A new smartphone app is in development to tell users whether or not they're drunk. The name of the app is "Wanna Call Cheryl?"
Zoologists think that dolphins may use distinct noises to refer to each other, in effect meaning that they have their own names. And apparently dolphins think it's racist when we can't tell them apart.
In China, a woman got trapped between two walls of a home, and when she cried out for help the owners thought she was a ghost. Crazy, right? Everyone knows that ghosts rent.
Recently government agents seized $35 million worth of cocaine in Florida. So now's Florida's big chance to get back on the nation's good side.
A professional group representing academic historians is pushing for universities to withhold Ph.D. dissertations from distribution on the Internet for six years after publication. It's part of a new "no spoiler" policy for world history.
Pope Francis ended his tour of Brazil with the world's longest no-touching conga line in history. Also, he's the first Pontiff since 1540 to get a full back-wax during peace time.
In Washington D.C. thousands of people lined up to experience the "corpse flower." It's the most foul thing in the city that wasn't elected or appointed.
And finally, key players in the New York Democratic Party are telling Anthony Weiner to pull out of the mayoral race after his latest sexting scandal. However, judging from the content of his messages, it could get messy if Weiner pulls out at the wrong time.
Stay classy!
Showing posts with label cocaine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cocaine. Show all posts
Monday, July 29, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2013
The City of Las Vegas is getting a new "New York" style park. The park is conceived of as a way to bring residents out into a public space in the same way that parks in New York City do, becoming a central hub for communities. In order to replicate the success of NYC, Las Vegas will be importing authentic NYC homeless people, pot-dealing university students, and used condoms.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
That's all. Cheers!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 31, 2012
It's Tuesday, my friends. Assuming that it's Tuesday when you're reading this. Have you caught Olympic fever yet? I'm not sure that I'm allowed to say "Olympic," actually. Let's see if we get a cease and desist order from the IOC. That's about the only Olympic souvenir I can afford.
JOKES!
Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that McDonald's and Coca-Cola are sponsoring the Olympic games? In a related story, NASCAR is now sponsored by Broken Glass and Potholes.
Yesterday, U.S. Customs Agents searching Tokyo-bound luggage found several pounds of methamphetamine disguised as Snickers bars. As if those things aren't addictive enough on their own.
In an interview with ABC News, former Vice President Cheney said that even though he supports gay marriage, he didn't see a point in bringing it up in the 2000 election. You know, because of all the bigots who wouldn't vote for him. Wait, was there a punchline? Oh, I guess this is like a comedy of manners. And the joke is that Dick Cheney is a horrible, horrible person.
The White House issued a report this week claiming that Colombia is no longer the world's leading cocaine producer, falling behind Peru and Bolivia in recent years. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's one more bronze medal for Colombia.
Conservative news site The Daily Caller was attacked by malware on Sunday, changing the website's banner ads to hardcore pornography. Editors apologized to any visitors to the website who may have inadvertently enjoyed themselves.
In India, a power outage in Northern India turned out the lights for over 300 million people, or as it is known in India, "a couple of neighborhoods."
In New Zealand, a 23-year-old man was treated for burns to his buttocks and genitals after attempting to launch fireworks from his own ass. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved, as well as the young man's belief that he is in fact Wile E. Coyote.
And finally, a Japanese company announced it is now selling a 4.5 ton, armed and armored robot that can be remotely piloted with an iPhone. And you thought drunk texting was dangerous.
There you go. Till tomorrow!
JOKES!
Speaking of the Olympics, did you see that McDonald's and Coca-Cola are sponsoring the Olympic games? In a related story, NASCAR is now sponsored by Broken Glass and Potholes.
Yesterday, U.S. Customs Agents searching Tokyo-bound luggage found several pounds of methamphetamine disguised as Snickers bars. As if those things aren't addictive enough on their own.
In an interview with ABC News, former Vice President Cheney said that even though he supports gay marriage, he didn't see a point in bringing it up in the 2000 election. You know, because of all the bigots who wouldn't vote for him. Wait, was there a punchline? Oh, I guess this is like a comedy of manners. And the joke is that Dick Cheney is a horrible, horrible person.
The White House issued a report this week claiming that Colombia is no longer the world's leading cocaine producer, falling behind Peru and Bolivia in recent years. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that's one more bronze medal for Colombia.
Conservative news site The Daily Caller was attacked by malware on Sunday, changing the website's banner ads to hardcore pornography. Editors apologized to any visitors to the website who may have inadvertently enjoyed themselves.
In India, a power outage in Northern India turned out the lights for over 300 million people, or as it is known in India, "a couple of neighborhoods."
In New Zealand, a 23-year-old man was treated for burns to his buttocks and genitals after attempting to launch fireworks from his own ass. Authorities believe alcohol may have been involved, as well as the young man's belief that he is in fact Wile E. Coyote.
And finally, a Japanese company announced it is now selling a 4.5 ton, armed and armored robot that can be remotely piloted with an iPhone. And you thought drunk texting was dangerous.
