Monday Morning Monologue - June 3, 2013

Yahoo! Mail Classic is shutting down today, so you might want to let your parents know.

Kim Kardashian revealed she is expecting a baby girl, while Kanye said he is still expecting the world to revolve around him. Because he's a big baby.

Angelina Jolie made her first public appearance this weekend since her double-mastectomy. When asked about her former bosom, Jolie said it felt great to get it off her chest. Because it would have probably killed her if she hadn't.

The new film adaptation of The Great Gatsby has proved to be a huge money-maker at the box office. Although there is some speculation that the film will eventually be found dead, floating in a swimming pool filled with its own hubris.

In the UK, the Labour [sic] Party vowed to take on "iron discipline" in making budget cuts. Also, that "iron" from the discipline will be sold off as scrap.

Indiana Pacers' Roy Hibbert was fined $75,000 for using a gay slur and an expletive during a recent press conference. That breaks down to $25,000 for the slur, $25,000 for the expletive, and $25,000 for making it that much harder to root against the Heat.

Alcoholic beverages may soon come with nutritional information labels, because alcohol isn't naturally depressing enough.

President Obama said recently that the economy is "showing signs of strength." He then added "not actual strength, just signs of strength. Wouldn't that be nice, though..."

And finally, the United Nations has found no increase in cancer rates in Japan following the Fukushima disaster. And so far, no new Godzilla sightings. So, keep your fingers crossed!

/end

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 24, 2013

Hey, super-big blog today! Enjoy it.

In Russia, a massive snowstorm blanket the country under multiple feet of snow. So much snow fell that you can't even see the angry crowds protesting Putin. It's like his dream come true, except that the snow isn't throwing rabble-rousers out of windows.

Scientists studying tree rings found a massive burst of gamma radiation all over the planet 1200 years ago, which would account for the widespread medieval Hulkism.

New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men are joining forces for the new "The Package" tour. Too bad the package has passed it's expiration date.

Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that he still loves Maria Shriver, probably because she didn't break his heart by having lots and lots of sex with the maid.

Scientists are looking for a more effective flu vaccine this season. Their goal is to get it so effective that it prevents the flu even in inconsiderate a-holes who refuse to get the shot.

A new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that condoms do not diminish sexual pleasure for Americans. What does diminish sexual pleasure for Americans? Calling the penis "John Boehner."

Speaking of sexiness, UK Prime Minister David Cameron promised the people of the UK an "in/out" referendum on EU membership. In/out. Member. Yep, we're classy.

An Irish council member went on record saying that drinking helped depression and mental illness. It's assumed he left out the words "cause and worsen" in his statement.

Chile is expanding its military, with a planned air base in Antarctica, which is great news for prostitutes who love the cold.

Authorities were dispatched to Chris Brown's home recently after a prankster called in a report of domestic violence. And by "prankster," we probably mean Rihanna.

Chipotle is testing shredded tofu as a meat replacement in its San Francisco stores. In a related story, Taco Bell is testing horse meat.

And finally, Manti Te'o recently spoke with Katie Couric about his fake-girlfriend-hoax scandal, leading to speculation that Katie Couric may not really exist.

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2012

Twenty-three-skidoo! Have some jokes, my friends.

A recent medical study found "drinking alcohol while pregnant has long-lasting effects in children." It's also a problem for adults.

In Michigan, a fleet of talking smart cars are taking to the city streets. They tried it in New Jersey, but the cars wouldn't stop swearing.

Logitech unveiled a washable computer keyboard, which is great for... you know. Whatever. It's just great.

Missouri douchebag Todd Aikin said he is staying in the race because of his faith. Makes sense. God only knows why anyone would support him now.

Danish wind turbine firm Vestas cut 1,400 jobs, due to the market sucking. They really needed it to blow.

Korean rapper Psy is finding fame on the Internet thanks to a viral video of his horse-riding dance. Ann Romney is already attempting to purchase him for the 2016 Olympics.

Ecuador's volcano Tungurahua continues to spew lava and rocks, as American tourists in Ecuador continue to spew tequila on the rocks.

And finally, Minnesota state representative Gauthier dropped out of his upcoming race due to his recent sex scandal. A distraught Gauthier said he really wished he'd done something forgivable like make crazy assertions about female biology.

Anyway, that's all. Till next time!

Monday Morning Monologue - March 19, 2012

Top of the morning to you. It's time for "hilarity" once more. Read on, and enjoy to your heart's content.

In Louisiana, rapper Lil' Wayne was ordered by the state to cut the grass at his mansion. A confused Snoop Dogg showed up immediately, offering to help.

Oprah Winfrey's "OWN" network just cancelled Rosie O'Donnell's talk show. They could have handled it more delicately, though. Instead, Oprah called the production staff into her office and just started shouting "YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED! AND YOU'RE GETTING FIRED!"

