President Obama apologized for the apparent bias and discrimination the IRS showed in investigating certain Tea Party groups applying for tax-exempt status, especially since bias and discrimination were the groups' reason for existing.
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Wednesday Morning Blog - May 8, 2013
Greek workers recently staged a 24-hour anti-austerity protest. If they could just get sponsors for these things, the who economic crisis would be wrapped up in no time.
In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.
Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.
Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.
This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.
In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.
Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.
Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.
And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.
That's it!
In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.
Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.
Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.
This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.
In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.
Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.
Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.
And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.
That's it!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 30, 2013
The Greek government said yesterday it is committed to cutting the "bloated" public sector workforce, which is bad news for fat guys working government jobs in Greece.
Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the Nets?"
He likes to bet.
Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."
Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.
The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.
The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.
Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.
And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.
And that's it!
Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.
Michael Jordan got married over the weekend. When asked if this would be his last time, the former NBA champ said "bet on it." Then quickly added "and when you do, can you put me down for twenty grand on the Nets?"
He likes to bet.
Former Afghan President Hamid Karzai confirmed that the CIA used to deliver bags of cash to his office, but reassured his supporters that it was "not nearly enough for any serious graft or corruption."
Engineers building better rescue technologies have paired a rescue dog with a robotic snake to search buildings. Pixar has been working on a film version since 2009.
The European Space Agency announced that it's orbiting telescope "Herschel" is out of commission, after it used up the last of its cooling fluid recently. I would have thought that anything named "Herschel" would just be naturally cool.
The Department of Defense sent additional medical personnel to Guantanamo Bay to assist with the growing hunger strike crisis. Yep, sending more people there seems to be the only tool in our belt on this.
Queen Beatrix of Holland abdicated the throne yesterday. She thanked the Dutch people for their support, and announced she would be pursuing her first love: cage fighting. She's already challenged Pope Benedict to a ladder fight.
And finally, prison officials in the UK announced that prisoners will have to "work much harder" for the privilege of having a television their cells. For instance, they've been ordered to stop stealing television sets.
And that's it!
Later, gater. In a while, crocodile.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 29, 2013
In Italy, a new national coalition government was just sworn in, marking the end of a period of great hope for the European Union.
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 12, 2013
Last week, a man walking his dog on the southern coast of England found a giant chunk of whale vomit on the beach. The rare vomit is actually worth $70,000, and is also a great reminder that whales can’t hold their liquor.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
A study found that sitting in traffic in 2011 cost Americans an average of $818, not counting the emotional damage from listening to additional hours of Ryan Seacrest.
In Sweden, authorities have called off a national wolf-cull, after it was discovered that the wolves are key in keeping down the nation’s enormous Grandma population.
People in China are celebrating the arrival of the Year of the Snake with fewer fireworks than previous years, leading many to rename this the “Year of the Wuss Who Is Afraid of Firecrackers.”
A series of self-portraits by former President George W. Bush hit the Internet this week, and many critics were confused by the seemingly abstract paintings until they remembered that he’s physically incapable of seeing himself as the rest of the world does.
Singer Chris Brown wore a white tuxedo to the Grammy’s Sunday, proving many people wrong for saying that he would never be able to get RIhanna’s blood out of the jacket.
Pope Benedict announced his resignation from the Papacy. But don't worry about his financial well being. He's definitely got a golden parachute in his contract. And that would be a actual parachute made of gold.
Also, now that the top spot is open, the members of the College of Cardinals are rushing to update their resumes. And by "update" I mean "touch up the gold leaf on their illuminated transcripts."
And finally, Mountain Dew is introducing a breakfast drink. The marketing slogan? "Mountain Dew in the morning: Your day will only get better."
Fin.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 30, 2013
Yahoo! announced increased revenue for 2012, largely attributed to their aggressive strategy of looking for coins in the office couch cushions.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
In Toledo, a hospital is resuming transplant operations which were suspended when a nurse mistakenly threw out a healthy kidney. Yes, "mistakenly" threw it out, totally not planning to go get it from the trash later and take it home for dinner.
