In California a Taco Bell employee posted a photo to Facebook that showed him apparently licking a stack of taco shells in the restaurant's kitchen. Absolutely disgusting. Does he have any idea what kind of bacteria live on those things?
In an unrelated story, scientists are suggesting that for humanity to survive in the future, we're going to have to start eating insects for our protein. So, Taco Bell is ready.
At Sotheby's auction house, a rare book of Psalms printed in 1640 is expected to bring over $15 million at auction. "Great news," said a guy who is unfamiliar with what Psalms actually say.
Yahoo! announced their search results page is getting a visual makeover. And it now redirects to Google.com
Responding to a dare, a team of Honda engineers have created a lawn mower that can cut grass at speeds of up to 130 miles per hour. It wasn't intended to go that fast, but since it's a Honda, the accelerator kept getting stuck. It's part of Honda's new "Machines of Death" line.
Brazil's Department of Health has discontinued an online ad campaign called "I'm a Happy Prostitute," meant to shed light on health issues related to prostitution, which is legal in Brazil. It has been replaced with "I'm A Miserable Office Worker."
In Arizona, people are up in arms over a 9 foot gargoyle sculpture that prominently features a very visible phallus. Even worse: the gargoyle came from Mexico and stole a job from a hardworking American gargoyle.
Sheriff Arpaio has already arrested the statue and violated its civil rights.
A recent study found that a majority of patients do not access an online video meant to help them prepare for a colonoscopy. Most likely, because it is a video about colonoscopies.
First Lady Michelle Obama shut down a heckler at a speaking engagement this week. When heckled, she responded "hey, I don't come down to where you work and hassle you, buddy. Probably because you don't have a job, since the economy is so weak." It's funnier when she says it.
In Florida, an 84-year old woman won a $370 million Powerball jackpot. "Great," the woman said, "now I can finally afford to retire someplace better than Florida!"
And finally, in Minneapolis, a high school cheerleader was arrested for pimping out a younger student. Administrators at the school became suspicious when they saw what the young woman was doing with the school's spirit stick.
Showing posts with label michelle obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label michelle obama. Show all posts
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 16, 2012
Find your inner happy place, and go there now. Wait, no, stick around and read these jokes. Then tell your friends!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Former Newscorp executive Rebekah Brooks was indicted this week on charges related to her role in the News of the World phone hacking scandal. She stands accused of "perverting the course of justice," which means prosecutors have been reading her old paper.
In America, President Obama went on The View yesterday, and said that his wife Michelle was "relentless." Good, so maybe she can get us single payer healthcare.
In military news, Gen. John Allen, the top officer in Afghanistan, is leaving his post and returning home. At least someone gets to.
Sir Paul McCartney saved a drowning man, although witnesses to the feat said he was much better at saving people with John Lennon.
One half of all Americans think Facebook is a fad, according to a study from the last guy on Friendster.
JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon survived a shareholder attempt to strip him of his position, less than one week after he was found to have lost $2 billion of the company's money. Said Dimon, "I'M INVINCIBLE! BRING ON THE MORTGAGE-BACKED SECURITIES! I CAN'T LOSE!" And everything was fine.
Accused steroid-pusher Brian McNamee said that he saved steroid waste from injections he gave to Roger Clemens because his wife told him to. So now he's gonna have to hear about that for the rest of his life.
And finally, a man shopping in the garden section of an American Wal-Mart was bit by a rattlesnake. The surprised man survived, saying "I had no idea they even made rattlesnakes in China."
Okay, that's that. See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 20, 2011
Let's see what's on the blog today.
In Michigan, a 12 year old girl held up a grocery store with a stolen gun recently. In her defense, the store did drive her lemonade stand out of business.
In Arizona, unlikely Governor Jan Brewer vetoed two pieces of legislation that allowed guns on college campuses and required presidential candidates to produce birth certificates before being allowed on the ballot in Arizona. The only question I have is this: who is blackmailing Jan Brewer?
In New York, the less-than-great Mets are having a hard time enticing people to come to their games. A recent failed promotion: Free Tickets Night. There was initial excitement, though, until it became clear that the tickets were, in fact, for the Mets.
In other sports news, a man fell five stories while watching the Boston Marathon in an accident that clearly has nothing to do with alcohol. The young man survived with serious injuries but remained conscious. As runners passed his ambulance, he was heard to yell, "who's hardcore now?!"
Speaking of loudmouths, Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, recently compared working with Bill Gates to "being in Hell." Apparently Paul Allen thinks that Hell is really nerdy and overly-concerned with malaria.
