Monday Morning Monologue - January 14, 2012

In political news, Congresswoman Michele Bachmann was appointed to the House Intelligence Committee. She will be heading up the special sub-committee on irony.

In economic news, consumer debt is increasing on car and student loans. "Great," said the over-educated guy sitting in his car with no job to drive to.

In making his cabinet appointments, President Obama reportedly asked Mitt Romney to send over his "binders full of women." Bill Clinton asks to be cc'd.

Colin Powell said that the GOP holds a "dark vein of intolerance." Strangely enough, that's what Strom Thurmond used to call the vein on his penis.

The New England Patriots are headed to another AFC championship game, in case you were running out of things to not care about.

A Chicago man was arrested and charged with spitting on a Secret Service agent. Unfortunately for him, only the gun lobby is allowed to openly spit on law enforcement.

Thousands of Russians came out to protest a recent anti-US adoption ban, which should serve as some indication as to how much Russians hate having babies around.

And finally, California's citrus harvest appears to have weathered a recent cold snap. No word on how it fared against the latest sick burn.

Later!

Thursday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2012

CEO of Waffle House, Joe W. Rogers, Jr., said that he's been blackmailed over an affair with his maid, and that he's a victim of his own stupidity. That also describes the typical Waffle House patron.

Lance Armstrong's cancer charity dropped his name yesterday, feeling that they'd get a more positive response with their new name: Nut Sacks.

In China, Xi Jingping was named the new leader of the Communist Party. Donald Trump is demanding to see his birth certificate.

In other political news, Mitt Romney said that President Obama won by giving "gifts" to voters. And by "gifts" he meant "tax returns."

Also, the GOP challenge to the vote count in Florida was callled off after Mitt Romney formally gave up on the state. Florida gave up on him long ago.

In the CIA/Petraeus affair, a CIA spokesman said there's no indication that sensitive information was leaked by Gen. Petraeus to Paula Broadwell during their affair because the agency had revoked Petraeus' penis' security clearance years ago.

Starbucks is buying tea retailer Teavana for $620million. That price may seem high, but you can reuse the stock like two or three times with fresh water.

And finally, Senate Republicans are threatening to filibuster if Susan Rice is nominated to the State Department. Seems like a solid plan, until she comes back in two years to run for Senate...

That's all, yolks.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 6, 2012

Hi all. Rather than normal jokes, I've culled a series of thoughtful bits of political discourse from my Twitter feed. Now go vote (Obama/Biden, that is).

I'm an undecided voter. Also, I'm not sure if this hole in the ground is my ass or not.

BTW, Romney cares more about his horse than he does about rising sea levels. And he doesn't care about that horse AT ALL.

That awkward moment when Mitt Romney realizes his campaign hats were made in China, but he could have gotten them cheaper from Indonesia.

Did you know the word "Tea" comes from an old Chinese character that roughly translates to "racist a-hole?"

Just think, if the GOP had been a little bit more unhinged, we might have been given the chance to not vote for Donald Trump.

I'll vote for whichever candidate pledges to use taxpayer money to fund the Ayn Rand Institute.

FYI: "The Walking Dead" wouldn't have been so bleak if Rick and company had single-payer healthcare.

I'd like to be a political speechwriter, because I think it would really help to calcify my crippling cynicism.

What if Nate Silver was the guest star on the most cruel episode of "Punk'd" in history?

Florida Gov. Rick Scott taking to the airwaves to "politely ask poor people to stay home tomorrow."

Is it true that bars can't serve alcohol tomorrow? Because that seems unnaturally cruel.

Thanks to Ohio voters, we can be sure that LeBron James will never be President.

This just in: if you think the Electoral College is a great idea, fuck you.

Which is more dangerous: skillful malevolence or incompetent goodness? Trick question. The answer is: Florida.

If you can't convince me to vote for your candidate/issue in 140 characters or less, you will never convince me. Also you must hate freedom.

Voter suppression has a great history in America. Remember the Founding Fathers? Yeah, they'd shit a brick if they knew you could vote.

Does the GOP think poor/minority voters won't appreciate how the GOP wants to help? Or just smart enough to see how they're getting boned?

John Husted just issued a decree that voting locations in Ohio will be enforcing "Opposite Day for Black People" tomorrow.