The Spanish olive harvest is down by 80%, meaning that canola oil will be the new standard for oil wrestling this year.
In celebrity news, rumor is that Frank Ocean and Chris Brown got into a fight recently over a parking space and Rihanna is recovering comfortably.
Chris Brown is an asshole.
New Orleans is preparing for the Super Bowl even though some areas of the city have still not recovered from Katrina. Some residents are proud of how far the city has come, others are frustrated at how much is still left ahead of them, but one thing they can all agree on: the city is lucky that it doesn't have to deal with Patriots fans. Those guys suck.
Bill Gates is partnering with the government of Germany on a new initiative to fight hunger. First up: teaching German people how to cook food that isn't awful.
Google Maps is adding secret North Korean prison camps to the Google Earth and Google Map projects. And of course, you can now check in to them on FourSquare.
And finally, rumors were swirling this week that Queen Elizabeth might follow the example of Quenn Beatrix, and abdicate the throne in favor of a younger monarch. Elizabeth put the rumors to rest this week when she had her crown bolted onto her skull. Said the wily old Queen, "come take it if you can, you little bitches."
And that's how we're ending today.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 29, 2013
According to the Iranian news agency, the nation's space program succeeded in launching a monkey into space. The monkey, which made it back to earth safely, was reportedly overjoyed at being shot into space and really enjoyed itself, until it figured out that it was going to have to come back down and live in Iran again.
A bizarre trial is getting underway in Russia for a whistleblower, Sergei Magnitsky, who is actually dead. Magnitsky's lawyers are hopeful for his chances, however. Best case scenario: he gets life.
Toyota announced that 2012 was a banner year. The auto behemoth managed to sell nearly 9.75 million vehicles, which is slightly more than they recalled.
The New York City school bus drivers union is undergoing a major overhaul, with seniority no longer playing as big a role in determining assignments. So, look for New York City school buses to stop driving with the left turn signal on.
In Norway, a tunnel will be closed for several weeks after a massive truckload of sweet cheese caught fire. Repair crews are standing by with little bits of bread and fruit.
A teacher in Ohio is in trouble for posting a picture online of a student whose mouth he had duct taped shut. Apparently teachers in the district are not supposed to use their cell phones at work.
At a school in Pennsylvania, male students must now ask for toilet paper each time they go to the bathroom. The school took the paper out of the bathrooms in an attempt to cut down on vandalism. They haven't, however, removed all of the Glade Potpourri Spray Paint cans.
And finally, the Boy Scouts of America announced they are considering allowing openly gay children and adults to be involved in the organization. Although, if they were really serious about getting gay people involved, they'd get rid of those ridiculous shorts.
And that's it!
A bizarre trial is getting underway in Russia for a whistleblower, Sergei Magnitsky, who is actually dead. Magnitsky's lawyers are hopeful for his chances, however. Best case scenario: he gets life.
Toyota announced that 2012 was a banner year. The auto behemoth managed to sell nearly 9.75 million vehicles, which is slightly more than they recalled.
The New York City school bus drivers union is undergoing a major overhaul, with seniority no longer playing as big a role in determining assignments. So, look for New York City school buses to stop driving with the left turn signal on.
In Norway, a tunnel will be closed for several weeks after a massive truckload of sweet cheese caught fire. Repair crews are standing by with little bits of bread and fruit.
A teacher in Ohio is in trouble for posting a picture online of a student whose mouth he had duct taped shut. Apparently teachers in the district are not supposed to use their cell phones at work.
At a school in Pennsylvania, male students must now ask for toilet paper each time they go to the bathroom. The school took the paper out of the bathrooms in an attempt to cut down on vandalism. They haven't, however, removed all of the Glade Potpourri Spray Paint cans.
And finally, the Boy Scouts of America announced they are considering allowing openly gay children and adults to be involved in the organization. Although, if they were really serious about getting gay people involved, they'd get rid of those ridiculous shorts.
And that's it!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 28, 2013
Hey, welcome back! Okay.
Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.
Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"
At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."
Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.
New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."
