September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge

In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.

In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.

Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.

Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.

In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.

In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.

In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.

Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.

And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.

Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.

That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2013

In London, Secretary of State Kerry accidentally blurted out that Syria could avoid a military strike from the U.S. if they would surrender their stockpiles of chemical weapons to the U.N. within one week. A representative from the Assad government was quick to praise the idea, adding "we're almost done with them anyway!"

In a related story, the State Department walked back Kerry's comments, saying the Secretary was not authorized to speak rationally.

In Florida, George Zimmerman was not arrested yesterday after his wife called 911 to report him for threatening her and her father with a gun. Zimmerman was questioned and released without any charges filed. As a result, his wife is now afraid to eat Skittles.

In Boulder, Colorado, a man was arrested for taking a drunken horse ride through town. The horse was under the legal limit, though, so he was released by police at the scene.

PayPal now offers a hands-free way to pay for things in person, using an app on your phone. In other news: DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR PHONE.

Google announced it would add embedded posts and author attribution to its Google+ social network. They will not, however, be adding a reason to use it.

The Neiman Marcus department store chain just sold to a private venture capital firm. I hope they're happy with the purchase, because that store's return policy is a nightmare.

And finally, the Sheriff's Department in Detroit announced the capture of a convict who escaped custody after stabbing a prison guard with a comb. They were never really worried, because if there's one thing the last 20 years have taught us, it's that nobody escapes Detroit.

And that's all!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 28, 2013

With the threat of war in Syria looming, the Pentagon is struggling to prepare ground troops for the horrors they would encounter in a hellish, bombed out urban landscape that has been utterly betrayed and devastated by its government. So they're sending the troops to Detroit for a week.

Speaking of Syria, the New York Times website was brought down again yesterday. The publisher blamed malicious attacks from supporters of the Assad regime, but it's more likely that people really just hate Maureen Dowd.

George Zimmerman wants the State of Florida to pay him $200,000 for his recent legal defense. And they should pay it if that's what it takes to keep him from murdering anyone else.

In Minnesota, a young man woke up on a camping trip to find a wolf biting his head and trying to eat him. After coming face to face with the predator, the man said he felt so threatened it must be what a woman feels like when Robin Thicke is around.

Scientists have found evidence for a new element with an atomic weight of 115. As is tradition, the element will be named after its discoverer. So all hail "Nerdium."

Wal-Mart will start offering same-sex couples the same health plan as heterosexual couples, which is to say, they will continue to offer them nothing.

The U.S. Treasury announced a printing error in making $100 bills may end up costing taxpayers $4 million. Too bad they can't find any money to deal with it.

And finally, scientists believe broccoli may slow the progression of arthritis, leading to speculation that arthritis hates the smell of farts.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 11, 2013

Sources close to the White House say the administration is reassessing its policy against arming Syrian rebels, because it will be totally different than Afghanistan.

Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.

Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.

A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.

Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.

Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.

A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.

And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.

End.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 28, 2013

GE plans to invest billions of dollars in the controversial and possibly environmentally dangerous technology called "Fracking." But that's nothing compared to what they invested in Jay Leno.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) sneaked into Syria yesterday to meet with rebel leaders and also demonstrate how they need to increase their border security.

New York City just launched the world's largest bike sharing program, just in time for summer. Coincidentally, it's also the world's largest ass-sweat sharing program.

In Toronto, Mayor Ford is facing more trouble from his alleged crack-smoking video. Two of his top aides left this week, which outraged the mayor until he was informed that neither of the aides were the ones responsible for purchasing his crack.

He also went so far as to apologize for calling the press "maggots," saying that crack makes you do crazy things.

The Royal Bank of Scotland is cutting 1,400 jobs. Cheap bastards.

Doctors studying the long-term impact of fetal crack use have found no indication that so-called "crack babies" experience lasting damage from the drug. The data indicates that they are able to succeed and achieve in life just like anyone else, even going so far as to become mayor of large north American cities.

