Welcome back, my friends! Did you miss me? Oh, go on. No, go on. Go on, read the rest of this. Then you might not miss me so much...
Burmese democracy activist Aung San Suu Kyi was issued her first passport in 24 years this week, and was unfortunately squinting in her photo. Oh well, better luck next time!
A Nebraska man changed his name to Tyrannosaurus Rex this week because he thought of it before you did.
George Lucas said recently that education is the single most important job in America, which is why he has vowed to replace every American teacher with a computer-generated alien by 2020.
Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney on Monday after the presumptive candidate agreed to fight for tax breaks for sweater vests and idiots.
America's envoy to Pakistan is leaving the country after almost two years, which means Pakistan should probably get ready for some more drone strikes.
In entertainment news, NBC just picked up two new sitcoms for next season: 1600 Penn and Animal Practice. A spokesman said the network is thrilled to have the new shows, and can't wait to cancel them.
North Carolina voters passed a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage in the state, because fuck tolerance. Incidentally, "Fuck Tolerance" was going to be the new state motto, but the voters didn't know what the word "tolerance" meant, assumed it was French and that saying it would somehow make them all gay.
Seriously, 58% of North Carolina voters can fuck right off.
And finally, airport security screeners in Warwick, Rhode Island, found gun parts stashed in a child's stuffed animals. The child's father was shocked by the find, mostly because that meant he'd accidentally left all his heroin at home.
Okay, that's it! See you tomorrow! Unless you voted for North Carolina's Amendment One, in which case you can fuck right off!
Showing posts with label rick santorum. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rick santorum. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2012
Anything happen yesterday?
Former Senator Rick Santorum added "Former Candidate" to his name as he officially suspended his campaign after someone told him that running for President made you gay.
In Miami, Marlins' coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended after praising Fidel Castro, because the Marlins organization won't get behind anyone who stifles free expression. Also, his pitching is crap.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers just announced that they're endorsing President Obama for re-election. Pitchfork called the endorsement derivative of their last endorsement, and Rolling Stones said it was their worst endorsement in years.
That band sucks.
Ashley Judd went after the gossip media for fixating on her "puffy" face recently. She wrote an angry essay for the Daily Beast, which is a bold move for someone fighting the perception that she's losing her looks.
English Rugby chairman Richard Lewis was hired to head Wimbeldon, so look for that to be a lot more interesting next year.
The White House is pushing the new "Buffett Rule" for taxes, which would require you to use a clean plate each time you pay your taxes.
Statistically, speaking, one-fifth of third graders now own a cell phone, which is why your new auto-correct dictionary includes the word "cooties" but not "job."
And finally, the Iranian government announced it will be cutting the country off entirely from the Internet by August, so enjoy Iran's top celebrity gossip blog, SnarkyFarsi.com, while you can.
And that's it. See you tomorrow!
Former Senator Rick Santorum added "Former Candidate" to his name as he officially suspended his campaign after someone told him that running for President made you gay.
In Miami, Marlins' coach Ozzie Guillen was suspended after praising Fidel Castro, because the Marlins organization won't get behind anyone who stifles free expression. Also, his pitching is crap.
The Red Hot Chili Peppers just announced that they're endorsing President Obama for re-election. Pitchfork called the endorsement derivative of their last endorsement, and Rolling Stones said it was their worst endorsement in years.
That band sucks.
Ashley Judd went after the gossip media for fixating on her "puffy" face recently. She wrote an angry essay for the Daily Beast, which is a bold move for someone fighting the perception that she's losing her looks.
English Rugby chairman Richard Lewis was hired to head Wimbeldon, so look for that to be a lot more interesting next year.
The White House is pushing the new "Buffett Rule" for taxes, which would require you to use a clean plate each time you pay your taxes.
Statistically, speaking, one-fifth of third graders now own a cell phone, which is why your new auto-correct dictionary includes the word "cooties" but not "job."
And finally, the Iranian government announced it will be cutting the country off entirely from the Internet by August, so enjoy Iran's top celebrity gossip blog, SnarkyFarsi.com, while you can.