There you go. Till tomorrow!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Friday Morning Monologue - July 6, 2012
Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 21, 2011
Welcome, welcome! I hope you're all having a great day. It's been cold in New York, so I decided to buy some long johns from Uniqlo. I bought black ones, from their Heattech line, and it didn't occur to me until I got home that I've basically bought a pair of black tights. And I really don't have the ass for that.
Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!
The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.
In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!
American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.
French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.
Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.
A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.
And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.
Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.
See you tomorrow!
Scientists found that 92% of public diaper changing tables in the UK have cocaine on them. In a related story, 92% of British babies FEEL TOTALLY INCREDIBLE RIGHT NOW! WHOOOO! COME ON, LET'S DO THAT BARNEY DANCE!
The Kepler space telescope discovered two earth-sized planets in another solar system yesterday. So now the Earth will finally have someone to borrow clothes from.
In television news, Whoopi Goldberg denied farting during an interview with Claire Danes on The View. She did not fart. No, she full-on shit herself. Ruined a new pair of tights, too. HEY-OH!
American Idol runner-up David Archuleta will spend the next two years as a Mormon proselytizer. Congratulations, David. You've found a way to be more annoying.
French lawmakers plan to criminalize the denial of the 1915-1916 Turkish genocide of Armenians. John Galliano is already setting up his legal defense fund.
Scientists suspect they will uncover a "new metal" at the Earth's core, forged by the intense heat and pressure at the center of the planet. I just hope this "new metal" isn't Papa Roach. Those guys suck.
A man in New York will spend a year in federal prison for leaking a copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine on the Internet a month before the film came out. It's a good start, but there are still many, many people out there who were responsible for making and distributing the film, and we shouldn't rest until they are all behind bars.
And finally, the Denver Broncos have declined to make a video for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Initially, the Indianapolis Colts offered to join the campaign, but organizers decided no one would believe the Colts could ever get better.
Cease joking... NOW! Serious time now, everyone. Unless someone farts.
See you tomorrow!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 5, 2011
Hey, happy Monday, and happy End of Prohibition Day! On this day in 1933, Prohibition ended, legalizing the sale and possession of alcoholic beverages in the United States. It would be the last time America wasted its time, money and energy on an unwinnable war against human desires. Glad that's over. Okay, back to today. What happened this weekend? Who knows!
Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.
In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.
In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.
A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.
Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.
A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.
On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.
And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!
Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)
Speaking of prohibition, a man in Deltona, Florida, was arrested after trying to order drugs at a Burger King. So much for having it your way. In a related story, there are no Taco Bell locations in Deltona, Florida.
In Spartanburg, South Carolina, a woman was arrested after a routine traffic stop when she revealed she had two crack pipes hidden between her butt cheeks. Look like someone took the name "crack" too literally.
In Saudi Arabia, a conservative religious group predicted that if women are allowed to drive, there will be no virgins in the country within ten years. It should be noted that this assertion was made after watching Grease and is, of course, based upon the premise that Saudi Arabian women are insatiable whores.
A government study in England found that "anger at police" was a major cause of the country's riots earlier this year. The study also found that water is wet.
Two Chinese Pandas arrived in Edinburgh, Scotland, this weekend. Their move to Edinburgh serves as a stern warning to other Pandas that they'd better behave, or they might end up in Scotland.
A new company is offering toy rentals this holiday season, just like Netflix's DVD-by-mail service. Parents can queue up toys for their kids and send back toys their done with so other kids can play with them. A similar program was scrapped by Adam & Eve.
On Facebook, a condom company is creating profiles for fake, yet-to-be-conceived children to try and sell condoms. If they really want their marketing to go viral, they should be sending out invites from Syphilis' account.
And finally, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was arrested in Aspen for assault and cocaine possession with intent to distribute. Looks like someone wants to reconcile!
Buzzer. We're out of time, kiddos. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day! (and maybe a cocktail)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 3, 2011
What's got eight jokes and no banter? This blog!
Allegations surfaced yesterday that the Newt Gingrich campaign purchased fake Twitter followers to make the candidate appear more popular than he really is. I prefer to think he's just doing really well among people with private photo galleries and iPad giveaways. Also, they might try purchasing some fake campaign staff while they're at it.
This week the U.S. Coast Guard found a disabled submarine in the Caribbean with 7.5 tons of cocaine aboard. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen asked "wait a minute, was it blue with white pinstripes?! No? Oh, okay."
Also this week, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords returned to Congress to cast her vote for the bill to raise the debt limit and cut federal spending by two trillion dollars over the next ten years. She voted for the bill, despite her earlier comment that "this economy needs more spending cuts like I need another... well, you know."
I apologize for the construction of that joke, but not the content.
In China, the popular video game Angry Birds has taken off with Chinese gamers. It's just like the American version, except if the birds get too angry, they get arrested.
Speaking of criminals, Venezuela is releasing 40% of all its prisoners as part of a cost-saving initiative. The government assured the people that there's no threat to public safety, as most of the prisoners weren't guilty of anything, anyway.