And you're getting sick of that particular Oprah punchline. I'll do my best to retire it. Just like Oprah retired Rosie.

Actor-activist George Clooney was arrested in a protest outside the Sudanese embassy last week. Finally, someone who has some credibility when he says "I'm too pretty for prison."

A British study found that children as young as ten years old are familiar with popular alcohol brands, thanks to advertising. So now it's more important than ever for parents to tell their children which brands of booze are actually good. Otherwise kids will just drink Smirnoff Ice and never move past it. And that's just sad.

In Russia, two young punk rock musicians, who happen to be young girls, were thrown in prison for praying to the Virgin Mary to deliver the country from Vladimir Putin. Once you use the power of the state to protect yourself from the prayers of a couple of girls, suddenly you don't seem that macho any more.

An exhibit at the Nixon library in California just went up with several love letters written by the former president to his wife. And just like most everything associated with Richard Nixon, large portions have been redacted, this time for decency.

Film director Kevin Smith said recently that podcasting saved his career, proving that podcasts are stronger than Jersey Girl. Thank goodness.

And finally, in Austin, Texas, entrepreneurs came under criticism for turning local homeless people into mobile wi-fi hotspots during South By South West. But it's not nearly as bad as their original plan, to somehow turn homeless people into some kind of living, breathing, satirical statement about the embarrassing gulf between rich and poor in this country, and how easy it is to ignore said gulf. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

Okay, that's all.

Monday Morning Monologue - February 6, 2012

Did anyone else lose big last night? I promise, this is the last year I bet on the Puppy Bowl. Let's see what else is happening.

At the Super Bowl last night, Tom Brady single-handedly defeated the New England Patriots. At least I think that's what happened.

During the half time show, singer M.I.A. got in some hot water for "flipping the bird" to the camera. But what really caused her trouble: on her fingernail, someone painted a picture of Janet Jackson's boob.

Philadelphia is celebrating the 200th birthday of author Charles Dickens, which may explain the city's new tourism slogan: "What happens in Philadelphia, stays in Philadelphia. Because it's so boring, no one wants to hear about it."

In the UK, doctors are warning of health risks for those who have "a little too much drink," including increased incidents of diabetes, heart disease, and having sex with ugly people.

NBC's hit program, The Voice, debuted last night, along with a new drinking game for the show. Pretty sure Paula Abdul was playing a similar game on X-Factor.

A group of mushroom pickers in Oregon were located this weekend after being lost for six days. Apparently they got distracted by a really shiny leaf.

Facebook is under fire for banning pictures of women breastfeeding from their site. And if you ask me, Facebook is really being a tit about this.

And finally, in an unrelated story, the Susan G. Komen foundation reversed its position to withhold funding to Planned Parenthood. Many observers were surprised by the flip-flopping on the issue, and the foundation itself was left without strong support. They got squeezed.

Boobies.

Okay, that's it. What a great way to celebrate our 300th post. That's it! See you tomorrow!

Monday Morning Monologue - June 20, 2011

Are you ready for some observations about current events taken out of context with some stuff made up? No? Well, you've got about ten more words before you have to be. How about now?

In Mexico, authorities revealed recently that gangs are now stealing fuel, because apparently it's more lucrative than cocaine. That might also explain the sudden number of drive-by shooting linked to Chevron.

In entertainment news, Russel Brand has been invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which means he gets to vote on oscars. And you thought democracy worked...

In Belgrade, boozy chenteuse and death-defier Amy Winehouse was booed offstage after drunkenly slurring through several songs and just generally sucking. The audience was denied a refund, however, as the tickets clearly indicated Amy Winehouse would be performing.

In Russia, Human rights activist Yelena Bonner died at the age of 88 after a long illness. A heartbroken Vladimir Putin issued a statement expressing his regret that he never got around to killing her while she was alive.

In political sporting news, President Obama and Speaker Boehner teamed up for a charity benefit golf tournament. Unfortunately they didn't get to play, as Senator McConnell filibustered the entire tournament.

In molestation news, the Vatican set up a help center to assist children and adults abused by members of the clergy. That's a great step, but how about a "don't sexually assault people" center, too?

In her new memoir, Bristol Palin describes losing her virginity on camping trip after having too many wine coolers in what may be the least surprising story of sex ever written. If she hasn't had any sex since then, then Ms. Palin has a real case to lay claim to the title of "Most Hackneyed Vagina." Good luck, Bristol!

Lastly, in a related story, a recent medical study found that only 24% of high school students drink soda regularly, down from 29% two years ago. Apparently kids are finding better mixers for cheap whiskey than we did. Time marches on. Or at least stumbles drunkenly.

That's all! Go forth and have a great day! See you tomorrow, kiddos!