Google is set to spent $500 million promoting the new Motorola "Moto X" phone, which it turns out is slightly less than it would have cost to just make a good phone in the first place.
Police arrested a man for sitting outside John Kerry's Boston home with an open container of alcohol. In a related story, STOP THE PRESSES! Some yahoo is out drunk in Boston!
In Michigan City, Indiana, a young boy is doing well after being rescued from a sinkhole where he was trapped for three hours. The child thanked his good fortune for not being stuck in a sinkhole in Florida. Because someone would have shot him.
In Italy, racism is alive and well, as an Italian Senator just made statements likening the country's first black cabinet minister to an orangutan. Fortunately, George Zimmerman was nowhere near the cabinet minister.
China's economy slowed for the second straight quarter, proving once again that they get all their ideas from America.
Speaking of China, former Laker Metta World Peace is considering taking his talents to China as a free agent. He's excited at the prospect of playing for over a billion fans, and choking them.
In Belfast, the Northern Ireland Chief of Police denounced recent riots, saying they were "shameful and disgraceful," claiming that Northern Ireland can do way better next time.
And finally, the world's oldest calendar was discovered in Scotland recently. Scientists were able to determine its exact age by checking to see if it listed Larry King's birthday.
HE'S OLD!
And that's it for today.
Showing posts with label italy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label italy. Show all posts
Monday, July 15, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 4, 2013
Archaeologists revealed evidence recently that French winemaking actually comes from Italy. Still no word on where they got the arrogance.
A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.
Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.
Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.
In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.
Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.
President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.
And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.
That's all.
A new study out of California indicates that a vegetarian diet can prolong lives. Although most of those lives are cows, pigs, and chickens.
Internet gaming company Zynga just laid off a third of their workforce. Which explains their latest batch of games: JOB HUNTER, Let's Collect: Unemployment, and the new tower-defense hit Mom's Basement. Also, the recently unemployed programmers are now hard at work on an actual farm. So they can eat.
Will and Jaden Smith's sci-fi adventure After Earth is struggling at the box office, which may explain why Will Smith posted a casting call looking for a new son. Ouch.
In Mississippi, indictments were unsealed in the case of the recent ricin attacks against the President. However, court was adjourned early when the judge discovered the indictments themselves contained ricin.
Blind advocates are up in arms over the CAPTCHA technology used to verify human presence on the Internet. Also angry: people who like to leave drunk comments on websites.
President Obama called for tougher sanctions against Iran, specifically their auto industry, leading many to speculate that Iran may have a secret automotive industry.
And finally, Michael Douglass said that oral sex can cause throat cancer. It's all part of his plan to make every man in the world hate him.
That's all.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 29, 2013
In Italy, a new national coalition government was just sworn in, marking the end of a period of great hope for the European Union.
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
In Greece the national government fired 15,000 workers as part of an austerity plan. Unfortunately, they were the ones in charge of the austerity plan.
The Venezuelan government will begin auditing votes from the recent presidential election because "it wasn't supposed to be that close."
Scientists have found a new strain of the malaria parasite that is resistant to drugs. Bad news for the Bill Gates foundation, as he's always been pretty bad at getting bugs out of the system.
The film Rocky is heading to Broadway as a new musical. Expectations are high, based on the recently released preview track "Nunawanahhhhh Yeahuhuuuuuh Fuhhhhhhhhhh!" Go get 'em, Rocky!
Japan recently celebrated the anniversary of the "return of sovereignty" from the U.S. to Japan after World War II. It's the first time the holiday has been celebrated, and is really more about giving thanks that they're no longer forced to work with the U.S. Senate.
If you've been on the Internet, you know North Carolina news anchor A.J. Clemente and his expletive-filled first, and last, day on the job. He recently gave an interview attempting to explain just what happened, but the entire thing had to be bleeped.
And finally, Iraq suspended al-Jazeera this weekend for "promoting violence" in the country. They also banned Chris Brown records for same reason.
And that's it! See you tomorrow, friends!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2013
The City of Las Vegas is getting a new "New York" style park. The park is conceived of as a way to bring residents out into a public space in the same way that parks in New York City do, becoming a central hub for communities. In order to replicate the success of NYC, Las Vegas will be importing authentic NYC homeless people, pot-dealing university students, and used condoms.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
In political news, Italy's Parliament failed to elect a president in its first vote this week. "That's great news!" said everyone familiar with Italian politics.
Former Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf was arrested yesterday outside of Islamabad, Pakistan. So apparently they can arrest people.
Financial earnings for Google fell short of expectations this year, according to twelve links on my Facebook feed.
