September 23, 2015: There's Nutella-ing What Some People Will Do

Sean Penn just sued Lee Daniels for implying that he is a spousal abuser, and Penn is reportedly furious. It's lucky for Daniels that he isn't a photographer.

That joke was for the old people.

Instagram now has over 400 million users and 40 billion photographs, and the company claims that only 35 billion of those photos are from brunch last week.

Speaking of pointless Internet photos, there is no truth to the rumor that more people die taking selfies than from shark attacks each year. Unless you count the people who die on the inside each time the camera steals part of their souls.

Los Angeles is pledging a $100 million increase in programs to help the city's homeless. It's a big departure from their previous plan: do nothing and wait for the homeless to leave once the city becomes completely uninhabitable, like Phoenix.

Also in LA, a 78-year-old man at Costco was punched in the face and hospitalized after confronting another shopper about taking all the Nutella waffle samples. Luckily this didn't occur over by the hunting knife samples.

There's no such thing as that, don't worry.

Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he will be selling off all his fossil fuel stocks investments, then encouraged others to follow his example. How about we follow your example and have some stocks and investments in the first place?

Congress is threatening to shut down the government again over funding for Planned Parenthood, though most observers suspect that Congress will terminate the effort before the end of the term.

And finally, Pope Francis has arrived in the U.S. for an official visit. Pollsters already have him in a dead heat with Hillary Clinton.

Good morning!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - January 16, 2013

Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.

Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.

The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.

In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.

Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.

Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.

The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.

And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!

That's it! Laters.

Earnest's Weekend Monologue - April 10, 2011

Things remained generally bad all over this week, but I think we all can agree that Pia's getting voted off American Idol was probably the worst thing that happened. In Libya, they stopped shooting for a moment just to remind each other that if they wanted their favorites to stay, they needed to be sure to call in and text their votes.

Japan has banned planting rice in contaminated soil. The group most likely to be affected by this are the asian restaurants, which had started asking customers if they wanted brown rice or really brown rice... It’s kind of funny to me that the government had to ban planting in irradiated soil. That means there were some farmers out there who were just saying “Let’s see what happens!” All those weird Japanese monster movies and anime should start with a scene of farmers planting rice in contaminated soil with a subtitle “He ate a bad sushi roll.” It would automatically explain everything that happened in the movie. “It’s a pink tentacle that rapes because its insecure at not having been able to grow up as a regular green tentacle thanks to that contaminated rice, man. Keep up. This shizz is happening every day.”

Scientists have recently diagnosed some Egyptian mummies with having clogged arteries. Those mummies are going to need to make some lifestyle and diet changes or.... YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME, SCIENTISTS! Scientists have also found what they think is a gay caveman. Somewhere there’s a scientific argument raging that sounds like “He’s not gay; he’s just really neat!”

The new Mars Rover is finished and ready to go up in space. You know who’s most likely to appreciate this new Mars Rover model? Martians.

I’m not making this up: Blue Man Group have started their own preschool for their kids. They didn’t feel the other schools in New York were creative enough for their kids. Man. One of the only things worse than being home schooled would be being home schooled by Blue Man Group. The only thing worse than being homeschooled by Blue Man Group is being homeschooled by Blue Man Group at the Blue Man Group school.... Admission is 28,000 dollars, but before you balk at the price, remember that's going to pay for all the blue body paint you and your kids are going to use that year. It’s also the best way to make sure your child gets into the more competitve Blue Man Academies.

We avoided a potential shutdown of the government this weekend with lawmakers agreeing to a spending bill that should keep the lights on for the next couple weeks. If I could give our lawmakers any advice, it would be this: when the creditors start calling, just don’t answer the phone. The Caller ID will say Unknown Caller. There. That should buy you more time.

That's it for now. Don't forget to come back all week for more jokes from Seth and Spencer!