And that's it. See you tomorrow!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012
Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
- If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
- If billionaires quit giving him money.
- If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
- If he came to his senses.
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2012
Good (time of day) my (level of familiarity) (relationship)! How are you? After these jokes, maybe it will be marginally better. But hey, what else have you got to do for the next three minutes?
On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.
Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.
In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.
A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."
New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.
In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.
Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.
And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!
That's it! Later, friends!
On the occasion of her Diamond Jubilee, Queen Elizabeth rededicated herself to serving the UK. And Satan.
Profits are down for high end jeweler Tiffany and Company. But don't worry, profits will be back up just as soon as Gingrich gets out of the campaign. Because he won't be in a position to ruin the economy anymore.
In a new special feature, Gmail will now tell you why a message was classified as "junk" or "spam." It won't, however, tell you why she'll never write back and/or never love you.
A woman in Elkhart, Indiana, claims to have found a feather in her Chicken McNugget. A spokesman for the company said, "impossible! Those things have never been near a bird."
New trend in business, as job applicants are being asked for their Facebook passwords. MySpace accounts are unaffected.
In the UK, Adele's 21 has overtaken Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon as the number one selling album in UK history. Because kids in the UK no longer smoke pot.
Americans are up in arms over the recent enhanced screening of a wheelchair-bound toddler by the TSA. Unfortunate. They did, however, find two knives and a can of mace.
And finally, Rick Santorum's campaign has sold over $300,000 worth of sweater vests to donors. Good news, everyone! It just got easier to spot assholes!
That's it! Later, friends!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012
Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 8, 2012
One more time, my friends. Here are some jokes of varying levels of hilarity. Enjoy at will!
PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?
In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.
Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.
Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"
The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.
Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.
In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.
And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.
BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."
PayPal is demanding vendors remove "obscene" e-books or lose their PayPal accounts. That means The Fountainhead, right?
In Michigan, a million dollar lottery winner is now on public assistance. What a shock that someone who buys lottery tickets would have trouble managing money.
Ugandan mega-shit Joseph Kony has been targeted by Twitter users who are trying to shed light on his atrocious crimes and inspire others to take action against him. If it works, maybe we can finally do something about Chris Brown and Whitney.
Following Mitt Romney's "Super Tuesday" wins, fellow candidates Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich both rejected calls to quit. One analyst explained "they've based their entire campaigns on making horrible decisions, why would they stop now?"
The classic computer game SimCity is returning with a special "City Manager Version" on sale only in Michigan. It's just like the regular game, except you have absolutely no say in what happens, and your cities end up getting sold off to golf course developers.
Country singer Jerrod Niemann's tour bus burned up in Tennessee yesterday, spawning another hit single for Niemann.
In international news this week, Hamas denied being proxy for Iran, according to an Iranian press release.
And finally, the ReelzChannel has scheduled a pro-Palin documentary to air the same weekend as HBO's new film Game Chang. According to a representative from ReelzChannel (which does not in fact sound real), their decision is not motivated at all by politics. Nope, it's motivated by money, just like Sarah Palin.
BOOM! Okay, that wraps it up for me. Let's do this again soon, what do you say? Until then, have a series of great days. And don't forget to set your clocks ahead one hour! To help remind you, here's "Clocks."
Monday, February 20, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 21, 2012
Welcome back, friends. Did anyone else party too hard for Presidents' Day? And by "party," I do mean "Whig," if you know what I mean. And if you do, please tell me. I didn't actually get that.
Speaking of political parties and not getting it, Rick Santorum has been spreading himself pretty thin in Michigan, but polls show he's connecting with voters on a personal level. Romney, on the other hand, is doing really well with the automated car-building robots in Detroit. But you know robots are too lazy to vote.
In New York, Monaco's Prince Pierre Casiraghi was briefly hospitalized after a bar fight, when he was defeated by the Black Knight.