I want to know what kind of calculator Nate Silver uses. I bet it's a special TI-85, where all the buttons lean to the left.

Ignorance has its place in politics, for sure. Just like bribery.

Telling everyone to vote is like telling everyone they should be parents. Some people just aren't ready yet. Get informed first.

That's all. Cheers!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 23, 2012

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKES!

Actress Kelly Preston just turned 50 years old and said said of the milestone "I feel like I'm 25!" She then went on to say that she was a very tired, used-up 25.

Server problems took Reddit.com offline for hours yesterday, forcing thousands of users to express their endless hate in person.

Gynecologists now say that women can wait longer between Pap tests. Also, they're getting tired of looking at so many vaginas.

The Syrian government said yesterday that sanctions are hurting children in Syria. Also hurting children in Syria: the Syrian government.

Biologists reported that a male beluga whale was heard mimicked human speech in pitch and cadence. You know, like Mitt Romney does.

Also, the marine biologists who overheard the whale suspect it may have been mocking them. Because even a beluga whale could tell they sucked.

Kathie Lee Gifford recently dropped a puppy on the air when she realized the puppy was not full of wine.

Google reported that "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is more commonly searched than "Paul Ryan budget plan" because everyone knows that budget plans have terrible muscle definition.

And finally, an Atlanta paper company was charged with scheming to avoid taxes through bribes and falsifying records. Unfortunately for them, they were caught because they left a paper trail.

No more!

Monday Morning Monologue - October 22, 2012

Tonight is the third and final Presidential debate. What should you be on the lookout for?

* Flashmob of streakers, led by Vice President Joe Biden.
* Either candidate can win an extra fifty dollars if they manage to say the secret word.
* Bob Schieffer's surprisingly vice-like handshake with each candidate before hand, couple with the admonition that he's "not taking any Lehrer shit."
* Gov. Romney promised to hold off on any lies until after the President falls asleep.
* Neither candidate will be allowed to "Pass" a question, although they will be granted one "phone a friend."
* Neither candidate wants to be the first to suggest that they not talk about gun laws.
* All answers given in the final "Lightning Round" will be legally binding.

And that's it!

See you tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 16, 2012

Enjoy or don't. It's still gonna be here.

The former captain of the Costa Concordia showed up yesterday for his trial in an Italian court. It was a good day for him, though, because on his way to the court he only killed 12 people.

The Rolling Stones are going on tour for their 50th anniversary, because apparently even their IRAs have gone to hell.

ACLU accused Morgan Stanley of engaging in predatory lending practices. In a related story, they've also accused water of getting people wet.

Felix Baumgarter's free fall from outer space broke viewer records on YouTube, but probably because he sneakily titled the feed "Fat Guy Gets Pwned by Kittens."

North Koreans in China say that life has not improved for average people in North Korea, leading to speculation that Mitt Romney may try for a presidential run.

This year's Nobel Prizes have finally been awarded, so now you can finally find out who won your office Nobel Pool.

Doctors found recently that people who enjoy life tend to live longer than people who don't. So, good news to people who hate their lives. It'll be over soon.

And finally, White House party crasher Michaele Salahi just got engaged to be married. She will not be sending out invitations.

And that's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 10, 2012

Three... two... one... two... three. GO!

Following some recent campaign problems, Rep. Paul Ryan's people banned recording devices from all fundraising events. Because he's not saying anything crazy.

In a related story, recording devices have been banned from all public appearances by Vice President Joe Biden.

In another related story, someone just leaked a Paul Ryan sex tape, wherein he claims that 30% of the American people want sex without having to work for it.

Pringles is debuting new Pumpkin Pie Spice and White Chocolate Mint flavors as part of their "Stop Eating Pringles" campaign.

Romeo Beckham, son of David Beckham, was seen sporting a fake tattoo just like his dad's. When he grows up, he plans to get a fake wife, just like his dad's.

A judge in Pennsylvania sentenced Jerry Sandusky to 30 - 60 years in prison. The judge did say, however, that Sandusky could get out early, however, for good behavior. And by "good behavior," he meant "be dead."

Here's hoping, Jerry.

Government officials in North Korea claim they now have missiles that can reach the U.S., but only if they first defect at a friendly embassy and then formally apply for political asylum.