In Japan, the mayor apologized for a previous comment in which he suggested that American military personnel should alleviate stress, and reduce sexual assault, by indulging in Japan's booming adult entertainment industry. When walking back his comments, he added "I must have been smoking crack."

And finally, Sir Paul McCartney visited Graceland for the first time this week, and left a guitar pick behind. He was repaying a visit The King made to Apple Records in 1970. During that trip, Elvis left behind a doughnut casserole.

So endeth the blog post.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - October 23, 2012

JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKES!

Actress Kelly Preston just turned 50 years old and said said of the milestone "I feel like I'm 25!" She then went on to say that she was a very tired, used-up 25.

Server problems took Reddit.com offline for hours yesterday, forcing thousands of users to express their endless hate in person.

Gynecologists now say that women can wait longer between Pap tests. Also, they're getting tired of looking at so many vaginas.

The Syrian government said yesterday that sanctions are hurting children in Syria. Also hurting children in Syria: the Syrian government.

Biologists reported that a male beluga whale was heard mimicked human speech in pitch and cadence. You know, like Mitt Romney does.

Also, the marine biologists who overheard the whale suspect it may have been mocking them. Because even a beluga whale could tell they sucked.

Kathie Lee Gifford recently dropped a puppy on the air when she realized the puppy was not full of wine.

Google reported that "Paul Ryan Shirtless" is more commonly searched than "Paul Ryan budget plan" because everyone knows that budget plans have terrible muscle definition.

And finally, an Atlanta paper company was charged with scheming to avoid taxes through bribes and falsifying records. Unfortunately for them, they were caught because they left a paper trail.

No more!

Monday Morning Monologue - September 10, 2012

Hey, sorry. Stepped outside to take the trash out, and wouldn't you know I left my keys inside. I've been locked out all week. Did anything happen? Oh, man. Okay, let's get back to this.

Clint Eastwood tried to explain his bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention by saying that talking to an empty chair was no different than his experience acting alongside Justin Timberlake.

Over the weekend, a tornado touched down in Brooklyn and Queens, New York, because Manhattan is too crowded and expensive.

Steven Tyler was spotted on a nude beach in Maui, or else someone captured an old dried up jellyfish and shoved it on the end of a broomstick.

Rev. Jesse Jackson said that his son, recuperating from psychiatric treatment, shouldn't rush back to Congress. Instead, Rev. Jackson suggested his son do something more useful with his time. Like Sudoku.

Zoologists in San Diego were able to determine the gender of panda cub this week. They asked the panda how it was feeling, and after half an hour... wonk, wonk, wonk. Ladies like to talk about their feelings!

The Syrian government criticized France's decision to support Syrian rebels, saying that France was undermining the U.N. envoy, which is ridiculous because the envoy is already useless.

Tennessee and AT&T are teaming up for testing a 911 text service, so you can send for help and cause a car accident at the same time.

And finally, a Los Angeles court ruled that the city cannot confiscate and destroy homeless people's belongings without just cause. The city vowed to appeal the decision in the case of "City of Los Angeles v. Human Decency."

That's all for now. But I bet more stuff will need to be made fun of tomorrow.

Friday Morning Monologue - August 24, 2012

Love it or leave it. Please love it!

Falling circumcision rate in U.S. could lead to billions of dollars in health costs over time, as well as billions more spent on foreskin soap.

Mexican authorities in Michoacan negotiating with a separatist religious group trying to block children from attending school. Who knew the GOP was in Mexico?

Hey, remember Syria?

The new IRISNotes 2 text recognition computer program promises to turn your most unintelligible chicken scratch writing into understandable text. As proof, the makers used the program to make sense of Romney's position on welfare.

Just kidding. Hey, no seriously, what ever happened with Syria?

Hurricane Isaac is revving up, getting ready to hit Florida in time for the GOP convention. Fortunately the party leadership is used to ignoring hurricanes. It's bad news for the party, but it's still not as awkward as if they got a visit from Todd Akin. Or a rape victim.