A juror in Oregon was jailed for texting during a trial. He was caught when the judge noticed a strange blue light on the juror's face when the courtroom lights were dimmed for a video presentation. In a related story, don't ever get put on trial for anything.
Twitter is launching a music app, so you can hear the same song replayed by 60 of your friends in one afternoon.
Probably a Justin Bieber song.
Due to hard economic times, Pope Francis is cutting the Vatican staff's bonuses this year. In a related story, they get bonuses at the Vatican!
A federal judge tossed out a lawsuit from Viacom against YouTube. The suit alleges that YouTube willfully exploits videos without compensating the people who made them. And that's something Viacom prefers to do.
Software students in Iceland developed an Android app to help users on the singles' scene to determine if potential mates were actually their cousins, which is a problem on the small island. They developed the program for Android because no one wants to sleep with people using a BlackBerry, iPhone users only want to have sex with themselves, and Windows Mobile users are already screwed.
And finally, iconic rocker Stevie Nicks said she thinks that actress Reese Witherspoon is 'too old' to portray Ms. Nicks. So, looks like Stevie is back on cocaine again.
That's all. Cheers!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012
Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.
Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.
An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.
In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.
Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.
In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."
In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.
And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.
And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - December 26, 2011
Happy Monday! It's the last one of the year. That doesn't really mean anything, I guess. Oh well. Hopefully you're not working today, or if you are you're getting paid extra. And if you are working, I hope you're not working very hard or very well. Unless you're a cop or a doctor or working in Chinese restaurant, in which case you should know how much your country depends upon you. Okay. SEGUE TO JOKES!
Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.
In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.
A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.
Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.
In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.
Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.
In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.
And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.
That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!
Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.
In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.
A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.
Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.
In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.
Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.
In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.
And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.
That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - November 14, 2011
Good morning, good Monday, and good to see you. I've got a great blog for you today, in theory. I'm actually writing this introduction before the jokes, so maybe all this lofty rhetoric will come to naught. Or maybe not. I'm excited to find out. Anyone else?
An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.
Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.
In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.
More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.
In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.
Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.
In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.
And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.
And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!
An email leaked from CBS news saying that due to Bachmann's 4% rating in GOP polls, the network would not be spending any time covering her performance at the debate this weekend. While this is bad news for Bachmann, she can still count on a bump from her feature profile in Crazy Eyes Digest.
Speaking of crazy eyes, comic book creator Frank Miller posted on his blog last week that the Occupy Wall Street protesters were nothing but "louts, thieves, and rapists." Upon hearing this, Mark Millar said "hey, that would make a great comic." Anybody? Okay.
In other adaptation news, 100,000 copies of the new Atlas Shrugged DVD went out with a mistake on the sleeve. The description of the film called it a tale of "courage and self-sacrifice," instead of "courage and self-interest." But the most unbelievable part of this is that someone actually thought they could sell 100,000 copies of this thing.
More errors to talk about now. Bill O'Reilly's new book about the Lincoln assassination has been banned from National Parks bookstores because a reviewer found over four pages of factual errors in the book. The most egregious error was O'Reilly's assertion that the plot was funded by Hillary Clinton.
In St. Augstine, Florida, a couple returned home to find that their dog had eaten en envelope with $1000 cash inside. What's really remarkable is that only $900 came out the other end, which is a better return on investment than your 401(K) had last year.
Actress Zoe Saldana just split up with her long-time fiance, which is great news for nerds who feel guilty about masturbating to women in committed relationships.
In Italy, economist and politician Mario Monti assumed the role of Prime Minister, and set about bringing together a new cabinet and coalition government. First order of business: close down the Department of Hookers.
And finally, Wal-Mart announced that it will begin it's "Black Friday" post-Thanksgiving sales at 10pm on Thanksgiving night, which is great news for families who are sick of talking to each other.
And that's all. Did it live up to the hype? I can't tell any more. Anyway, that's all for now. Bring it on back tomorrow for more. Till then, have a great day!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Good (insert time of day here) everybody! Well, looks like summer is here, unofficially of course. Granted, the equinox may not have happened yet, or the solstice, or whatever it is, but it's summer. Can we all agree on that? Yeah, facts and science are dumb. Let's trust our feelings. Did I mention that it's good I'm not a doctor? Any time you think that our educational system isn't working properly, you just remember that it worked well enough to steer me away from medicine. And into comedy. Sort of. Anyway...
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of steering, a woman in Saudi Arabia was recently jailed for driving. I assume she was driving dangerously and erratically. I mean, otherwise, what sense would there be in locking a woman up just for driving? Oh, that would be something, huh? What a crazy world that would be! Hmm. That's not a terribly funny joke. How about if I mentioned how she was using the rear view mirror to put lipstick on her burqa?
