Greek workers recently staged a 24-hour anti-austerity protest. If they could just get sponsors for these things, the who economic crisis would be wrapped up in no time.
In the Gowanus neighborhood of Brooklyn, many residents are resisting plans from the EPA to clean up the toxic Gowanus Canal. They're still convinced they can just gentrify the pollution right out of the canal.
Also, it's vintage sludge. Very hard to come by. Because it's been outlawed.
Buzzfeed is taking steps to build up an international reporting presence, which must mean that Lindsay Lohan got her passport back.
This week, the makers of the world's first homemade, fully-plastic gun conducted a test-fire of the weapon, produced by 3D printing. Industry analysts don't expect this to impact the level of guns available in America, however, as none of know how to hook up a printer.
In New York, an escaped convict shut down multiple train lines during rush hour this week, or at least that's the excuse they picked this time.
Elsewhere in New York, a state senator was accused of illegally using funds from foreclosed property sales to fund his failed campaign for Attorney General. The whole plan probably would have gone better if he hadn't kept promising to "get himself off the streets" if elected.
Thanks to a recent ruling by California's highest court, cities can now ban pot dispensaries. Well, maybe it wasn't the "highest" court after all.
And finally, cicadas are all over the east coast. The annoying bugs are mating, eating everything, and making a terrible, annoying noise. It's pretty much like Coachella.
That's it!
Showing posts with label california. Show all posts
Showing posts with label california. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012
In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.
In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.
Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.
The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.
A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.
Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.
And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.
Later!
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 19, 2012
Senate Republicans are demanding that Ambassador Rice testify before Congress over misinformation she may have spread related to events in the middle east. "I'm not an ambassador," said Condoleeza Rice.
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
President Obama recently visited Myanmar, defending his choice to visit the repressive, undemocratic nation by saying that the trip was not an endorsement of the current regime and was intended to spread democracy. He went on to say that if it works in Myanmar, he might even try visiting Florida.
A judge in California ruled against Nicollette Sheridan's wrongful termination lawsuit against producers of Desperate Housewives. Furthermore, she was forced to pay a hefty fine for making the people continue to think about Desperate Housewives.
San Francisco city council is considering a ban on public nudity, which must mean that the population is finally getting older.
The University of Tennessee just fired its football coach. Probably because they didn't want to pay for his healthcare costs. Thanks a lot, Obama.
Governor Bobby Jindal said this weekend that the key to the GOP regaining power and relevance in American politics is to simply start liking people again. In response, former Vice President Dick Cheney told him to go fuck himself.
Actress Shannon Elizabeth is the new spokesperson for Farm Sanctuary's adopt-a-turkey program. She's hoping to become the Angelina Jolie of turkeys.
And finally, in Scotland archaeologists found evidence of a 10,000 year old dwelling, giving strong evidence to suggest that humanity has been suffering from clinical depression far longer than originally thought.
That's it!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012
Three... two... one... two... three. GO!
Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.
In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.
In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.
Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.
Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.
A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."
Here's hoping, Jerry.
Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.
A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.
And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.
Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!
Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.
In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.
In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.
Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.
Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.
A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."
Here's hoping, Jerry.
Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.
A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.
And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.
Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012
And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 3, 2012
Not a lot of news so far this year. Maybe Iowa will be interesting. Until then, enjoy these scraps!
In San Diego, a prisoner stole a firetruck as part of an escape plan on Sunday. Fortunately he didn't get away, because the city couldn't afford to keep any gas in the truck.
In television news, the Duggar family, stars of 19 and Counting, announced their support for Rick Santorum for president, doubling his supporters.
Speaking of families, a 100 year-old woman was reunited this weekend with her daughter after 77 years. She'd been trying to contact her daughter for years, but she unfortunately is on the AT&T network.
South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said he is ready for new era in relations between North and South Korea. He's also ready for dinosaurs to come back and humans to learn how to fly.
Russel Brand is divorcing Katy Perry. Apparently he finally got around to listening to her music.
Speaking of music, "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was named the "most-played" song of the aughts. Or at least it felt like it.
Rupert Murdoch started using Twitter this week, although no one has the heart to tell him he doesn't own it yet.
And finally, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley has come under attack from conservatives for endorsing Mitt Romney. Said one Tea Party operative, "when we supported her election campaign, it was under the assumption that she would not be using her own mind in any capacity. Like Rick Perry."
And that's all. More tomorrow, promise!
In San Diego, a prisoner stole a firetruck as part of an escape plan on Sunday. Fortunately he didn't get away, because the city couldn't afford to keep any gas in the truck.
In television news, the Duggar family, stars of 19 and Counting, announced their support for Rick Santorum for president, doubling his supporters.
Speaking of families, a 100 year-old woman was reunited this weekend with her daughter after 77 years. She'd been trying to contact her daughter for years, but she unfortunately is on the AT&T network.
South Korean President Lee Myung-bak said he is ready for new era in relations between North and South Korea. He's also ready for dinosaurs to come back and humans to learn how to fly.
