring his whiskey drink on President Zuma. He's also been offered a reality show on Bravo.
Groupon COO Rob Solomon announced he will be stepping down from the company. Must have gotten a better offer.
And finally, Howard Stern is suing his employer, SIRIUS Satellite Radio, for not giving him the stock options he was promised in his contract. This marks the first time in years that anyone has shown any interest in getting SIRIUS stock.
And that's it for today! Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed your time with us. Tell your friends, use the mighty share buttons if you feel like it, and come back for more tomorrow!
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