Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 13, 2012

Hey, how's it going? Didja miss me? Well, now I'm back, and thanks for waiting. Let's have some jokes.

In baseball news, Alex Rodriguez hit his 23rd grand slam, tying the record held by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. A-Rod is currently also the all-time record-holder for STDs.

In news from Broadway, Cybil Shepherd, John Stamos and Kristin Davis are stepping in as the new principle cast in Gore Vidal's The Best Man, or as it will be now known, The Second-Best Man.

U.N. observers in Syria now say the country is in a civil war. Oh, sorry, wait, this is from a year ago. What's that? Yesterday? Awkward...

Fast food purveyors Burger King have announced a new bacon sundae for this summer. It's the central item on their new "You're Gonna Puke Menu."

Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy Corgan let loose on Radiohead this week, saying he would "piss" on the British rockers. He then went on to release a full album on time that was praised by fans and critics for its timely, evolved sound. Just kidding!

How about JPOP? Japanese girl-group AKB48 is rising in popularity, in part because of its reliance on fan voting to determine the band's ever-changing lineup. In a related story, Mitt Romney was recently seen wearing a Sailor Moon outfit.

Executives from ABC are urging a federal judge to quit blocking the premier of a new reality show this summer. Wait, judges can do that? I gotta go file some lawsuits.

And finally, musicianbag John Mayer said recently that he was upset Taylor Swift over her tell-off song "Dear John," which he assumes is about him. Swift clarified that the song isn't about him, but her B-side "Dear Douchebag, Here are the Reasons You Suck" may be about him. In a related story, the rest of us are upset with John Mayer over every crappy song he has ever recorded.

That's all! Thanks, everyone!

Thursday Morning Monologue - August 25, 2001

One word: jokes.

Authorities in Arizona have charged two campers with sparking massive wildfires that ravaged the state this summer. The state has also preemptively declared them "Mexican."

Bad news today for crappy movies as a proposed "Ouija" movie was cancelled in a clear indication that sometimes God does listen to prayers.

In Kentucky, a jury threw out a lawsuit against a doctor who performed an emergency penis amputation on a patient who went in for a circumcision. When asked for reaction, the plaintiff said, "wow, this is a real kick in the stump."

Speaking of Dicks, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that his upcoming book will have "heads exploding" in Washington, DC. I really hope that's a metaphor.

Beer maker Heineken saw a steep sales slump this quarter. The leadership is so freaked out by the horrible sales, they even briefly considered making a beer that tasted good.

Paris Hilton's new reality show was cancelled, in yet another clear sign that God is listening to my prayers.

Following the east coast earthquake on Tuesday, many Californians took to social media networks to mock the reaction of east coast residents. Meanwhile, Los Angeles shut down after someone thought they felt rain falling on their arms.

And finally, this week a penguin visiting the set of Fox and Friends peed on Brian Kilmeade's shoe in another clear indication that COME ON, THIS IS GETTING FREAKY!

Okay, that's the end. Spencer is here tomorrow, and my new deodorant held up just fine, thank you very much. See you soon!

Till then, have a great week!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011

You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?

It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?

Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.

In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!

Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.

A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.

The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.

Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.

Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.

Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?

Till then, have a great day!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 8, 2011

Seriously, I'm done with banter. I won't even mention the new socks I got today. I won't talk about how they're both black and gray, nor will I mention the padding, stitching or elasticity. I also won't tweet any images of myself wearing the socks. Because that's been done to death. Okay, well, now is the time for jokes. Oh yeah, happy Wednesday.

Okay, nerds. Here's one for you. Sony is releasing 3D glasses for the Playstation 3. So now you can watch your identity get stolen in three dimensions!

So, the famous wrapper---excuse me, rapper---Eminem just released a new song where he slams Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga. The song is called "Hey, Remember Me? Eminem? Hey Guys!"

In other irrelevant news, President Obama's economic advisor Austan Goolsby is leaving the White House to take a teaching poisiton at the University of Chicago. He's looking forward to meeting the leaders of tomorrow, and giving them terrible economic advice. Fish gotta swim, right?