Manufacturing is slowing in China this quarter, which must be causing all manner of wicked beatings in the factories.

Did we fix that whole Syria/Assad/Civil War thing? Can't remember now.

Election observers in Venezuela report that Hugo Chavez has a distinct monetary advantage over his challenger. He also has a distinct "I might just throw you in prison" advantage, too.

A medical study found that older men pass on more genetic mutations to their offspring, which probably means the next time Larry King has sex, Wolverine will happen.

Were they at the Olympics? Surely the press would have said something.

And finally, photos released of Prince Harry revealed that he is aptly named, and possibly Irish.

That's all! Have a great weekend, friends!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 24, 2012

Welcome back, you all. Or rather, y'all. I have eight jokes for you. One of them, however, is secretly a bon mot. See if you can spot it!

NASA declared a test of its new heat shield a "success," meaning it's super expensive.

In England, the Olympic torch visited the set of the popular soap opera EastEnders, where it was reunited with its long-lost evil twin and the Zippo lighter it gave for adoption all those years ago.

The Assad government issued a statement in Syria yesterday saying that they totally won't use chemical weapons on rebels, but they may use them on invisible people standing really close to rebels.

In Pennsylvania, shoppers at Sears were sent packing last week by a black bear that wandered into the store. Since it was a black bear, a manager followed him around to make sure he didn't steal anything.

In a related story, another black bear was spotted at the same Sears, which means now your racist bear uncle won't shop at that Sears anymore.

A former lab assistant in New Hampshire was found to be responsible for a Hepatitis C outbreak in the area. In a related story, Tommy Lee has been working as a lab assistant in New Hampshire.

Sofia Vergara was the highest-paid woman on television last year, earning $19million. Although it's really closer to $6million after she splits it with her breasts.

And finally, Senate Democrats are threatening to let all the Bush-era tax cuts expire this year, probably because they're tired of living in Washington, D.C.

And that's the end. Did you spot it?! See you tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - July 19, 2012

Let me tell you a little story. Actually, eight little stories. And they're not stories, so much as they are jokes. And I won't tell them to you. I'll just publish them on my blog, and you can read them or not. My God, I can be tiresome sometimes.

Enjoy.

Two men were stopped at the US/Canadian border when customs agents found them to be in possession of "illegal candy." The contraband was uncovered by the world's fattest police dog.

Two cousins in Ohio cleaning out a their aunt's house found a stash of rare baseball cards worth an estimated $3 million. They can't wait to hear how great the cards sound once they put them in their bicycle spokes.

Google Maps unveiled new "Street View" content of Antarctica, taken by what must have been the most hated intern in history.

The Chinese government is claiming that the Great Wall of China is longer than previously thought. Historians are now arguing that it was really cold when they first measured it.

There's a video making the rounds on the Internet right now of a man proposing to his girlfriend to the tune of an old Toyota pickup commercial song. The point being, I guess, is that he's happy to be with her now until she starts breaking down and/or he can afford something better.

If you ain't no chump, holla "WE WANT PRE-NUP!"

Researches found recently that the high cost of dental care keeps many Americans from receiving proper treatment. Also: drills are scary.

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said yesterday that "the window is closing" for peace in Syria. By the way, Jay Carney thinks that "windows" are magical time-machines that can change the past.

And finally, cycling star Frank Schleck said he "formally rejects" test results that indicate he used banned substances, saying that someone must have tampered with his penis.

BOOMSHAKALAKA. Have a classy day, Internet.

Monday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2012

Welcome back, sweaty people. How's your AC holding up? And by AC, I do mean Armor Class. That's right, it's Dungeons & Dragons season. Okay, so for the five of you still reading, please enjoy these jokes.

