Happy belated Mothers' Day! And also, happy belated Mother's Day! Whichever spelling you prefer. Now, enjoy these jokes!
Yahoo! CEO Scott Thompson is stepping down after only four months on the job, making his transition the fasted that Yahoo! has ever been able to update anything.
"Hey, it's national Bike To Work Week!" says the sweaty guy in your office.
This weekend, Mitt Romney gave the commencement speech at Pat Robertson's Liberty University in his latest effort win the votes of bigots. Go get 'em, Mitt!
Romney also came under fire last week for alleged bullying he did of a gay student in high school. Romney countered that it's not reasonable to judge him for what he did as a child, unless of course he had been a young black male.
The Oklahoma Republican Party convention descended into violence this week as Ron Paul supporters clashed with Romney's. It got so bad that eventually both sides had to call the police to break it up, which was awkward considering that both sides wanted to cut public employees' salaries.
A janitor at Columbia University just graduated from the university with a bachelor's degree in classics. He's decided to keep his job, though, which makes him the most successful classics graduate in recent memory.
In technology news, Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin renounced his American citizenship so as to avoid U.S. taxes on the impending Facebook IPO because he's a piece of shit.
And finally, Japan powered down all of its nuclear power plants this month after the Fukushima disaster. Consequently, the government is expecting an increase in power shortages but a sharp decrease in Kaiju-related monster rampages. It's all about trade-offs.
That's all! Come by tomorrow for more biased jokes about stuff that's happening now. Bye!
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2012
Goodness, it's already Wednesday! Well done, everyone. We'll get through this together. And we'll get through this blog post, by gum. This message was brought to you by gum. BUY GUM! I think I need more sleep.
In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.
A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.
A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.
In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.
Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.
A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.
Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.
And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.
Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!
In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.
A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.
A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.
In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.
Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.
A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.
Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.
And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.
Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012
Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.
Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.
Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!
Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.
Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.
He sucks.
Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.
The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.
And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.
That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 21, 2011
You ever have one of those days that turns out to be a Thursday? I think this is going to be one of those. Now, for jokes.
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
President Obama is scheduled to tour Facebook headquarters soon. An excited Mark Zuckerberg said "I hope he likes it!" Whatever, they're not all great.
The cast of Happy Days sued CBS over DVD royalties recently, and CBS quickly caved to their demands after CBS President Les Moonves lost a dance-off to Henry Winkler. The Fonz is still king!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin responded to reports of a decline in the country's birthrate with his own plan to boost Russian fertility... one lucky lady at a time.
Speaking of lucky ladies, Sila Sahin, a Turkish-German actress, became the first Turkish woman to pose for German Playboy this month. Hopefully her pictorial will bring Germans and Turks together through masturbation.
The U.S. Treasury Department could begin selling off General Motors stock this summer. Why? To make room for the next model year's bailout! Everything must go!
In Florida, an unemployment agency spent more than $14,000 on red superhero capes for the unemployed. Upon learning it was part of a public relations campaign, one disappointed participant said "aw, man, I thought they were getting me a job as a bull fighter. I've always wanted to do that. Oh well, guess it's back to quiet desperation and an endless cycle of hopelessness for me!"
This week a report came out that a Delta Airlines plane was grounded for having rodent droppings "too numerous to count," as well as a significant presence of rodent urine. The report outraged Delta President Ed Bastian, who exclaimed "these rats have been flying for FREE?! I won't stand for it!" He then proposed the airline start selling Rodent-Free Upgrades to travelers this summer.
Lastly, Tyler Perry told Spike Lee to "go straight to Hell" this week, and inadvertently gave away the plot for the next Madea movie.
That's all for me! Spencer's back tomorrow (I think?) and Earnest is here Sunday for all your comedy needs. Follow them @spinlenox and @earnestp on Twitter if you like that sort of thing, and if you're in Hoboken tomorrow, come see my show at Clam Broth House at 9pm. Just like the blog, it's free!
Have a great day, all day, and we'll see you soon!
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