Astronaut and American hero Neil Armstrong gave a speech honoring John Glenn this weekend. Said Armstrong, "while it's not as cool as being the first man on the moon, it's still quite an accomplishment being the first man to orbit the Earth. What's that? Oh, he wasn't? It was some Russian guy? Oh, this is awkward." He then cut the tension by punching a waiter who said the moon landing was staged.
Disgraced former Senator John Ensign is back in Nevada, working as a veterinarian at a clinic he founded years ago. And in my mind, the clinic specializes exclusively in proctology for large, violent jungle cats. With incontinence.
In the Italian town of Ivrea, residents gathered this week for a massive orange fight before Lent. So take that, Rio. Looks like you've got some party competition this year.
In Washington, D.C., a community college is selling kits with all you need for Occupy-style protests. It's got everything but bail money.
Scientists discovered that soldier ants actually remember the scent of their enemies, sort of like Axe body spray.
And finallly, in Romania, the supreme court legally recognized Paul Hohenzollern as the legitimate heir to the Romanian throne, ending a 21 year legal battle and beginning a new battle with the Black Knight. Best of luck, Paul!
That's all. See you tomorrow!
Speaking of political parties and not getting it, Rick Santorum has been spreading himself pretty thin in Michigan, but polls show he's connecting with voters on a personal level. Romney, on the other hand, is doing really well with the automated car-building robots in Detroit. But you know robots are too lazy to vote.
In New York, Monaco's Prince Pierre Casiraghi was briefly hospitalized after a bar fight, when he was defeated by the Black Knight.
Astronaut and American hero Neil Armstrong gave a speech honoring John Glenn this weekend. Said Armstrong, "while it's not as cool as being the first man on the moon, it's still quite an accomplishment being the first man to orbit the Earth. What's that? Oh, he wasn't? It was some Russian guy? Oh, this is awkward." He then cut the tension by punching a waiter who said the moon landing was staged.
Disgraced former Senator John Ensign is back in Nevada, working as a veterinarian at a clinic he founded years ago. And in my mind, the clinic specializes exclusively in proctology for large, violent jungle cats. With incontinence.
In the Italian town of Ivrea, residents gathered this week for a massive orange fight before Lent. So take that, Rio. Looks like you've got some party competition this year.
In Washington, D.C., a community college is selling kits with all you need for Occupy-style protests. It's got everything but bail money.
Scientists discovered that soldier ants actually remember the scent of their enemies, sort of like Axe body spray.
And finallly, in Romania, the supreme court legally recognized Paul Hohenzollern as the legitimate heir to the Romanian throne, ending a 21 year legal battle and beginning a new battle with the Black Knight. Best of luck, Paul!
That's all. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012
And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Now, for some other crap:
A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.
In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.
Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.
Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.
Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.
Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.
Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.
Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.
A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.
And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.
That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - February 13, 2012
Crap. The Grammy's were on last night, and once again, like every year, I totally forgot to give a shit. I'm sure someone will tell me who won, and I'm fairly sure that, once again this week, it wasn't Tom Brady.
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Okay, jokes.
Venezuela's opposition party picked their first ever challenger to oppose Hugo Chavez in the presidential election. His name is, strangely enough, Hugo Chavez. Democracy in action.
Website Reddit banned sexually suggestive images of children from its forums, including any and all photos from American Apparel.
A children's story by famed author James Joyce is being published for the first time in Dublin. Now, generations of children won't have to wait until high school to find out what an insufferably awful writer he was.
Producer and impressively large man Suge Knight was arrested in Las Vegas for marijuana possession. Said Knight, "really? That's all? Not the other thing? Okay, cool."
Karl Lagerfeld tried to clarify his recent comment about singer Adele being "too fat." He said the comments were "taken out of context" and made much more sense "in context." That context being that he's a hateful old asshole.
A "violent" Madonna stalker escaped from a mental institution last week. I hope he doesn't see her halftime show. Or Whitney.
Rick Santorum said this weekend that he knows he won't alienate women voters because of his conservative stance on social issues. He did, however, acknowledge that they'd likely be put off by his sweater vests, serial killer smile and the fact that he's just generally a douchebag.
