Monday Morning Monologue - June 27, 2011

Happy ___day, happy ___day! Just don't use the first three letters, and it'll be a lot happier. Also, these jokes might help.

Joke Number One! The hacker group LulzSec is disbanding after a series of high profile attacks on government and industrial websites. Early reports indicate that one of them started dating Yoko Ono. Did you like how the joke about hackers was itself "hack?" Did anyone...? Oh, this is gonna be a long day.

Speaking of hackers, a 19 year old suspected of hacking into a British police agency "has Asperger's syndrome," according to authorities. So, wait. Is this an inspirational story? I'm confused.

For the third joke, we bring it back to America, where a couple who participated on the television show The Marriage Ref are filing for divorce. The couple blames the show's creator, Jerry Seinfeld, which is ridiculous, because he only breaks up a marriage when he wants to bang one of them.

Also in America, a rare photograph of Billy the Kid sold for $2.3 million. Why so high? Someone started a rumor you could see his junk. DAMN! America loves a junk shot!

Speaking of junk, Florence Henderson revealed recently that she got crabs in the 1970s after a one-night-stand with the Mayor of New York. That sound you just heard was your childhood throwing up.

Speaking of junk, there was some bad news for former stars of MTV's totally unscripted reality series The Hills. Yeah, this week Lauren Conrad and Kyle Howard split up after three years of tolerating each other. Apparently it took them this long to figure out they weren't on television anymore. No word as to Jerry Seinfeld's possible involvement.

In sporting news, the Women's World Cup of Football (soccer) got underway in Europe this weekend, giving American sports fans three separate reasons to not give a shit about it. Keep it up, America! This totally isn't getting old!

In other football news, players from Libya have started defecting to escape the violence of the civil war. After all, if they wanted that kind of chaos and danger, they could just go play with Zlatan Ibrahimović! HA! Take that, Zlatan! Wait, did you not get that one? Oh, just Google him.

Anyway, that's the end of today's funny business. Come back again sometime, huh? Maybe in a day? If you like, you can always tell your friends about all this hilarity. And don't forget to stay hydrated this summer. You'll feel a lot better!

Have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2011

Did anyone else spend last night watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix and forget that the Super Bowl was on? Nope? Just me? Okay. Well, let's have some jokes.

In our top story, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak got some words of support from former Vice President Dick Cheney, who called Mubarak "a good friend." Mubarak responded by assuring the Egyptian people "I have no idea who that is."

Tickets went on sale this weekend for the San Diego Comic Con, and the sudden spike in traffic crashed the company's website. A spokesman for the event said "we're trying like hell, but we just can't seem to find anyone on staff who understands computers! We need geeks, but all we've got are nerds!"

Bank of America announced that it has settled a class action lawsuit over abusive overdraft fees. The bank agreed to a $410 million settlement, although the company may get some of that money back if the checks bounce. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

In Iran, state television has banned all cooking shows that feature foreign recipes and cuisine. Now the Iranian people will never know who won this season of Top Chef. Experts say Tehran will be burning within a week.

In other television news, TNT is extending the final season of The Closer. They're also renaming it The Lingerer. In a shocking and related story, people are still watching The Closer.

Staying with television, Lauren Conrad is still angry at MTV for canceling her show. The reality star was livid, saying "THAT WASN'T IN THE SCRIPT!" An MTV spokesman explained, "we've got a new version of Teen Wolf coming this year, so we really don't need any more monsters on the network." MTV, to its credit, is attempting to provide better role models for its younger viewers, which is why they're bringing back Beavis & Butthead.

In other MTV news, The Situation may be leaving the cast of The Jersey Shore. Sources close to the show place the blame on the disruptive influence of his new girlfriend, Yoko Ono.

Lastly, Charlie Sheen said he wants to resume work this month. When asked to clarify his statement, Sheen said "oh, 'work' is my word for 'taking lots of drugs and partying with porn stars.' Sorry for any confusion."

That's it. Back to work, everyone.