Papers last week revealed that the NSA had bugged offices at the United Nations in New York, as well as European Union offices in the city. And it's all because President Obama really wants to know what Angela Merkel is getting him for Christmas.
Also, he wants to know if she's a terrorist.
In the UK, Verizon and Vodafone recently restarted talks about a possible buyout of Vodafone. Well, Vodafone has been talking this whole time and just didn't know that Verizon dropped the call.
In Florida, George Zimmerman's wife, Shellie, was sentenced for perjury related to Mr. Zimmerman's bond hearing. While pleading for mercy, Mrs. Zimmerman was heard to argue "hey, it's not like I killed anyone!"
In Russia, police stormed a gallery and confiscated a painting of Vladimir Putin dressed in women's underpants. Presumably it's been added to Mr. Putin's personal collection. Or else it was destroyed as it did not feature him riding a flying elephant, nor was he depicted with a super-humanly giant package.
Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas are splitting up, at least long enough for the two to "evaluate" their relationship. Perhaps Mr. Douglas will re-evaluate the wisdom of telling the world his wife's vagina is carcinogenic.
He should have at least added "habit-forming."
Researches at Columbia University believe they have found a "key to reversing the aging process" in humans. It involves sports cars and banging someone just old enough to drink alcohol.
A study at Johns Hopkins found that in America at least 1/3 of all emergency room visits involve beer, which means 2/3 of all emergency room visits are less fun than they could be.
And finally, representatives from American Airlines and U.S. Airways complained yesterday about government interference in their merger. They told the Justice Department that delaying their trial until March could jeopardize the merger and would be a severe hardship for the companies. Yeah, UNEXPECTED DELAYS SUCK. Thanks for noticing.
And thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label verizon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label verizon. Show all posts
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - September 15, 2011
Okay, enough of this sketch business. Today you get more written funny business. Mainly because I don't want to run out of sketches. But also because I had time to write these jokes. So, enjoy!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
A study found the slowest download speeds in America are in Idaho. Serves them right, the stupid potato heads. Oh, don't worry. They'll never be able to read this site.
In New York, the Republican party took control of Former Congressman Anthony Weiner's seat. But his crotch remains, as always, totally out of control.
Elizabeth Warren, who had her appointment to the Consumer Protection Agency filibustered in Congress and who spent countless hours testifying before House and Senate committees, has decided to run for the Senate. It makes sense, though. After all, if she were a senator, she'd probably have to spend less time at the Senate than she does now.
A Dutch woman is facing stalking charges for calling a man 65,000 times in one year. But don't worry: it was the Verizon guy.
On the Internet, Perez Hilton is starting a website for celebrity families and the children of stars, because you're never too young to find out that strangers hate you.
The Broadway musical The Phantom of the Opera will soon turn 25 years old. In celebration, movie theaters across the country will host a broadcast of a live performance. Meanwhile, DVDs from the 2004 film adaptation are being shredded and turned into insulation.
In England, a former Toys R Us manager was found to have paid a hooker over $30,000 a week for her services. A judge is trying to help the store recoup some of those losses, but the hooker in question has a strict no return, no refund policy. Although she will offer store credit for unopened packages. What am I even talking about?!
And finally, the return of the NFL brought some much needed ratings to NBC, which has struggled in recent decades. Trying to capitalize on the resurgent popularity of the sport on television, look for NBC to work football into all their programs. First up: Ben Roethlisberger guest stars on a very special To Catch a Predator.
Okay, I'm done for the week. Come back tomorrow for more Spencer Hicks-related fun. And I'll see you on Monday!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2011
Welcome back. How are you doing? Are we all excited for the week? That'll wear off... now. I'm kidding. This is going to be a great week, and today's going to be a great day! We've got some great jokes for you, and if this were an actual talk show we'd have some great guests and skits and stuff, too. You'll just have to use your imagination. And sunblock. You should use plenty of sunblock. Always. Okay, let's get started.
I heard that a competitive swimmer from the United States is planning to swim from Florida to Cuba. Probably just going down there for cancer treatment.
Speaking of Florida, rapper Big Boi was arrested in Miami for illegal possession of Ecstasy and Viagra pills. Looks like someone had a special first date planned.
In worse news, the bond-rating agency Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. bond rating, even though the math in their analysis was off by two trillion dollars. Remind me again why we had a worldwide economic collapse?
In worse news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that he will be remaining Treasury Secretary for the foreseeable future. Probably because no one else wants the job.
In Las Vegas, computer hackers from around the world came to the Defcon hacking convention. For many attendees it was the first time they met each other in person, and the first time they saw the sun. Oh, and also, "blah blah blah, News of the World blah blah blah hackers."
Also, 45,000 Verizon employees went on strike this weekend, prompting many customers to say, "no, I can't hear you now. Because I'm a Verizon customer. And they're on strike." Okay. Whatever.
The creators of the high school musical program Glee will be making a new horror show for FX, because apparently high school isn't horrific enough.
And lastly, sad news for absolutely no one: Desperate Housewives ends this season. The producers said they wanted to go out at a critical and creative high point, but since that's not going to happen, they might as well end it now.
Okay, that's all for today! We'll be back tomorrow, with more jokes and pretend guests and other hijinks. Maybe we'll play Crazy 8s.
Till then, have a great day!
I heard that a competitive swimmer from the United States is planning to swim from Florida to Cuba. Probably just going down there for cancer treatment.
Speaking of Florida, rapper Big Boi was arrested in Miami for illegal possession of Ecstasy and Viagra pills. Looks like someone had a special first date planned.
In worse news, the bond-rating agency Standard & Poor's downgraded the U.S. bond rating, even though the math in their analysis was off by two trillion dollars. Remind me again why we had a worldwide economic collapse?
In worse news, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced that he will be remaining Treasury Secretary for the foreseeable future. Probably because no one else wants the job.
In Las Vegas, computer hackers from around the world came to the Defcon hacking convention. For many attendees it was the first time they met each other in person, and the first time they saw the sun. Oh, and also, "blah blah blah, News of the World blah blah blah hackers."
Also, 45,000 Verizon employees went on strike this weekend, prompting many customers to say, "no, I can't hear you now. Because I'm a Verizon customer. And they're on strike." Okay. Whatever.
The creators of the high school musical program Glee will be making a new horror show for FX, because apparently high school isn't horrific enough.
And lastly, sad news for absolutely no one: Desperate Housewives ends this season. The producers said they wanted to go out at a critical and creative high point, but since that's not going to happen, they might as well end it now.
Okay, that's all for today! We'll be back tomorrow, with more jokes and pretend guests and other hijinks. Maybe we'll play Crazy 8s.
Till then, have a great day!
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