And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Rep. Paul Ryan said that House Republicans are ready to let the budget sequester happen, probably because they're looking forward to destroying something other than themselves.
Canada denied Randy Quaid's request for citizenship, leading many to ask "Randy Quaid *isn't* Canadian?"
At a recent campaign stop, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi defended Mussolini's decision to ally with Adolph Hitler, going on to say "see, that underage hooker doesn't sound so bad anymore."
Chile's President Pinera, in a show of solidarity with Hugo Chavez, said that he's counting on Chavez to beat his illness, like an opposition candidate in a fully-rigged election.
New credit card fees are coming as part of a new ad campaign for the banking and credit industry called "You Can't Hate Us Any More Than You Already Do."
And finally, President Obama this weekend said that we, as a nation, should do something to help make football safer. But somehow the NRA will stop it.
That's it. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2013
Hey, super-big blog today! Enjoy it.
Scientists studying tree rings found a massive burst of gamma radiation all over the planet 1200 years ago, which would account for the widespread medieval Hulkism.
New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men are joining forces for the new "The Package" tour. Too bad the package has passed it's expiration date.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he still loves Maria Shriver, probably because she didn't break his heart by having lots and lots of sex with the maid.
Scientists are looking for a more effective flu vaccine this season. Their goal is to get it so effective that it prevents the flu even in inconsiderate a-holes who refuse to get the shot.
A new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that condoms do not diminish sexual pleasure for Americans. What does diminish sexual pleasure for Americans? Calling the penis "John Boehner."
Speaking of sexiness, UK Prime Minister David Cameron promised the people of the UK an "in/out" referendum on EU membership. In/out. Member. Yep, we're classy.
An Irish council member went on record saying that drinking helped depression and mental illness. It's assumed he left out the words "cause and worsen" in his statement.
Chile is expanding its military, with a planned air base in Antarctica, which is great news for prostitutes who love the cold.
Authorities were dispatched to Chris Brown's home recently after a prankster called in a report of domestic violence. And by "prankster," we probably mean Rihanna.
Chipotle is testing shredded tofu as a meat replacement in its San Francisco stores. In a related story, Taco Bell is testing horse meat.
And finally, Manti Te'o recently spoke with Katie Couric about his fake-girlfriend-hoax scandal, leading to speculation that Katie Couric may not really exist.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 22,2013
After being nominated for the job of Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel personally contacted all one hundred U.S. Senators to help secure his confirmation to the post, which explains why no one else wants the job.
Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.
A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.
A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.
In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.
At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.
And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...
And that's it!
Speaking of jobs, Charlie Sheen said he wants to return to Two and a Half Men, which means he's either no longer on drugs, or more drugs than ever before. Either way, he needs to work on the formula.
A Russian court decided against overturning the prison sentence handed down for Pussy Riot, instead opting to keep them in the box a little longer.
A new study found that twice as many people are going to the emergency room because of energy drinks as they were just six years ago. And we can all agree that an increase like that is EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another study found a link between fast food consumption and increased asthma and allergies in children. Also, the study found no correlation between Happy Meals and depression.
In Florida, a teenager was arrested for giving wedgies to other teens and adults. In a related story, he's going to find prison the be hilarious.
At the President's inauguration yesterday, attendees booed Rep. Paul Ryan, showing that political elites are still in touch with mainstream America.
And finally, scientists are searching for and "adventurous woman" willing to have a baby created with recovered Neanderthal DNA. Well, if someone is willing to have a baby with Kid Rock...
And that's it!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 16, 2013
Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 15, 2013
The United States is poised to surpass Saudi Arabia in energy production, which is bad news for American women who like to drive.
Speaking of driving, Audi and BMW both announced great increases in sales for 2012, which may explain why there were more assholes on the road.
In North Korea, Google executive Eric Schmidt publicly called on the government to open up the country's Web access to a free and unfettered exchange of ideas. This was a great gift for the North Korean people, who hadn't been able to laugh so hard since Kim Jong Il once farted into a live microphone in 1995.