In Finland, the Finnish Nationalist Party made significant gains in a recent election, leading to speculation in America that Finland might actually be a nation.
In a signal that the economy is "totally recovering," gold reached $1,500 per ounce for the first time ever, which is great news for pirates and terrible news for Flava Flav, who is now being hunted by pirates. He should invest in a laser gun.
And lastly, a plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama was forced to abort it's planned landing yesterday when it flew too close to an Army C-130 transport plane bound for the same airport. After learning that the cause of the near miss was air traffic controller error, President Obama said "fine, I get it. We'll give you guys nap time. Now please don't kill my family."
That's all for now. Hope you liked it, told your friends, blah blah blah. Have a great day no matter what time of day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
In Michigan, a 12 year old girl held up a grocery store with a stolen gun recently. In her defense, the store did drive her lemonade stand out of business.
In Arizona, unlikely Governor Jan Brewer vetoed two pieces of legislation that allowed guns on college campuses and required presidential candidates to produce birth certificates before being allowed on the ballot in Arizona. The only question I have is this: who is blackmailing Jan Brewer?
In New York, the less-than-great Mets are having a hard time enticing people to come to their games. A recent failed promotion: Free Tickets Night. There was initial excitement, though, until it became clear that the tickets were, in fact, for the Mets.
In other sports news, a man fell five stories while watching the Boston Marathon in an accident that clearly has nothing to do with alcohol. The young man survived with serious injuries but remained conscious. As runners passed his ambulance, he was heard to yell, "who's hardcore now?!"
Speaking of loudmouths, Paul Allen, co-founder of Microsoft, recently compared working with Bill Gates to "being in Hell." Apparently Paul Allen thinks that Hell is really nerdy and overly-concerned with malaria.
In Finland, the Finnish Nationalist Party made significant gains in a recent election, leading to speculation in America that Finland might actually be a nation.
In a signal that the economy is "totally recovering," gold reached $1,500 per ounce for the first time ever, which is great news for pirates and terrible news for Flava Flav, who is now being hunted by pirates. He should invest in a laser gun.
And lastly, a plane carrying First Lady Michelle Obama was forced to abort it's planned landing yesterday when it flew too close to an Army C-130 transport plane bound for the same airport. After learning that the cause of the near miss was air traffic controller error, President Obama said "fine, I get it. We'll give you guys nap time. Now please don't kill my family."
That's all for now. Hope you liked it, told your friends, blah blah blah. Have a great day no matter what time of day, and we'll see you again tomorrow!
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 29, 2011
Welcome back, everybody! What's more fun than a blog full of jokes? Nothin', that's what! Enjoy!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
South Korea recently sent 37 defectors back to North Korea, in what sounds like the penalty phase for the world's most brutal reality show. Get kicked off American Idol, you go on Regis and Kelly the next day. Get kicked off South Korean Idol, and things get decidedly worse. Are you paying attention, Hollywood?
Speaking of things ignored by Hollywood, the Junos, Canada's version of the Grammies, were held this weekend. To no one's surprise, Canuck music commune The Arcade Fire won, taking home four awards including Album of the Year. Better luck next time, Loverboy. Really, though, The Arcade Fire winning at the Juno's is about as surprising as Tyler Perry sweeping the NAACP Image Awards. Which he did.
Lindsay Lohan is planning to drop her last name. Apparently she thinks that if she's just "Linday," the cops won't be able to find her.
Facebook may be hiring former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as part of their overall strategy to help stymie the flow of information from the company.
NASA abandoned plans to add a 3-D camera to a new Mars rover. Instead, they'll shoot in 2-D and convert it to 3-D later. It worked for Alice in Wonderland, right?
In other dimensional news, radio personality Rush Limbaugh has begun disparaging the First Lady's figure, because apparently Mr. Limbaugh has never seen a mirror. Although his tits are probably bigger than hers...
The U.S. State Department has preemptively apologized for the upcoming visit of Jersey Shore cast members to Italy. Many Italians are concerned that the program, and it's cast, perpetuate negative stereotypes against the Italian people. But then again, they voted for Berlusconi, so what the hell do they know?
Lastly, Donald Trump recently produced a birth certificate proving that he was born in Queens, New York. No documentation was available regarding the origin of his hair.
That's it for today! Remember, these were free. If you did like them, tell your friends! Spread the word far and wide! We'll be back tomorrow, hope to see you then.
Have a great day!
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