A 16 year-old cheerleader in America set a new backflip record this week. Mitt Romney has promised to smash it.

And finally, in California, oil producers hope that a new "winter blend" will help reduce prices gas prices. Really, though, they've just added pumpkin flavor.

Okay, that's it. See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - October 4, 2012

Fire the jokes!

Detroit Tigers' Third Baseman Miguel Cabrera succeeding in winning Baseball's first "triple crown" since 1967. The Tigers announced they will put him out to stud.

A huge marijuana field was found yesterday in south Chicago. It came to the attention of authorities when the owners applied for government farm subsidies.

Thanks a lot, Obama!

Speaking of Obama, he and Mitt Romney debated last night. Jim Lehrer is rumored to have attended.

At the debate, Romney said that he loved Big Bird, but would cut funding to PBS if elected. To clarify, he does *not* love oil, coal, or hedge funds.

The debate was the most tweeted event in U.S. political history, barely surpassing the famed Kitten/Puppy convention of 2009.

In a related story, undecided voters are unlikely to come to a decision on the election after watching last night's debate, mainly because it was not conducted with sock puppets.

Undecided voters in October are kinda dumb.

In Germany, a liquor company is selling bottles of booze that have been poured over the breasts of nude and lingerie models before bottling. IHOP is offering a similar deal with their syrups, except instead of lingerie models, they have a hairy dude named "Sal."

And finally, authorities in Michigan announced that Jimmy Hoffa's remains were not found in a Detroit driveway this week. Can you say the same thing for your home?

CAN YOU!?

Later.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 19, 2012

This week, Gov. Mitt Romney came under fire for some things he said in a video secretly recorded during a fundraising dinner in Florida back in May. In the video he said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims and won't ever take responsibility for their own lives. What else is on that video?

1. Romney began his speech by saying he "in no way" wants to be President of the United States.

2. He spent a significant amount of time attempting to prove how Scientology is quantifiably weirder than Mormonism.

3. At no fewer than four moments, used the phrase "But wait! There's more!"

4. Said that should he be elected President, he looks forward to working with Congress, except for Senator Tom Carper (D-DE). He knows why.

5. Promised to outlaw clowns.

6. Retroactively blamed the host's dog for an audible fart.

7. Reminded the audience several times that he does not believe a word he says.

8. Admitted he doesn't really care for the Olympic games.

There. You just saved yourself $50,000.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 18, 2012

Let's make jokes to deal with our feelings of frustration and helplessness at the modern problems we are beset by. Joy!

Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.

In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.

Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.

Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.

Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.

In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.

Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.

Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."

And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.

That's the end.

Monday Morning Monologue - September 17, 2012

Good morning, y'all.

In Greece, two video game makers were arrested on spying charges after taking photographs of military installations. They're now planning to turn the experience into a new game, "Extreme Waterboarding 3D."

In Zimbabwe, a Swiss tourist was fined for insulting President Mugabe. Jeffrey Ross has cancelled his tour.

In television news, Dr. Phil recently called Dina Lohan "phony" before also telling her she was balding, had a stupid moustache and her medical credentials were dubious at best.

The NHL lockout deadline passed this weekend with no deal, leaving at least a dozen fans distraught.

In England, the royal family is taking to the courts to try and stop the spread of topless photos of Kate Middleton because that's how the Internet works.

In China, anti-Japanese protests are spreading across the country. Damn, even their bigotry is more efficient than ours.

In better news, poverty level dropped slightly last month. Gov. Romney congratulated the newly not poor on finally earning their first million dollar paychecks.

And finally, the Boy Scouts of America came under fire this week when the Los Angeles Times reported the organization has helped hide the presence of child molesters in the organization since 1903. The first clue: the Help Hide A Pedophile merit badge.

We are at an end. Till tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 4, 2012

Welcome back! Hope you had an awesome day off. No banter today, unfortunately. Or fortunately, depending on how you see it.

Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius trashed a fellow competitor after losing the 200 meter race this weekend. He apologized, however, when he realized he'd put his foot in his mouth. Didn't have a leg to stand on? Really stepped in it? Anyway, it's a great reminder that Paralympians can be just as petty as everyone else.

A monster truck at a show in Oregon went out of control and into the stands this weekend, injuring three people who remarked on how real the 3D effects have become.

