Hey, you guys ever wonder what it would be like to watch a crappy, hacky standup comic after the zombie apocalypse? Well, I bet it'd go something like this...
Wow, look at this room! Guess the walking dead only eat pretty people!
Speaking of pretty people, you hear what happened to Kate Moss? Yeah, she got turned into a zombie. Still won't eat, though. She's so skinny!
Anybody here raised by zombie parents? Yeah, zombie parents don't give you a "time out" when you're a kid, right? They give you a BITE out! AMIRITE!? Oh, child abuse.
My girlfriend turned into a zombie. I realized it when she stopped nagging, and started gnawing! This guy knows what I'm talking about!
You know what they say, you can't live with 'em, and you can't kill 'em, because they're already dead.
Those bozos in Congress have been useless, right? Looks like someone already ate their brains! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH! Those zombies must have starved to death! 'Cause those guys are so dumb! AH HUH, AH HUH, AH HUH!
I envy the dead!
And you guys in this town, you are some crazy drivers! Tell you what, those walking dead better start running! Or else you'll run 'em over with your cars.
Can we get a hand for your waitstaff? Be sure to tip 'em well, you guys. Or not, they'll probably be dead tomorrow anyway.
Hey, you ever notice how black zombies groan like "ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaRRRRRRRRRoooooowwwwwwww" and white zombies are all like "buuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggoooooaaaaaaaaaarrrrrooooooooo?" I mean, come on! LOOSEN UP, ALREADY!
Oh, sorry, didn't mean to offend you guys. No, it's fine. You're not the first people to step out into a parking lot filled with bloodthirsty zombies rather than hear the rest of my show.
Well, looks like that's my time. I'll be in the lobby selling t-shirts and fire axes until the deathless horde breaks down the door--thank goodness it's not my ex-wife, RIGHT FELLAS!
Thank you, and goodnight!
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zombies. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - October 17, 2011
If you're like me, then I understand your pain. Also, you are keenly aware that the second season of The Walking Dead premiered last night, and that as fictional apocalypses go, it's a pretty good one. In honor of this artistic achievement and the fact that I really don't feel like making myself aware enough of the news this weekend in order to mock our world, I'm bringing you the eight things you need to know about the (fictional) zombie apocalypse.
1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.
2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.
3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.
4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.
5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.
6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.
7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.
8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.
Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
1. The last remaining piece of human civilization remaining after the zombie apocalypse will be The Weather Channel.
2. Zombies will never appreciate how cool a shotgun sounds when you cock it. And that is just sad.
3. If you ever find Michael Jordan's head on the ground, look out. You're about to get attacked.
4. Zombies cannot drive, which is just one more thing they have in common with New Yorkers.
5. When zombies feed, they rarely if ever remember to floss.
6. If you're in the midst of a zombie outbreak, be sure to wear something nice, but also comfortable. Because after you get turned into a zombie, that's what you'll be stuck wearing for all eternity. Ironic t-shirts are to be avoided at all cost.
7. A zombie will never pay you back that money you lent it.
8. And finally, don't shoot Bob Dole. He's not actually a zombie. Yet.
Alright, that's all I've got. Hope you appreciate the weirdness. We'll be back to hard-hitting anti-journalism tomorrow. Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 19, 2011
Uh, it's Thursday. I don't know what to say. Maybe something about boxer shorts and late 90s girl rock... we'll go with Dar Williams this time. I don't know. Kinda running out of words. Okay, let's just get to the jokes.
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
So, the ever classy Queen of England is visiting Ireland, for some reason, and stopped by the scene of the "Bloody Sunday" uprising to lay a wreath in memory of the people who were killed while trying to free themselves from her family. Class act, Mum. In addition to the Bloody Sunday trip, the Queen is planning to visit Joshua Tree and some place where the streets have no name. She refused, however, to see Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.
Speaking of dead horses I can't stop beating, former Senator Rick Santorum said this week that Senator John McCain, who was tortured for five years by Viet Cong interrogators, doesn't understand interrogation. That's just ridiculous. That would be like John McCain saying that Santorum doesn't understand shit.
Let's class it back up a bit, and talk about the Royal Wedding again. Because why not? So, there's an auction online to raise money for charity by selling off things the royals touched or wore at the wedding, because they are as gods among us, and we shall pray upon their relics. Bidding has been brisk, and in fact the hat that Princess Beatrice wore, the one that looks like a weirdly comfortable toilet seat, is up to $30,000. So, you can pay thirty grand for the original, or you can buy a cheap knock off this summer... in the bathroom fixtures section of Home Depot.
In other auction news, an auction started this week to sell off all the Unabomber's old stuff to raise money for his victims and their families. And just to piss him off even further, the auction is only online.
Do you like art? Do you love it? Do you love it? Hmm? Well, a new study shows that looking at art gives people the same pleasure as being in love. Incidentally, this study was conducted by the Spinster Institute: "leading the charge on love-replacement technology." So now, you can safely say that if someone doesn't get modern art, they're probably no good in bed. Is that right? I'm not a doctor.
Speaking of doctors, the CDC offered tips this week on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good to know they've got that whole heart-disease-diabetes-AIDS-cancer-tuberculosis-other-cancer-herpes thing taken care of, so now they can protect us from make-believe diseases. Hey, maybe next week they'll issue tips on how to survive boogie fever. I think it's going around.
Speaking of going around, Saif al-Adel was the last to say "not it" and is now the interim leader of Al Qaeda. Might want to start your exit strategy now, Saif. The notorious organization of international bastards is having trouble finding a new leader, for some reason, and they're not getting any good hits off their Monster.com job posting. Perhaps they should remove the "70 virgins" bit from the compensation package. It makes them sound desperate...
Lastly, producers of the new The Great Gatsby film found a replacement for Ben Affleck. This is good news, of course, but they did have a backup plan: film the rest of his scenes with a sack of potatoes, and see if anyone notices. Oh, is that not fair? You watch The Town and tell me if half of those scenes wouldn't have been better off with 30 pounds of Idaho Russets instead.
Hmm. Potatoes sound good. Have you had a potato today? You go have one, unless you're allergic or avoiding carbs, and come see us again tomorrow. Spencer and Earnest will be joking it up, and I'll be back on Monday. Just you wait. You'll see!
Until then, have a great day!
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