Following his recent sexting scandal, Anthony Weiner has fallen to fourth place in the New York mayoral race, just ahead of Bill Clinton's penis.
On the subject of gay clergy, Pope Francis said "who am I to judge?" So, he didn't read the job description.
A new study links monogamy to increased IQ scores for men, according to the latest issue of the New England Journal of Nagging. Am I right?
Fast food industry workers are going on strike for a living wage. Best of luck to them, and we hope the nation can adjust to a day without diarrhea.
Scientists have succeeded in growing new, replacement teeth from human urine. So, you'll want to brush those teeth before you use them.
Archaeologists discovered that ancient Inca priests would use drugs to make children more docile when sacrificing them in religious rights. This just in: Roman Polanski is an Inca.
Tropical Depression Flossie is weakening after reaching Hawaii, leading to speculation that it had some poi.
And finally, the American Academy of Pediatrics found that candy is the number one cause of choking in children. And "a chance at the post-season" is still the number one cause of choking for the Chicago Cubs.
Ta-ta for now!
Showing posts with label hawaii. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hawaii. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Monday, July 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2011
Oh my, it's Tuesday. Remember, no matter how hard you work or how great you are, it's going to be Tuesday all day long. So, just relax. And enjoy these jokes.
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Presidential candidate Herman Cain said on Sunday that Americans should be allowed to ban Mosques from being built in their communities if they choose to. That's how democracy works, right? He said that the First Amendment guarantees that right. Hmm. He seems to have lost all memory of the civil rights movement as well as the ability to interpret the First Amendment properly. How is it he's not on the Supreme Court?
Speaking of legal stuff, the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, is back in the news, kind of. Her songwriting partner is suing their publishing company to recover payments from the company for songs the duo penned together. At the heart of the matter? "R-O-Y-A-L-T-Y. That they never paid this guy." Okay, that's a crap joke. You're absolutely right not to laugh at that. I just hope I still have your... what's the word? Oh, right! Esteem! Whew, that was close.
I'm sorry.
In Milan this week, Silvio Berlusconi's trial for sex-crimes is proceeding while Berlusconi continues to serve out the remainder of his term as Prime Minister. How ridiculous! What kind of country let's their chief executive stay in power while on trial for seedy, disgusting... oh, wait a minute. Never mind.
In Hawaii, a yearly Ukelele festival just got underway in Honolulu with participants coming from all over the world to share their love for tiny, high-pitched acoustic guitars. Meanwhile, no one seems to give a damn about my new festival: Recorder-ella. Give it time.
A recent poll revealed that the MTV trainwreck show The Jersey Shore has in fact not harmed the public's perception of New Jersey. I'm not sure New Jersey should be happy about that...
And some sports news coming out of the Women's World Cup this week, as FIFA revealed that five North Korean players tested positive for anabolic steroids. They did not, it turns out, test positive for having eaten food. Because North Korea doesn't have any. Oh, that's sad.
I'm sorry.
Work is under way in San Rafael, California, on a $650,000 trail being built around the home of Metallica singer James Hetfield. Lars Ulrich announced he will sue anyone who uses the trail without authorization. Yeah, that's a Napster joke.
And finally, in Sweden a man was charged with rape after his semen was discovered at a crime scene by a specially-trained sperm-sniffing dog. So, the next time you think you job sucks, just remember: you're not rubbing a German Shepherd's snout in a bunch of semen all day. Oh, and I won't be making another President Clinton reference here. Nope. Not at all.
Yep. That's how we'll end Tuesday. Hope you enjoyed it, and hope you come back tomorrow. There will probably be significantly less bodily fluid references. Maybe.
Alright, see you tomorrow! Have a great day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)