The east coast is in the midst of an early heat wave, and New York City's power provider, Con Ed, is in the middle of a contract renegotiation with their union. Or, they were until this weekend, then they cuts 8,000 union jobs and broke off the negotiation. Tomorrow's forecast: Muggy in the afternoon with 40% chance of riots.

Elsewhere, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman said that making her recent "adult video" was "the most empowering and liberating thing I've ever done." Looking at her life, that's probably true.

An appeals court ruled recently that New York City taxis don't have to accommodate the disabled, but the court stopped just short of ruling that being African American or going to Brooklyn counted as disabilities.

In world news, Kofi Annan said he is "optimistic" about Syrian peace talks in Geneva. So that makes one.

Rock band Aerosmith pushed back the release of their first album in 11 years to November, which strangely enough coincides with the end of their relevancy.

In Germany, Jewish and Muslim leaders call the country's recent circumcision ban "a real dick move."

In more European news, Italy knocked out Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-finals, which probably means Europe can kiss the bailout goodbye.

And finally, the U.S. census reports that for the first time in 100 years, cities are growing faster than suburbs. It's probably because everyone is getting sick of Old Navy.

And that's it! NATURAL 20! More like a modified 12. Anyway, see you tomorrow.

Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 19, 2012

Let the weird and fast continue!

Reuters reported yesterday that Americans gave almost $300 billion last year in charity, and that number doesn't even include the kindhearted souls who sat through two episodes of Whitney before giving up on it.

Retailer JC Penney just fired its head of marketing and merchandising in the wake of his failed plan to do away with all sales and coupons. The plan was codenamed "Whitney." Okay, that's enough of that for today.

Whitney sucks.

Facebook just spent $100 million to purchase Israeli tech firm Face.com. No word yet on their attempts to purchase Book.com. Can't understand why their stock is pulling such a "Whitney."

Facebook is also exploring the use of location-specific advertising, so users can ignore more relevant content than ever before.

Justin Bieber's show at the famous Apollo Theater turned acoustic last night after the power went out, proving once again that God does not approve of Justin Bieber.

Baseball star Roger Clemens was found not guilty of perjury yesterday, finally providing white America with its own O.J. Simpson.

Russian President-for-Life Vladimir Putin is considering visiting the U.K. for the first time in nearly a decade so that he can see a judo match and not do anything about Syria. That last part is unrelated, but, come on.

And finally, 73 adult entertainers at a club in Atlanta won a settlement against the club's management and were awarded over $1.5 million in unpaid wages. The toughest part of the settlement was finding that many singles.

Yeah, so I took the easy way out. So what? See how low I stoop tomorrow. Whatever happens, at least it won't be as awful as Whitney.

Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 13, 2012

Hey, how's it going? Didja miss me? Well, now I'm back, and thanks for waiting. Let's have some jokes.

In baseball news, Alex Rodriguez hit his 23rd grand slam, tying the record held by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig. A-Rod is currently also the all-time record-holder for STDs.

In news from Broadway, Cybil Shepherd, John Stamos and Kristin Davis are stepping in as the new principle cast in Gore Vidal's The Best Man, or as it will be now known, The Second-Best Man.

U.N. observers in Syria now say the country is in a civil war. Oh, sorry, wait, this is from a year ago. What's that? Yesterday? Awkward...

Fast food purveyors Burger King have announced a new bacon sundae for this summer. It's the central item on their new "You're Gonna Puke Menu."

Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy Corgan let loose on Radiohead this week, saying he would "piss" on the British rockers. He then went on to release a full album on time that was praised by fans and critics for its timely, evolved sound. Just kidding!

How about JPOP? Japanese girl-group AKB48 is rising in popularity, in part because of its reliance on fan voting to determine the band's ever-changing lineup. In a related story, Mitt Romney was recently seen wearing a Sailor Moon outfit.

Executives from ABC are urging a federal judge to quit blocking the premier of a new reality show this summer. Wait, judges can do that? I gotta go file some lawsuits.