In the Ivory Coast, universities have reopened for the first time since post-election violence last year. Student government elections are being closely watched, just in case. Also, fraternity hazing seems really bland this year.

A delegate from California was ejected from the Democratic National Convention after passing out drunk in a hotel lobby. He told police later that he was a Congressman, but no one believed a Democratic Congressman would party that hard. Senator, maybe.

The former CEO of Wet Seal filed suit against the company, alleging racism in her dismissal, pointing out that she is the first CEO at the company who was not a seal.

On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, President Obama and the White House press corps toured New Orleans because the George W. Bush Presidential Library doesn't open until next year.

A casino in Minnesota cooked a one-ton cheeseburger this weekend. However, it had mayonnaise, even though they were supposed to use mustard, so the casino ended up having to throw the whole thing out.

Oh, and also, fuck America's hungry.

And finally, polls reveal that the Romney/Ryan campaign has received virtually no post-convention bump. However, the popularity of chairs is soaring.

Alrighty! Let's do this again tomorrow. Maybe with some new jokes.

Friday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2012

Big week! Little jokes.

At the Republican National Convention, John Sununu said that gay marriage is "too complicated" to discuss at the convention, leading me to believe John Sununu has no idea how sex works.

Fact checkers analyzed Paul Ryan's convention speech, finding it to be rife with lies and misleading information. So, he's ready for national politics.

Rep. Ryan also promised to create 12 million new jobs in the next four years, leading to to much rejoicing in Mumbai.

In his acceptance speech at the RNC last night, Mitt Romney promised he will increase the return on investment for his donors.

Hurricane Isaac is slowing as it leaves Louisiana, probably because of all the booze and fried food.

A federal appeals court struck down the new Texas voter ID law, much to the anger of Texas lawmakers who accused the the court of subverting the democratic process. And that's the job of the Texas legislature.

Volvo is cutting their production of new cars by ten percent. In a related story, Kohl's is reducing their production of boring beige sweater vests.

And finally, a recent medical study found that monkeys who live on a reduced calorie diet don't live any longer than other monkeys. It just feels that way.

Speaking of feeling that way, I feel like this blog is over. Hope you tolerated it!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012

What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.

At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.

In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.

In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.

Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.

A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.

United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.

News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.

And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."

Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.

Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012

Love it or leave it. Please love it!

Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.

Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?

Hey, remember Syria?

The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.

Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?

Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.

Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.

Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.

Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.

A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.

Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.

And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.

That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 8, 2012

Hi! Meteorologists report that this is so far the hottest summer on record for the northeast. It's probably because of my new haircut. Sorry, everyone.

Television viewers watching the Olympics in Usain Bolt's hometown in Jamaica panicked yesterday when the power went out just before Bolt's 100meter race. But, then they remembered that they weren't being forced to endure NBC's godawful commentary, and celebrations broke out.

According to a new study, neurologists found differences in the brain scans of hoarders. Seems that in certain parts of the brain that are usually empty, hoarders have a bunch of newspapers and old plates shoved in.

Gov. Romney is gaining on President Obama in the fundraising race. Remember, the first one to hit the "Buy it Now" price of the White House on eBay wins!

The NYPD has come under fire from women for pat downs by male officers that they claim have a "sexual overtone." Officers have been instructed to be more subtle when rubbing their semi-erect penises against suspect's bodies. And to quit patting themselves down in public.

That's a masturbation joke.

The company Kno is now offering high school textbooks on e-readers. And fortunately, you will still be able to draw pictures of wieners in the margins for the next user.

"Scientists" in a recent "study" found a person's eyes may indicate their sexual orientation, especially if the eyes won't stop looking at boobs or wangs.

Three dick jokes? Is this a record?

Organizers of a mosque in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, finally got a court order allowing them to continue building their mosque. Celebrations were tempered by the fact that they were still in Tennessee.

And finally, a Chevron oil refinery in California is currently burning. A representative from the company said they expect to have the fire contained just as soon as gas rises another $0.30 per gallon.

That's the end!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2012

Late edition! Still relevant, probably!

Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.

Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.

Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.

Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.

Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.

Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.

General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.

And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.

That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 12, 2012

Let's make this quick. No promises for funny.

