Happy Monday! It's the last one of the year. That doesn't really mean anything, I guess. Oh well. Hopefully you're not working today, or if you are you're getting paid extra. And if you are working, I hope you're not working very hard or very well. Unless you're a cop or a doctor or working in Chinese restaurant, in which case you should know how much your country depends upon you. Okay. SEGUE TO JOKES!
Newt Gingrich is losing ground in Iowa ahead of the all-important Iowa caucus next month, with many voters saying that Gingrich is too arrogant for their taste. When asked by reporters for comment, Gingrich responded that this was an expected setback, due to the inherent stupidity of Iowa voters. He then tried to sell them all a copy of his book.
In other election news, the state of Texas has been paying for Gov. Perry's security detail during his presidential campaign. Texas voters are upset at the cost, but any sacrifice is worth it if gets him the hell out of Texas.
A recently published medical study argues that Ludwig Beethoven's hearing loss changed how he wrote music later in his life. The study was released in last month's edition of No Shit magazine.
Congratulations to Jordan Romero, who is now the youngest person in history to climb the highest mountains on all seven continents. Too bad everything is downhill from here. Literally and metaphorically.
In an attempt to close budget shortfalls, the Italian government is trying to increase the social stigma tied to tax evasion. Good luck, Italy. Your last Prime Minister is on trial for allegedly banging an underage hooker while in office, and he's almost beaten it. But I'm sure the tax dodger is really going to be the social pariah this year.
Speaking of pariah's, Donald Trump left the GOP this weekend. But don't worry, he's already found a younger, prettier political party to have sex with.
In China, a wealthy couple came under fire this month for having eight children, which is way more than one, which is the number Chinese couples are supposed to stop at. In their defense, though, many of the couple's children are girls, which don't count.
And finally, in a pre-Christmas miracle this weekend, a 21-year old college student in Arizona came out of a coma moments before doctors were scheduled to begin removing his organs for donation to other patients. Look for the video on an upcoming episode of Punk'd.
That's all for today. More later. Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label iowa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label iowa. Show all posts
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - August 15, 2011
Welcome back, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend. I was rained on *and* managed to get some sunburn. That's effective time management, right? Speaking of effective time management, I've managed to write these timely jokes for you. Effective... now!
Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!
Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.
Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.
In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?
In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.
In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"
In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."
An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.
And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!
Big news if you're Nepalese this weekend as Jhalnath Khana, Nepal's Prime Minister, resigned his post. The Nepalese leader said he just needs some time to find himself, and plans to spend a year backpacking through Ohio. SWITCH-UP!
Okay, back to America and what really matters: children. A study came out recently that linked diminished learning ability to a lack of daily recess time. No, the study was not conducted by Mrs. Lopez's third grade class. Yeah, apparently kids can't learn as well without recess. Or books, or after school tutoring, or adequate lunches, or school supplies, or you get the idea.
Remember British Petroleum? They said recently that the company "cannot find skilled workers" which is great news for people who love oil spills. Wait, BP can't find skilled workers? Oh, that's probably due to people not wanting to be blown up on oil rigs. Right, that's a tough sell.
In television news, a group of witches is protesting the portrayal of witches on the popular HBO program True Blood. It seems that real witches aren't nearly as slutty as the characters on True Blood. But then again, who is?
In a related story, absolutely no bitches have been protesting the unflattering portrayal of their kind in The Hills.
In political news, Representative Michele Bachmann won the GOP's Iowa straw poll this weekend, placing her in the lead among the GOP presidential contenders. In response, President Obama said "and I thought I got all my birthday gifts last week. Thanks, Iowa!"
In a related story, former Minnesotta Governor Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race, saying that it's clear he's just not nearly batshit crazy enough this year to connect with GOP voters. An obviously disappointed Pawlenty said "who knows, maybe I'll be back next time, with a malignant brain tumor that drives me absolutely nuts. That'd be sweet."
An lastly, amid this week's insane-o stock market ups and downs, sales of gold continue to rise on eBay. Other items gaining in popularity: cans of gasoline, crossbows and leather chaps with full bondage riding outfits. Gimps sold separately.
And that's all he wrote. He being me. But he will write more for tomorrow. So enjoy today. In fact, have a great day!
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