And finally, musicianbag John Mayer said recently that he was upset Taylor Swift over her tell-off song "Dear John," which he assumes is about him. Swift clarified that the song isn't about him, but her B-side "Dear Douchebag, Here are the Reasons You Suck" may be about him. In a related story, the rest of us are upset with John Mayer over every crappy song he has ever recorded.

That's all! Thanks, everyone!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 29, 2012

Welcome back, everyone! Anyone have a weekend? Yeah, that's good stuff. Anyone have any jokes?

In Denver, a middle-aged man found out during a recent CT-scan for kidney stones, that he was actually born with both male and female sex organs. The man is taking it in stride, saying the biggest change he's noticed is his public restroom options just doubled.

Also, free drinks on Thursday! Or, at least half-off.

Rumors are circulating that Facebook is working to create their own smartphone. They're planning on including a shrinking data plan and each phone's contact list will come pre-loaded with a bunch of people you don't really know.

The middle east is currently under attack by a new malware threat called "Flame." It's already leaked another ten pages from President Assad's diary.

Speaking of Syria, a representative for the Model United Nations offered to take over on the Syria issue since the regular United Nations isn't interested.

In the U.K., Tony Blair faced questioning over the media's relationship to politicians during his time in office. He said, while he was Prime Minister, he chose not to fight the media, which just goes to show that the media doesn't have oil.

Speaking of the U.K., a majority of its citizens said they think the country is worse off under Queen Elizabeth II than it was before her reign. In a related story, a majority of U.K. citizens don't know how their country's government works.

Back in America, hair-failure Donald Trump and baseball-fetishist George Will got in a heated war of words over the weekend. The real loser: words.

And finally, actor/director/hero Robert DeNiro gained an honorary doctorate from Bates College, as well as his mother's approval. At last.

That's all for now! G'day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 10, 2012

Ever have one of those days when your computer is a total and complete bastard? I'm starting to think "lenovo" is French for "screw you, user." It's fine, though. I don't really like getting things done. Anyway, 90+ minutes later, and I'm back in the saddle, waiting for the blue screen of death to come for me. Before it does, let me tell you some jokes.

First, actress and funny person Kristen Wiig said yesterday that she thinks leaving Saturday Night Live will be "the hardest thing," probably because she's afraid Lorne Michaels is going to lock her in a room with Justin Timberlake and make them both do the Target sketch until one or both of them are dead. Read your contract, Kristen! Soylent Green is Michaela Watkins!

In international news, the U.S. is looking to deepen relations with Brazil, because the U.S. heard that Brazil is really good at relations, and will relate in all sorts of crazy ways that NATO countries just won't anymore.

That's a sex joke.

Britney Spears is petitioning a judge to add her new fiance to her financial conservatorship, along with her father, because she doesn't have any daddy issues.

The Iranian government blocked its people from accessing the 2012 Olympics website, angering no one.

ATT just sold its Yellow Pages business to Cerebus, who will probably flip through it looking for coupons, then leave it alone for several years before finally divesting it during a long-overdue spring cleaning/reorganization.

Microsoft is buying one billion dollars' worth of patents from AOL, raising the company's net worth to one billion dollars.

Actor Ray Liotta said he's tired of playing criminals on screen, and wants a romantic role. It's the most passive-aggressive retirement announcement ever.

And finally, the outlook is bleak for the ceasefire in Syria scheduled for today, following reports of government forces confiscating all of the country's calendars. Should have seen that coming.

And that's all. Till tomorrow!

Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 4, 2012

G'day, mates. Get your funny faces on and let's have some jokes.

Former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin hosted the Today Show yesterday. Or rather, she hosted it till about the midway point and then quit.

She also said recently, regarding the upcoming presidential election, that America needs "anyone but Obama in the White House." Interestingly enough, that was to be her campaign slogan if she ran.

A new museum devoted to the Titanic just opened in Southampton, England. It was immediately hit by an iceberg and destroyed. There were no survivors.