Canada ended the practice of granting work visas to exotic dancers coming to the country from overseas. So, just like your immune system, they're freaking out over foreign bodies.

Actress Sophia Vergara got engaged this week. At the wedding, she will be given away by her cleavage.

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney said this week that he didn't know where his offshore investments were. Great, not only is he avoiding taxes, but he sucks at geography, too.

Speaking of Romney, he was booed yesterday by an audience at the NAACP. Thankfully for Romney, he was unfazed by the response as he is genetically incapable of hearing what black people say.

Attorney General Eric Holder said this week that new voter ID laws amount to a "poll tax." GOP lawmakers said it's not a tax, because it doesn't impact the wealthiest 1% of Americans.

Tour de France cyclist Remy di Gregorio faces doping charges, and will be subjected to a medical exam just as soon as organizers are able to catch him. Because he's going so fast.

And finally, Saudi Arabia is sending two female athletes to the London Olympics this summer, but only on the condition that they not be allowed to drive there.

Remember what I said about not promising funny? Yeah, there you go.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 13, 2012

Hey, how's it going? Didja miss me? Well, now I'm back, and thanks for waiting. Let's have some jokes.

In baseball news, Alex Rodriguez hit his 23rd grand slam, tying the record held by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. A-Rod is currently also the all-time record-holder for STDs.

In news from Broadway, Cybil Shepherd, John Stamos and Kristin Davis are stepping in as the new principle cast in Gore Vidal's The Best Man, or as it will be now known, The Second-Best Man.

U.N. observers in Syria now say the country is in a civil war. Oh, sorry, wait, this is from a year ago. What's that? Yesterday? Awkward...

Fast food purveyors Burger King have announced a new bacon sundae for this summer. It's the central item on their new "You're Gonna Puke Menu."

Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy Corgan let loose on Radiohead this week, saying he would "piss" on the British rockers. He then went on to release a full album on time that was praised by fans and critics for its timely, evolved sound. Just kidding!

How about JPOP? Japanese girl-group AKB48 is rising in popularity, in part because of its reliance on fan voting to determine the band's ever-changing lineup. In a related story, Mitt Romney was recently seen wearing a Sailor Moon outfit.

Executives from ABC are urging a federal judge to quit blocking the premier of a new reality show this summer. Wait, judges can do that? I gotta go file some lawsuits.

And finally, musicianbag John Mayer said recently that he was upset Taylor Swift over her tell-off song "Dear John," which he assumes is about him. Swift clarified that the song isn't about him, but her B-side "Dear Douchebag, Here are the Reasons You Suck" may be about him. In a related story, the rest of us are upset with John Mayer over every crappy song he has ever recorded.

That's all! Thanks, everyone!

Thursday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2012

Snap into a topical joke blog! Ooh, yeah! That's one spicy humor blog! I'm not good at advertising, or banter this week. But then again... jokes!

Barbara Walters apologized this week for helping an aide to Syria's Monster-in-Chief, Bashar Assad, who was trying to get a job in America. But then again, she said the same thing about Debbie Matenopoulos. 

Yesterday, the Olympic flame entered Dublin, Ireland. Several hours later, it slowly stumbled out, looking for eggs and hash.

Restaurant chain Taco Bell is trying to combat its image as a cheap, late-night fast food spot. So, they're introducing upscale items to the menu, hoping to give customers a classier diarrhea experience.

Actor and life-coach Charlie Sheen told Rolling Stone in an interview this week that he "was in total denial" in his life until recently, but has finally come to his senses. And by that, he means he finally admits that Two and a Half Men was a terrible show. Oh, and probably something about not doing cocaine, I would guess.

Mitt Romney's personal email may have been hacked. Friends and family became suspicious when they started receiving emails from the former Governor that were logically coherent and full of factually correct information.

Hey, music fans! Ziggy Stardust just turned 40 years old! But that's only 21 in Martian Spider years.

Technology news now! A hacker claimed yesterday to have stolen 6.5 million passwords from the LinkedIn social networking site. Industry experts doubt the claim, though, as clearly there have never been 6.5 million LinkedIn users.

And finally, in other tech news, Ironfire Capital founder Eric Jackson said yesterday that Facebook will disappear in a few years. He's also very optimistic about his genital herpes clearing up any time now.

</ha ha ha> until tomorrow!