September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge

In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.

In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.

Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.

Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.

In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.

In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.

In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.

Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.

And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.

Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.

That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.

Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012

TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.

Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.

It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.

Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.

China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.

Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?

Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.

And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.

Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!

Thursday Morning Monologue - September 13, 2012

Happy time big joke fun funny!

NBC defended its decision to cut away from the 9/11 anniversary ceremony to air an interview with Kris Jenner, saying that they were still sticking with the theme of tragedy.

The Dish Network announced it will air Glenn Beck's new network, so now viewers will be able to watch Mad Men again.

Climatologists warn that arctic ice melts could mean more extreme winters in the future. In response, Mountain Dew is working on a hot chocolate beverage. EXTREME!!!!!!

Following violence in Africa over an anti-Islamic video, YouTube has restricted access to the footage. However, you can still watch videos from Nickleback.

For shame, YouTube.

Archaeologists in England think they may have located the long-lost remains of King Richard III. The Sun has already run a photo of the ancient corpse's penis.

Atlanta police cleared officers of racial profiling charges after they stopped Tyler Perry for questioning. The officers apologized and said they didn't recognize him without a dress.

The hosts of the "popular" daytime talkshow The Talk decided to do an episode without any makeup. It's a good thing they're so charming.

And finally, Russia is set to build the world's biggest icebreaker ship. Once completed, it's scheduled to visit college freshman dorm orientation programs all over the world.

Oof. See you tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012

Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.

Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.

Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."

Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.

A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.

YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.

NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?

Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.

And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!

Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.