A group of former U.S. servicemen and women forced out under the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy were awarded separation pay as part of a legal settlement with the Department of Defense. Other details have yet to emerge, because participants are not allowed to talk about them.
In Europe, the new Five-Euro bill will feature the visage of the Greek goddess Europa, so that's at least one Greek with a job in the EU.
San Antonio is planning a new completely digital public library this year. It is unclear how the technology will the ability of homeless guys to shower in the bathroom.
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he has engaged in doping as a professional athlete. As punishment, Armstrong now has to spend an hour with Dr. Phil.
And finally, congratulations to the cast and crew of Fargo for their groundbreaking Golden Globe victories 14 years after the film's release. It truly is an inspiration.
And that's it!
Speaking of driving, Audi and BMW both announced great increases in sales for 2012, which may explain why there were more assholes on the road.
In North Korea, Google executive Eric Schmidt publicly called on the government to open up the country's Web access to a free and unfettered exchange of ideas. This was a great gift for the North Korean people, who hadn't been able to laugh so hard since Kim Jong Il once farted into a live microphone in 1995.
A group of former U.S. servicemen and women forced out under the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy were awarded separation pay as part of a legal settlement with the Department of Defense. Other details have yet to emerge, because participants are not allowed to talk about them.
In Europe, the new Five-Euro bill will feature the visage of the Greek goddess Europa, so that's at least one Greek with a job in the EU.
San Antonio is planning a new completely digital public library this year. It is unclear how the technology will the ability of homeless guys to shower in the bathroom.
Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah that he has engaged in doping as a professional athlete. As punishment, Armstrong now has to spend an hour with Dr. Phil.
And finally, congratulations to the cast and crew of Fargo for their groundbreaking Golden Globe victories 14 years after the film's release. It truly is an inspiration.
And that's it!
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012
In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.
Later!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 8, 2012
Toyota is now making cars that drive themselves. Saudi Arabia has demanded that Toyota assure them that none of the cars are female. Because ladies can't drive in Saudi Arabia.
The very first CEO of Hulu.com's is finally leaving. He's been with the company since its beginning, but his tenure has been periodically interrupted by commercials for All State insurance.
According to the CDC, 2012 was worst year for whooping cough since 1955. This comes as a serious blow to hipsters who discovered the illness years ago and contracted it back before it became popular.
Doctors studying the norovirus have created a robot that vomits just like a human. All they had to do was take a regular robot and make it pledge a fraternity.
Kim Kardashian is pregnant, so now I'll be ignoring her for two.
The world's first double-hand transplant recipient is healing, and relearning how to hold to hold things this month. Doctors say that once the swelling in her hands goes down the new fingers should still fit nicely into her nose.
A cat was arrested for breaking into a Brazilian prison with contraband items taped to it. If convicted, the cat faces five years in prison, which is like 30 cat years.
And finally, on a flight to New York, a drunken and unruly man was tied up and duct taped to his seat. Or, as United Calls it, "Business Class."
And that's it!
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012
Happy new year.
In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.
The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.
Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.
Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.
New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.
Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.
Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.
Anonymous is fine.
And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."
THANK YOU!
In Hong Kong, authorities are grappling with an epidemic of wasted food. The situation is extremely dire, seeing as how everyone keeps getting hungry an hour later.
The CEO of Safeway is retiring this month. He's got a sizable contract buyout coming his way, and it'll be even bigger if he manages to step down on Double Coupon Day.
Professional golfer Carl Petterssen said this week that the PGA is on a witch hunt against long putters. He made the statement in hopes to get an early start on the "Least Relevant Story of 2013" award. Go get 'em, tiger.
Al Jazeera television announced they're buying Al Gore's "CURRENT TV" in an effort to lose money.
New Jersey Governor Christie blasted John Boehner over Congress' lack of action on relief for Hurricane Sandy, because apparently the Governor just found out that Congress is useless.
Dave Letterman told Oprah Winfrey in a recent interview that he "hurt a lot of people" in his sex scandal, which indicates that Letterman is into some freaky shit.
