Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 1, 2012

Late edition! Still relevant, probably!

Marine biologists reported that a dolphin society, once divided into two groups, is now reunited. Scientists attribute this to a lack of Internet usage among dolphins.

Senate Leader Harry Reid said yesterday that Gov. Mitt Romney hasn't paid taxes in ten years. He offered no proof for the statement, other than saying an unnamed former investor with Bain Capital called and told him. He went on to say that Gov. Romney also has cooties, but declined to provide a source.

Speaking of Harry Reid, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) apologized for calling Senate Leader Harry Reid "incompetent," explaining that he meant to call him "incontinent." Sorry, that's a crap joke.

Speaking of crap jokes, doctors confirm that cases of Whooping Cough are increasing among children, and vaccines are no longer fully effective against newer strains. Whoopi Goldberg has been cleared of any responsibility.

Yesterday, Yahoo! put out a message confirming that their email and messenger service was down, because otherwise you would have never known.

Italian Prime Minister Mario Monti said he sees "a light at the end of the tunnel" for the eurozone debt crisis. This is actually terrible news, as it most likely means that Italy's Prime Minister is in the midst of a near death experience.

General Motors said yesterday that their advertising is not helping to boost the auto maker's sales. If this trend continues, they may be forced to consider actually making a decent product.

And finally, two of the Internet's largest online poker websites agreed to forfeit $731 million in a settlement that proves they did not know when to fold 'em.

That's it! See you tomorrow, kiddos!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 21, 2011

Hey, thanks Spencer for filling in yesterday. I heard a rumor about the perfect under... never mind. Best not to dwell on what might have been. But now I'm back, and this time, it's personal. Well, actually, it's pretty impersonal when you think about it. I mean, I'm not really telling you anything about myself. It's all pretty generic. Anybody could be telling these jokes. They would just have to pay me for them, and for others that I would surely write day after day. Hint. HINT. I assume that the 26 people reading this blog are all in the late night comedy writing business. Right? Anyway...

Rumors are circulating about a "major" redesign of Facebook in the near future because, according to a spokesman, "we haven't pissed users off in the last few weeks."

"Popular" web mail service Yahoo.com apologized yesterday for sending an unknown number of emails about an upcoming Wall Street protest straight into users' SPAM folders. In Yahoo's defense, it was called the "Canad1an Pharmacy HUGE BOOBS buy g0ld protest."

U.S. attorneys alleged yesterday that Full Tilt Poker, a gambling website, was misusing money wagered by players. This startling news was revealed by the special Obvious Crimes Unit.

A London man stabbed for defending a pregnant woman and an elderly person from a youth gang said he had "no regrets" and would "do it again," before adding "well, everything but the 'getting stabbed' part. I'd probably dodge or something if I did it again."

Netflix announced late Sunday that they would be splitting their online streaming service and DVD rental service into two companies as part of their "earn less money" strategy. Did they just get bought by NBC?

Google opened the new Google+ service to all users this week, so now everyone can sign up for an account and then do absolutely nothing with it.

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen roast on Comedy Central Monday night? I decided to watch homeless guys fight over some stale bread because it made me feel slightly less horrible. Seriously, roasting Charlie Sheen right now is like standing by a cancer patient's bed and crackin' jokes while they refuse chemo. I heard Tyson was good, though.

And lastly, a study found that films depicting people smoking make young people more likely to smoke. Hollywood, are you listening? You know what you have to do: start making movies about people who pull their pants all the way up, listen to decent music and don't watch Jersey Shore. Use your power wisely!

That's all for now. Hope your Wednesday is glorious. See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 5, 2011

Hot damn! Is it Friday? No, it's Thursday. Rope it in a bit. But not too much, because it's CINCO DE MAYO! If you can, you should go to Taco Mayo today. And then don't make any plans for tomorrow. Okay, prepare to be amused.

In sporting news, ESPN signed an agreement to boost its coverage of the World Series of Poker, unless the NFL lockout gets called off, of course. Because poker isn't a sport. It's a rule, people: if counting is more helpful than steroids, it's not a sport.

Remember Chef Boyardee? Well, his niece is writing a cookbook this year. Spoiler alert: every recipe begins with "find a can opener" and ends with "be disappointed."

According to a recent poll, 60% of American voters would not vote for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump in a presidential race, under any circumstances. The most common reason given by voters: "I'm not an idiot."

In legal news, the US Department of Justice asked the NCAA for information on how the Bowl Championship Series works. Said an NCAA spokesman, "uh, we actually aren't sure. There's probably some math, and favoritism. STATISTICS! Not favoritism, ha ha ha. Please don't print that." Also, it's a bad week to be annoying President Obama.

In other non-sport news, protesters are trying to get Donald Trump removed from the Indy 500 pace car. I don't know. It seems like a natural fit to me. After all, they both spend their time going around in circles, making lots of noise but never really getting anywhere.

In romantic news, Marie Osmond remarried her first husband this weekend. After the ceremony, she reportedly said "wait, I did what? Oh, for cryin' out loud."

Pre-production is getting underway for the next James Bond film, and producers are seeking product placement agreements. There's a rumor that they may sell Donald Trump the role of the egomaniacal villain. A representative for the producers said "It would save us a lot of money on scriptwriting costs. Turns out he's really good at chewing scenery and ad-libing insane, evil nonsense." But then again, they'll probably just have to give it to Jay Leno.

And lastly, L.A. Clippers power forward Blake Griffin was unanimously voted NBA's Rookie of the Year yesterday. Upon learning the news, the 22-year old phenom said "I'd like to thank my team..." before staring off into the distance for just a moment and wistfully repeating "my team. Yeah. The L.A. Clippers. I'm a lucky guy..."

That's all for me this week! I'll be at Clam Broth House tomorrow night in Hoboken, so you should come see me. You should also come back for Spencer and Earnest this weekend for more laughs. 

Congratulations to Blake Griffin, who is far more gracious than I've made him out to be, and I hope you all have a series of great days until next we meet!