Speaking of insanity, Sarah Palin, who is totally not running for president right now you guys, said at a recent press event that she didn't owe the mainstream media anything. When asked if she was familiar with hubris, the former Governor replied, "oh sure, yeah, I've got lots of Jewish friends."
In Sweden, the Swedish King of Sweden, King Gustav XVI of Sweden, denied reports that photographs exist of him cavorting with naked women at a sex club. The King issued a statement in his defense, saying, "come on, I'm not British." In a related story, what's the point of being the King of Sweden if you can't get the ladies to come to you? Offer them the Nobel Prize for Booty Shaking or something, at least!
Alright, speaking of party chicks in Europe, "Snooki" crashed her car into an Italian cop car this weekend. Well done, Snooki. Authorities actually said alcohol was not a contributing factor for the crash, but they could not rule out the big part played by stupidity.
Back in America, Internet "hacktivists" attacked PBS over a story on Wikileaks. They broke into the PBS Twitter account (yes, there is one) and published a false story about Tupac Shakur living secretly in New Zealand. The hackers pulled the same prank on FOX News, but no one could tell the difference.
ZING!
Producers of the non-cancelled show Cougar Town are considering a title change, as they feel that Cougar Town does not fully reflect the breadth of the show. Top contender for the new name? MILF City.
Back in Europe, Germany announced that due to its dangerous and unpredictable nature, they will be abandoning nuclear power by 2022. They're still undecided on what to do about salad.
Lastly, you've probably heard about the new Google wallet app, which will make it easier to pay for things. I don't know if Google really understands that it isn't the inconvenience that's stopping people from buying things. It's usually poverty. No one walks up to a counter, reaches for their wallet and stops halfway, weakened from the exertion. Maybe I'm being a bit of a Luddite about this. But I do know if Google really wants people to use their wallet app, they'd best get working on a way to keep a condom in it.
THAT'S THE END! Best go back to pretending to work now. We'll be back tomorrow and Thursday, then Spencer and Earnest will see you though the weekend. It's going to be glorious. Alright, we'll do this again soon, alright? Till then, have a great day!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2011
Hey everybody! How was your weekend? Yeah, I hear that. Well, that's about as much banter as I can muster today. How about you read some jokes, and just imagine that I said something about my new boxers (yes, they're still amazing).
In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.
In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!
While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.
Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...
Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.
In international news, aka "who cares," one of the managers of the International Monetary Fund was pulled off a flight recently and arrested on charges of sexual assault. The man, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who sounds a lot like a James Bond villain, is also running for President of France. Maybe he thought he was running against Silvio Berlusconi.
In American presidential primary news, aka "the real one," Mike Huckabee said he will not be running for the Republican nomination for 2012, citing his need to spend his time and energy focusing on strengthening his personal relationship to his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He then announced a one-time-only special discount on copies of his diet book, his other book and his animated American history DVDs for a limited time only! ACT NOW!
While we're talking about this, we should mention that Donald Trump will likely not be running for the nomination, for pretty much the same reason as Huckabee. Except in stead of Jesus Christ, Trump will be concentrating his time and energy on his first love: the mirror.
Big news in the middle east, this week, too. In Abu Dhabi, the founder of the Blackwater "security" company recently landed a contract with the government to raise and maintain an 800-man private army of foreign fighters, loyal only to the government. So, that's good news for democracy.
In "beautiful on the outside" news, it turns out a contender for this year's Miss USA title had to drop out after authorities charged her with three counts of identity theft. That's too bad, as I was really looking forward to her talent demonstration on how to fix your credit scores.
Speaking of religion, the Vatican made an announcement this weekend, which is always good news for me. Specifically, the Vatican said that the question of whether to conduct Mass in Latin should be made by the parishes, but should not be a source of division among Catholics. Unfortunately, they said it in Latin, so no one understood it. Maybe if they said it in Welsh...
Elsewhere on the Italian peninsula, a public bus driver was arrested for speaking on two cell phones while driving the bus. This is unfortunate, but that's what you get when you cut costs by hiring 14 year-old girls to drive your buses. On the other hand, if it keeps them away from Silvio, then that's a risk worth taking.
Lastly, have you all seen the advertisements around the country claiming the world will end this Saturday? Well, it turns out they're all from one retired subway engineer who spent his entire life savings to pay for the apocalyptic ads. But if the world is ending this weekend, then I don't understand why he didn't just pay for it all with his credit card. I know a way to fix that sort of thing.
Okay, I have no more jokes for you today. How about you come back tomorrow and see what we've got? In the meantime, you can tell your friends and amaze them with your coolness. I'm sure that's exactly what will happen.
Till then, have a great day!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011
Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
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