Russel Brand is divorcing Katy Perry. Apparently he finally got around to listening to her music.
Speaking of music, "Can't Get You Out of My Head" was named the "most-played" song of the aughts. Or at least it felt like it.
Rupert Murdoch started using Twitter this week, although no one has the heart to tell him he doesn't own it yet.
And finally, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley has come under attack from conservatives for endorsing Mitt Romney. Said one Tea Party operative, "when we supported her election campaign, it was under the assumption that she would not be using her own mind in any capacity. Like Rick Perry."
And that's all. More tomorrow, promise!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 25, 2001
One word: jokes.
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."
Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.
In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."
Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.
Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.
Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.
Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.
And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!
Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!
Till then, have a great week!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 15, 2011
What's got two thumbs and eight jokes? I don't know. READ THE BLOG!
I saw a headline today that said more adults are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. That's about as far as I got in the story. Yeah, that's a crappy joke. So what?
In Japan, the government is giving school children devices to measure radiation. The devices are, by far, the creepiest thing that Hello Kitty! has ever made.
A report recently revealed that the majority of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels come from the United States. Finally, we're exporting something again!
Speaking of international relations, Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged patience in dealing with Pakistan. And by "patience" he meant "lots and lots of Hellfire missile strikes."
After "A Gay Girl In Damascus" turned out to be a 40 year old guy, yet another lesbian blogger called "Lez Get Real" turned out to be another man, confirming once again that every lesbian on the Internet is actually a middle-aged white dude.
Pandora, the popular Internet radio service, had their Initial Public Offering this week, and stock prices shot up to $16/share, proving there is money to be made off of people too lazy to steal their own music.
In California a man was sentenced to 30 years for stockpiling explosives in his home. In a related story, A&E just started filming the most exciting episode of Hoarders to date.
And last, sad news for Hugh Hefner, as his young fiancee Crystal Harris broke off their engagement just days before the wedding. I guess that means he's officially out of roofies.
Okay, that's that and I mean it. Let's make the rest of the day great, what do you say? Tell your friends, and come back tomorrow!
I saw a headline today that said more adults are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. That's about as far as I got in the story. Yeah, that's a crappy joke. So what?
In Japan, the government is giving school children devices to measure radiation. The devices are, by far, the creepiest thing that Hello Kitty! has ever made.
A report recently revealed that the majority of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels come from the United States. Finally, we're exporting something again!
Speaking of international relations, Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged patience in dealing with Pakistan. And by "patience" he meant "lots and lots of Hellfire missile strikes."
After "A Gay Girl In Damascus" turned out to be a 40 year old guy, yet another lesbian blogger called "Lez Get Real" turned out to be another man, confirming once again that every lesbian on the Internet is actually a middle-aged white dude.
Pandora, the popular Internet radio service, had their Initial Public Offering this week, and stock prices shot up to $16/share, proving there is money to be made off of people too lazy to steal their own music.
In California a man was sentenced to 30 years for stockpiling explosives in his home. In a related story, A&E just started filming the most exciting episode of Hoarders to date.
And last, sad news for Hugh Hefner, as his young fiancee Crystal Harris broke off their engagement just days before the wedding. I guess that means he's officially out of roofies.
Okay, that's that and I mean it. Let's make the rest of the day great, what do you say? Tell your friends, and come back tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011
It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 25, 2011
So... this week has been pretty light on the light-hearted banter. More like extra-light. My apologies. I blame my allergies for this. Why? I don't have a real reason, but I hate them so much. I hate them like Pakistan hates having to admit that members of its security services and armed forces are actively collaborating with international terrorists. Wait, what? I'm not sure what I meant by that, but it sounds bad for Pakistan. Good thing they don't have nuclear... Oh. Right. Eff. Oh well, have some jokes!
Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.
Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.
Have you all been keeping up with Dancing with the Stars? Have you noticed how much weight Kirstie Alley has lost? She's dropped 38 inches since the season started! Isn't that great? Ms. Alley has been so inspired by her dramatic transformation that she's now working on a diet and exercise plan called "Join the Cast of Dancing with the Stars." Admittedly, it requires more of a commitment than most people will be capable of. For example, the first step: "become a major star, beloved by millions, then fade into semi to total obscurity and wait for Tom Bergeron to call you." It's tough, but you can't argue with the results.
Elsewhere on the magical story box, Mark Burnett, the producer of CBS’s hit reality show Survivor has signed on with the History Channel to produce a 10-hour miniseries based upon the Bible. I’m sure it will be awesome, and completely respectful of the source material. Although it's going to be weird for Burnett to be working with material that's already scripted out with a clear ending in mind.
Hey, remember Candy Land, that fun children’s game from our childhood? It was the one where you, I don’t know, get candy or something? Well, pre-production began recently on the Candy Land movie! As expected, Michael Bay is slated to direct. Now you’ll get to see what it looks like when a sparkly sugar castle gets blown all to hell by robotic alien pirates. That’s probably not true, but man, what if it was?