Congress recently voted to continue the NSA's warrantless surveillance program. So, any agents reading this, please leave comments below.
Anonymous is fine.
And finally, a lesbian couple in Topeka, Kansas, is trying to force the sperm donor who fathered their child to pay child support. Apparently they misunderstood the term "money shot."
THANK YOU!
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - December 4, 2012
The tax-evasion trial began yesterday for fashion design firm Dolce & Gabbana. They're expected to fill next season with some truly gorgeous penalty fees.
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
J.C. Penney's management decided to add 40,000 mannequins to stores across the country in an effort to trick people into thinking someone is shopping at J.C. Penney.
The Pope just got his own Twitter account: @pontifex. Not to be confused with @pontifsex, the Vatican City's only "adult toy" shop and @expontif, the feed run by the ghost of Pope John Paul II.
Also there's @pontifrex, the Pope's dog.
It's the twentieth anniversary of text messaging! Finnish engineer Matti Makkonen created the technology, and used it to send the first SMS: "Yo girl, you still up?"
A woman in Georgia found a nose ring in her daughter's breakfast burrito at McDonald's. She was upset, as she had specifically asked for a lip ring.
Greece began buying back its bonds this week, sparking protests across the nation as people realized the government was spending so much money to buy something utterly worthless as Greek debt.
A girl at Sea World got bitten by a dolphin this weekend. So now we'll have to worry about Weredolphins. I just hope Stephanie Meyer doesn't hear about this.
And finally, a study found that one in three U.S. consumers would consider a mortgage from Wal-Mart, but would tell their friends they got it at Target.
That's all!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - November 29, 2012
In Asia, a man walked 5,000 miles using Google Maps as his only guide. In a related story, another man attempted the same trek with Apple Maps and died of exhaustion after walking in a circle for a week straight. His goal was to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
CNN is looking to rehabilitate their brand, and reached out to Jeffrey Zucker recently to lead the company. So, apparently CNN never pays attention to entertainment news. In a related story, Jay Leno will be taking over Anderson Cooper 360.
In Brussels, angry farmers protested falling milk prices by spraying milk all over police protecting the EU Parliament. In a related story, a group of male porn stars were preemptively denied a permit to protest their working conditions.
Germany is pushing forward anti-bestiality legislation. In a related story, IT'S STILL LEGAL TO HAVE SEX WITH ANIMALS IN GERMANY.
In Egypt, crowds are beginning to protest President Morsi for taking emergency powers recently. It's great news for people who didn't get a chance to protest the last time. Also, no one is surprised.
The U.K. representative to the U.N. said that the country will sit out the upcoming vote on Palestinian statehood, citing the horrible outcome the last time they played that game in the region.
In Rome, a protective barrier has been set up around the Coliseum, to keep people from being hit by falling stones from the ancient structure. Sadly, it looks like this will be the end of a millennia-long tradition of killing people there.
In Israel, many young people are protesting against circumcision. They're being real schmucks about it.
And that's the end.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 27, 2012
A Scottish study found that having more friends on Facebook led to more stress. "Scotland: Home of the Downer."
U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.
It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.
Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.
In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.
Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.
Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.
And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.
End.
U.S. federal mediators have joined the negotiations between NHL owners and players. They're replacing the Canadian Mounties.
It turns out that musician Andrew W.K. will not be serving as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain. Apparently we just wanted to scare them.
Boeing announced that more work is needed before unveiling their new stretch 787 jet. Most notably, they haven't figured out how to put spinners on the wheels.
In British Columbia, an elderly couple fended off an attack from the most humiliated bear in history.
Chrysler is debuting a new "glam" version of their classic Town & Country minivan. Good news, the vehicle also serves as birth control.
Medical tourism is booming in Costa Rica. It's especially popular with people who said they needed another trip to Disney World like they needed a hole in the head.
And finally, shredded but still readable documents from the NYPD wound up in confetti used at the Macy's parade in New York City. "This is the second most embarrassing moment in NYPD history," said the cop arrested for planning to kidnap and eat women.
End.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012
Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
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