Speaking of fishy stories, television person Ann Curry will be taking over Meredith Viera on the Today show, proving once again that you don't have to be any good to succeed in life if you can just stick around long enough for everyone else to leave. Are you paying attention, kids?

In Zimbabwe, a homicide detective has been jailed for using Mugabe's toilet and faces a prison term of up to ten years for using the President's toilet. Well done, Zimbabwe! You're making great use of democracy.

Speaking of misusing your freedom, a university in Kyoto now offers students a Ph.D. in Manga, the popular Japanese comic book style. Even I think that's dorky, and I was once in a Renaissance Fair.

Pretend you don't know that.

Anyway, Kelly Bensimon, best known for her participation in Bravo's Real Housewives of New York City, recently posed for Playboy. The hardest part of the whole photo shoot was when the editors had to airbrush in some dignity. BOOM! Take THAT, person I've never met who is on a show I've never watched.

And lastly, a young woman in Florida was arrested yesterday for driving topless and drunk with a bag of marijuana sticking out of her purse. She was charged with one count of being nine months early for Spring Break.

Okay, that's the end of that. Come back tomorrow, okay? And tell your friends! Oh, and remember to use sunblock and have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.

Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.

How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...

In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"

Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.

Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.

Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.

Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.

And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.

Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.

Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011

Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!

South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?

Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.

Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.

Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.

NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?

In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...

The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?

Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.

That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.

Have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 10, 2011

Happy Thursday! We've got a great blog for you this morning. Let's get started.

In legal news, Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed a law Wednesday banning the death penalty in the state. In his signing statement, Quinn said "look, I know that I'm the Governor of Illinois, so chances are good I'm gonna end up in prison at some point. This way, I figure I'll be pretty popular when I get there. Now, who wants to bribe me?"

The Toyota Motor Company announced this week a new goal of selling 10 million vehicles each year. Also part of the goal: recalling fewer than 10 million vehicles per year. Dream big, Toyota.

Food safety inspectors in the UK ruled that ice cream made from human breast milk is safe for consumption. Also deemed edible by the UK: sausage made from coagulated blood and jelly made from eels.

In a story slightly less stomach-turning, Gwyneth Paltrow is finalizing a record deal, which is good news for people who were getting tired of just hating her in movies and television. Oh, and she had a cook book, right? Yeah, that probably irritated some people, too.

Speaking of irritating, MTV's Real World is about to begin its 25th season, proving that television really is a meritocracy.

In other non-music television news, Michaele Salahi, the insane woman who became famous by sneaking into a White House party, was recently kicked out of VH1's Celebrity Rehab for not actually having an addiction. Well done, VH1 "doctors." Anyone who lies her way onto Celebrity Rehab is clearly the picture of mental health and in no way in need of a psychiatric intervention. In a related story, Michaele just moved in with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

In California, police have stepped up efforts to close down unlicensed medical marijuana shops. This is bad news for ferret-owners.

And finally, Julie Taymor was fired this week from the troubled Broadway musical Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. When asked what she would have done differently, knowing what she does now, she said "first, I wouldn't have let Bono pick that stupid-ass name, as it obviously cursed us. I believe in a just and loving God, and there's clearly no place in His world for a successful musical with a name that stupid. Good luck fixing that fuster-cluck, you Disney ass-clowns!" She then added, "anybody need a musical directed? Anybody? Crap."

That's it for me this week, but come back tomorrow and Sunday for hilarity from Spencer and Earnest, respectively.

Now, this is the spot where I normally ask you to repost this or email it, or whatever, but today, I'd rather you visit one (or more) of these sites:

http://www.recallscottwalker.com/

http://www.change.org/petitions/recall-scott-walker#?opt_new=t&opt_fb=t

http://scottwalkerwatch.com/?page_id=91

http://www.recallscottwalker.info/#axzz1GAEwkhp5

http://www.defendingwisconsin.org/

and show your support for the effort to remove Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker from office, because he is a total douche bag, and in 299 days the good people of Wisconsin can recall his sorry ass. Add your voice to the chorus and let Wisconsin know we've got their back.

That's all for now! See you next time!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 6, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.