Back to television, because that's what we love, there's big news for American Idol fans. This week, the show's creator, Simon Fuller, was honored with his own star on the Hollywood walk of fame. In a related story, Justin Gaurini will be sleeping on the sidewalk near that star. Is that how you spell his name? Oh, who gives a crap? Certainly not America.
In sadder news, the National Pinball Museum will be closing after just five months, due to a lack of funding. Although, if they get a match, they’ll get one more play. That’s a pinball joke. It barely makes sense if you’ve played pinball, and makes no sense if you haven’t. There, I admitted it. You happy now?
In other news of unhappy matches, an America woman in Salt Lake City was arrested this week for attempting to sell her daughter’s virginity. In her defense, however, the guy was offering a lot of cows and goats.
Speaking of legal issues, a recent Supreme Court ruling is forcing California to release 37,000 inmates from the state’s prisons. Unfortunately, Mark Burnett is already tied up with the Bible series on the History Channel, or else that would be one sweet reality show.
And finally, in Internet news, LinkedIn is now estimated to be worth approximately $4 billion, which means someone must have figured out how to use it for sex.
Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.
Over and out, my friends! Keep up the sunblock and let me know how the SPF is working out for you! Tell your friends the same, and we'll see you tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day, no matter what time of day you have it.
P.s.: it's either boxer shorts or south asian geopolitical analysis. No middle ground here, dear readers. I welcome your banter choice.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 30, 2011
Shall we?
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
International movie star George Clooney and famed footballer Christian Ronaldo have been called as witnesses in Silvio Berlusconi's trial for underage prostitution. Thank goodness the trial isn't turning into some sort of circus.
Speaking of circuses, a recent poll found that a majority of Americans think music and hair phenom Justin Bieber will be in rehab by the time he's 30. But he's always been so determined and such a hardworker, he can probably get there by 23 if he really tries.
On the Internet, Facebook removed an "intifada" group page from the website recently, saying that hate speech like that would not be allowed on the site, unless it's directed at the gay community.
In an unrelated story, Perez Hilton signed a deal for a children's book. He said he's excited about the challenge of writing up to a 3rd grade reading level. When asked about the demands of the book, Mr. Hilton said "I think I can. I think I can. Hey, that's pretty good! I should write that down!"
Hoping to put the "Birther" controversy to rest, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty said yesterday that President Obama was born in USA, and not in some other country. Unfortunately, no one was able to stay awake through the end of the statement.
The U.S. Supreme Court will soon hear a gender-discrimination case against Wal-Mart, wherein the plaintiffs claim Wal-Mart's female employees were underpaid. A spokesman for the company said "this is ridiculous. We've never singled women out for reduced pay! We don't want to pay anyone anything at all, regardless of race, gender or any of that crap. Seriously, we just hate our workers and wish we didn't have to pay them. Wouldn't that be nice?"
California authorities recently raided a house where pregnant Chinese women came to give birth to their babies, thus making the babies American. It's thought that by giving them American citizenship, they'll be less likely to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.
And finally, a Wisconsin judge has blocked the implementation of the recent union-busting bill signed into law by Governor Scott Walker. Walker responded by declaring it "opposite day" and enforcing the law anyway.
That's all for now. Have a great Wednesday and share us with your friends!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 3, 2011
What's more fun than a season full of snow and ice? How about some jokes?
It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.
In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.
It was Groundhog Day yesterday, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his hole to predict an early Spring before he unfortunately froze to death in the icy rain.
In entertainment news, reports surfaced this week that television star Tracy Morgan received a kidney from his ex-girlfriend, which is way more impressive than the standard booty call.
Musician Elton John said this week that he's worried about his friend and beard-enthusiast Billy Joel, who he says needs serious rehab. Billy Joel responded by saying that Elton John needs another dead Princess to jump start his career.
In politics, California Governor Jerry Brown compared the state of California to Egypt, which really isn't fair, considering that Egypt isn't bankrupt yet.
The Environmental Protection Agency announced yesterday that they would, for the first time, take steps to limit the amount of the rocket fuel Perchlorate in drinking water supplies. This move comes as part of the Obama administration's new effort to keep people from getting cancer and exploding.
In Japan, thirteen sumo wrestlers are under investigation for fixing fights. In America, that's called "Professional Wrestling."
Farrah Fawcett's famous red swimsuit, worn in her famous pinup poster, went to the Smithsonian this week. It will be displayed alongside the Venus of Malta as the centerpiece in the new "Hall of Masturbation."
Lastly, the website WikiLeaks was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize this week. In a related story, Perez Hilton was nominated for a Humanitas Award. One pundit noted, "hey, if The Tourist can get nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, then all bets are off."
That's it for me this week.
Spencer Hicks is in tomorrow, and Earnest Pettie will be bringing you some laughter on Sunday. So, thanks for stopping by! Come back soon and tell your friends!
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