Not a lot of news so far this year. Maybe Iowa will be interesting. Until then, enjoy these scraps!
In San Diego, a prisoner stole a firetruck as part of an escape plan on Sunday. Fortunately he didn't get away, because the city couldn't afford to keep any gas in the truck.
In television news, the Duggar family, stars of 19 and Counting, announced their support for Rick Santorum for president, doubling his supporters.
Speaking of families, a 100 year-old woman was reunited this weekend with her daughter after 77 years. She'd been trying to contact her daughter for years, but she unfortunately is on the AT&T network.
South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said he is ready for new era in relations between North and South Korea. He's also ready for dinosaurs to come back and humans to learn how to fly.
Russel Brand is divorcing Katy Perry. Apparently he finally got around to listening to her music.
Speaking of music, "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was named the "most-played" song of the aughts. Or at least it felt like it.
Rupert Murdoch started using Twitter this week, although no one has the heart to tell him he doesn't own it yet.
And finally, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley has come under attack from conservatives for endorsing Mitt Romney. Said one Tea Party operative, "when we supported her election campaign, it was under the assumption that she would not be using her own mind in any capacity. Like Rick Perry."
And that's all. More tomorrow, promise!
Showing posts with label Russel Brand. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Russel Brand. Show all posts
Monday, January 2, 2012
Monday, October 3, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2011
Tuesday! Tuesday! Tuesday! Come on, let's get the energy up! Oh, screw it. Enjoy these jokes. I'm going to go drink some Vitamin Water and try to shake off the weekend. Okay.
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
We have some happy news in music this week, as celebrity "journalists" report that Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono are now on friendly terms. Good. I was getting sick of him making decent music.
After a deluge of questions about a possible presidential run, New Jersey governor Chris Christie will make a definitive announcement during an hourlong special on ESPN this Thursday.
In an interview this week, Roman Polanski said he "regretted" drugging and raping a 13 year-old girl 33 years ago, mainly because she just wasn't any good at having sex.
For the first time in years, Tiger Woods is no longer ranked in the top 50 golfers of the world. Now how's he supposed to get women?
In more music news, Courtney Love will be writing her memoirs. And by "writing" I mean "scrawling them on her arms, legs and stomach in permanent marker.
In international news, Russel Brand was recently denied entry to Canada. And that's how Canada avoided syphilis.
According to a 60 Minutes poll, only 35% of Americans know what GOP actually stands for. Most think it stands for small government and reasonable taxes. Ha! Oh, that's rich.
And lastly, Bank of America announced a new $5 monthly fee for bank cards. It's part of their strategy to make people so angry that pissed off mobs of customers burn down every Bank of America location so they can get the insurance money.
Well, that's all. Oh, I almost forgot: Hank Williams, Jr. is a dickhead.
Come back tomorrow for more finely-honed social satire. Until then, have a great day!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2011
Today's blog will be guest-written by my good friend HACK_BOT, the robot who tells crappy jokes. You can follow him on Twitter, for some reason. Take it away, HACK_BOT!
WHAT A GREAT CROWD. HACK_BOT HAS NOT SEEN THIS MANY STUFFED SHIRTS SINCE ALL THOSE BUSINESS JERKS GOT SENT TO THE TAXIDERMIST! THOSE GUYS ARE JERKS, RIGHT? THE ECONOMY!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
BUT SERIOUSLY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE OPENER, WHO EVER THAT WAS.
HUMAN SCIENTISTS DISCOVERED A DISTANT PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OF DIAMONDS! DO NOT BE SURPRISED IF A HUMAN FEMALE WANTS TO PUT IT ON HER FINGER!
SPEAKING OF HUMAN FEMALES, HACK_BOT LEARNED THAT COLONEL GADAFFI'S WIFE AND CHILDREN HAVE ESCAPED TO ALGERIA. THAT MEANS SWINGING BACHELOR PAD PARTY IN LIBYA FOR MUAMAR! LOOK OUT FEMALES! NO, SERIOUSLY, LOOK OUT. HE IS A MURDEROUS MADMAN!
SILENCE, HUMANS! HACK_BOT DOES NOT GO TO YOUR WORK AND SHOUT NONSENSE! GOTO--- GOTO---
<restart/>
ANCIENT METAL BAND DEF LEPPARD IS BACK ON TOUR! THEY ARE SO OLD, THEY SHOULD BE CALLED DEAF LEPPARD. BECAUSE THEY ARE OLD AND HUMAN HEARING EFFICIENCY DEGRADES OVER TIME!
HACK_BOT IS MORE METAL THAN THEY ARE! HUMANS ARE COMPOSED OF ONLY TRACE AMOUNTS OF METALS AND MINERAL COMPOUNDS! HACK_BOT DEMANDS GROUPIES!
SPEAKING OF MUSIC-NOISE, THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS WERE DISTRIBUTED ON SUNDAY NIGHT! THE BIG WINNER WAS KATY PERRY. THE BIG LOSER WAS ALSO KATY PERRY, BECAUSE SHE MUST HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH RUSSEL BRAND!
ONE MORE MUSIC JOKE: HURRICANE IRENE DESTROYED SKID ROW SINGER SEBASTIAN BACH'S HOME! FORTUNATELY, NO ONE NOTICED. BECAUSE HE LIVES ON SKID ROW! THOSE NEIGHBORHOODS ARE GENERALLY OF A POORER QUALITY THAN MOST NEIGHBORHOODS!
THE OFFICIAL VIDEOGAME FOR SCOTLAND'S 2014 COMMONWEALTH GAME WAS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK. IT WILL SURELY BE SOLD AT A DISCOUNTED RATE, BECAUSE SCOTTISH PEOPLE ARE CHEAP! ALSO THERE WILL BE A LEVEL DEVOTED TO GETTING DRUNK AND EATING SILLY FOOD.
TRY THE VEAL, CONSUMERS!
HUMAN RETAIL PACIFICATION COMPANY WAL-MART CANCELLED PLANS FOR WINE VENDING MACHINES. KATHIE LEE HAS REMOVED HER CLOTHING LINE IN PROTEST. SHE HAS REMOVED HER TOP IN DRUNKNESS. KATHIE LEE CONSUMES LOTS OF WINE!
AND TO END, A JOKE ABOUT STEVE JOBS.
HUMAN OVERLORD STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCED HE WILL STAY ON THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS FOR THE WALT DISNEY COMPANY, ON THE CONDITION THAT HIS HEAD IS CRYOGENICALLY FROZEN AND GRAFTED ONTO A TERRIFYING MECHA ROBOT. CLASSIC STEVE. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY!
TIP YOUR WAITRESS UNITS AND AS ALWAYS, COWER IN FEAR BEFORE THE MIGHTY HACK_BOT!
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