In entertainment news, Joe Pesci is suing the producers of a film about John Gotti. Pesci says he gained 30 pounds after the producers promised him the role of Gotti, then changed their minds, leaving him, in effect fat and unemployed. In a related story, Rob Reiner wishes he'd thought of that excuse.
Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is returning to television this fall. There's no word yet if she'll be taking Conan's time slot or not.
And lastly, an unidentified man jumped over the White House fence and was taken into custody by Secret Service agents. President Obama said he's willing to listen to the man's demands and negotiate a deal.
</jokes>
Come back tomorrow, and have a great day!
Allegations surfaced yesterday that the Newt Gingrich campaign purchased fake Twitter followers to make the candidate appear more popular than he really is. I prefer to think he's just doing really well among people with private photo galleries and iPad giveaways. Also, they might try purchasing some fake campaign staff while they're at it.
This week the U.S. Coast Guard found a disabled submarine in the Caribbean with 7.5 tons of cocaine aboard. A visibly distraught Charlie Sheen asked "wait a minute, was it blue with white pinstripes?! No? Oh, okay."
Also this week, Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords returned to Congress to cast her vote for the bill to raise the debt limit and cut federal spending by two trillion dollars over the next ten years. She voted for the bill, despite her earlier comment that "this economy needs more spending cuts like I need another... well, you know."
I apologize for the construction of that joke, but not the content.
In China, the popular video game Angry Birds has taken off with Chinese gamers. It's just like the American version, except if the birds get too angry, they get arrested.
Speaking of criminals, Venezuela is releasing 40% of all its prisoners as part of a cost-saving initiative. The government assured the people that there's no threat to public safety, as most of the prisoners weren't guilty of anything, anyway.
In entertainment news, Joe Pesci is suing the producers of a film about John Gotti. Pesci says he gained 30 pounds after the producers promised him the role of Gotti, then changed their minds, leaving him, in effect fat and unemployed. In a related story, Rob Reiner wishes he'd thought of that excuse.
Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is returning to television this fall. There's no word yet if she'll be taking Conan's time slot or not.
And lastly, an unidentified man jumped over the White House fence and was taken into custody by Secret Service agents. President Obama said he's willing to listen to the man's demands and negotiate a deal.
</jokes>
Come back tomorrow, and have a great day!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2011
Okay, Monday. I don't like you, and you don't like me. So let's get this over with and go our separate ways. I wonder how many blind dates this week will at some point include that sentiment.
In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday. In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."
In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?
A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"
In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...
In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.
Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."
In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"
And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.
That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!
In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday. In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."
In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?
A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"
In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...
In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.
Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."
In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"
And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.
That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 16, 2011
Hey, did you all have a great March 15th yesterday? If you had a Caesar Salad, I hope you stabbed the crap out of it. Yes, I know the salad is unrelated to the ancient political figure. It's just a joke. More examples are included for your enjoyment below.
At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.
In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."
In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.
In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!
Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.
In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.
A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.
And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.
And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!
At the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, an investigation is underway to figure out why a bag of cocaine was recently found on the premises. The most likely explanation, of course, is that the owner thought it was new Crystal Tang. That's a thing, right? If not, then it was probably just a coke-head. No need to worry; it's only rocket science.
In sports news, Adrian Peterson called the NFL "modern day slavery." He went on to say, "except that we make a whole lot of money and can bask in the love and adoration of our fans. Even those of us who play for the Lions."
In Russia, a bomb squad was recently deployed to disarm a suspected bomb which turned out to be a woman's vibrator. That must have been one confusing day for the squad's bomb-sniffing dog.
In an interview this week, musician Jon Bon Jovi blamed Steve Jobs, and iTunes, for "killing the music industry." Bon Jovi reminisced about a time when consumers bought records based on what the cover looked like, without knowing what the music was. "God, it was wonderful. You could just slap a cool picture of a skeleton or a hot chick on the jacket and you made millions. Now you have to write songs and stuff. Friggin' sucks." In a related story, Bon Jovi has 25 albums and singles available for purchase on iTunes! Get your fill now!
Comedian and supplemental insurance salesman Gilbert Gottfried was fired from his job as the voice of the Aflac duck, meaning that Gottfried will have to go back to being annoying without the aid of animated water fowl. A nationwide search is on to find his replacement. Casting directors are looking for someone with a voice as "annoying as shit" to fill the role.
In the UK, a celebrity dentist may be fired from his show on Channel 4 after admitting to an affair with one of his patients. The most shocking aspect of the story, however, is the startling revelation that British people are so God-awful boring that a dentist can become a TV star there.
A recent study from Cambridge University found that people who were happy as children tend to get divorced as adults, whereas people who were unhappy children tend to stay married in order to inflict the maximum amount of sorrow upon their unwitting partners. Go ahead, write a song about that, Timberlake.
And finally, another study from the Rush Medical Center found that people who have a fulfilling purpose in life live longer than people who don't. So, good news! If you've got a crappy, meaningless life that you hate, at least it will be short. And that's basically The Secret. There, you just saved twenty bucks. You're welcome.
And you're welcome to come back here for jokes all week long. Leave your comments, share your favorite posts with e-friends, and have a great Wednesday! See you tomorrow!
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