And finally, the Greek government announced a new plan to bridge their current budget crisis by charging retroactive license fees to the rest of the world for using democracy, gyros and yogurt. Mainly the last two. Also, Venezuela is exempt.
That's all! Till tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - February 9, 2012
It's been a long day. Let's make this quick and hilarious.
In Pennsylvania, a college campus is selling the morning after pill in vending machines. Unless the vending machine is Catholic.
On Sunday, over two million people streamed the Super Bowl live on the Internet. In Chat Roulette terms, that's over an hour's worth of penises.
Speaking of penises, Kris Humphries said this week that his marriage to Kim Kardashian was fake, to which Kim responded "Fake? Fake my ass!"
There's a new eating trend. And I'm going to tell you about it, then make fun of it. Okay. Buddhists are promoting "mindful eating" as a way to curb binge eating and help maintain a healthy weight. You know, like Buddha did.
In Indonesia, a commercial airline pilot tested positive for crystal meth. His company became suspicious after he took apart an entire 747.
Also in Indonesian, the national train company plans to discourage stowaways by hitting them with a noxious, disgusting goop. Or, as Southwest calls it: an in-flight snack. BOOM! TIMELY!
Internet firms in India have agreed to remove objectionable content from the Web, and to block objectionable foreign content. So, goodbye, Indian readers! You were make believe, but you were still awesome.
And finally, Rick Santorum won three primary elections this week. However, no delegates were awarded, which makes me think that this is just an elaborate episode of Punk'd.
End. More later! Have a great day!
In Pennsylvania, a college campus is selling the morning after pill in vending machines. Unless the vending machine is Catholic.
On Sunday, over two million people streamed the Super Bowl live on the Internet. In Chat Roulette terms, that's over an hour's worth of penises.
Speaking of penises, Kris Humphries said this week that his marriage to Kim Kardashian was fake, to which Kim responded "Fake? Fake my ass!"
There's a new eating trend. And I'm going to tell you about it, then make fun of it. Okay. Buddhists are promoting "mindful eating" as a way to curb binge eating and help maintain a healthy weight. You know, like Buddha did.
In Indonesia, a commercial airline pilot tested positive for crystal meth. His company became suspicious after he took apart an entire 747.
Also in Indonesian, the national train company plans to discourage stowaways by hitting them with a noxious, disgusting goop. Or, as Southwest calls it: an in-flight snack. BOOM! TIMELY!
Internet firms in India have agreed to remove objectionable content from the Web, and to block objectionable foreign content. So, goodbye, Indian readers! You were make believe, but you were still awesome.
And finally, Rick Santorum won three primary elections this week. However, no delegates were awarded, which makes me think that this is just an elaborate episode of Punk'd.
End. More later! Have a great day!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 26, 2012
Can you believe it's Thursday already? It might not be Thursday when you read this, so that's pretty believable, I guess. Anyway, enjoy these mind-bending bits of... oh, Hell, they're just jokes. Read away!
President Barack Obama delivered his yearly State of the Union address Tuesday night. The program was the highest-rated program on NBC all week.
After Tuesday's State of the Union address, the Republican response, delivered by Governor Mitch Daniels, accused President Obama of making "efforts to divide us," saying that he was co-opting GOP plans to divide the nation.
Michele Bachmann is seeking a fourth term in Congress. And for some reason she's still campaigning in Iowa.
Newt Gingrich is refusing to debate if the audience can't applaud. Seems like Newt just can't escape the clap.
Rick Santorum wants the audience to make noise, too, but that's because he's hoping someone will shout out the answers.
Newt Gingrich announced that he would establish a colony on the moon if he were President. And by "establish a colony on the moon" he means "blast all the poor people into space."
In Arizona, President Obama had a tense conversation with Governor Jan Brewer, presumably over the fact that she's a terrible governor.
And finally, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said yesterday that President Obama wouldn't keep him on if he is reelected this fall. Well, finally Geithner starts making reasonable predictions.
Okay, that's all you get! There will be more Monday! And more tomorrow with Spencer! HOORAY!
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