Last week the Syrian government agreed to what they called an "April 10 ceasefire, wink." The "wink" was written into the agreement. Not sure what that means, but it can't be good.

Educators are now using Twitter in Kindergarten classrooms to teach kids to think succinctly, and to teach them as early as possible that people are horrible. Also, they gave us the #boogers hashtag.

Did you know that Facebook's board of directors has no women? It's too bad they couldn't come up with some way to meet women, perhaps online.

In a new advertisement for the next James Bond film, star Daniel Craig is seen drinking a Heineken beer, instead of his trademark martini. That might explain why the new film is called License to be a Douchebag.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINES!

• Dr. Douchebag
• Douchefinger
• From Russia with a Douche
• Never Say Douchebag Again
• The Man With the Golden Douche
• View to a Douchebag

And finally, the Chinese government allowed two of the country's most popular microblogging websites to resume operation after being shut down this weekend. The government closed the websites to remove posts about an alleged coup in the central government, as well as reports of Paul McCartney's death.

So endeth the lesson. I mean blog. More tomorrow! Till then, have a great day!

Thursday Morning Monologue - March 15, 2012

Hello, friends. Hunker down and dig in on these here jokes.

In Qatar, organizers for the World Cup are questioning the need to sell alcoholic beverages at the games, indicating that they've never actually been to a sporting event.

Bad news for Bear Grylls, star of Man vs. Wild, who was fired from his show by Discovery Channel. Although he's already shopping a new program: Man vs. Unemployment. Also bad news for everyone looking for a job, because now they have to compete with Bear Grylls. Good luck with that.

Encyclopaedia Britannica will no longer be publishing actual, physical books, opting instead for an electronic version. So now, instead of a long row of dusty, unopened books on your shelf, it will just be a small, dusty thumb drive. PROGRESS!

Former 90210 star Jennie Garth is getting divorced. I can't help but blame Shannon Doherty.

Rick Santorum is attacking Mitt Romney for how Romney reportedly treated the family dog during a long road trip. Santorum suggested that Romney should have shown the dog greater love, but then again if he had, Santorum would probably just accuse Romney of being gay. Because Santorum said that homosexuality was the equivalent of bestiality.

He sucks.

Russia said yesterday that it will not intervene military to protect Syrian presidential monster Bashar Assad. Unless, of course, his check clears.

The ruling junta in Burma has agreed to televise a speech by opposition leader Aun San Suu Kyii, but they do reserve the right to swap out the audio for the sound of someone farting.

And finally, election officials in Egypt reported that 500 people are running for the nation's presidency (despite what happened to the last one). Donald Trump has threatened to make it 501.

That's that! More later. Till then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - November 28, 2011

Vacation's over. Back to work. Happy Monday, or whatever. Did anyone else have to buy new pants this weekend? Anyway, here's some jokes to get your stuffing-filled bellies jiggling.

The Arab League voted to level sanctions against Syria yesterday, making them ineligible for this year's Arab Bowl.

In America, cities are spending millions of dollars to fund police department operations to clear out Occupy Wall Street protest camps while cutting funding to homeless shelters. Wait a minute, I think I just figured out the budget crisis.

New Hampshire's leading conservative newspaper, The Union Leader, called Mitt Romney the "perfect President for the 19th century." A confused Romney thanked The Union Leader for their endorsement.

Speaking of endorsements, The Union Leader actually did endorse Newt Gingrich. Which had nothing to do with the full page ad purchased by Tiffany and Co. on page C-2.

A high school student in Kansas was punished recently for tweeting that she thought Gov. Sam Brownback "sucked." The controversial tweet was seen by the girl's 60 followers, or in Kansas terms: an entire Congressional District. In a related story, the Governor's office contacted the school about the tweet because, as it turns out, the Governor is a big crybaby.

In Florida, three employees of a septic tank company are facing jail time for tricking customers into purchasing a special kind of toilet paper. Add that to the list of Worst Reasons to Go to Jail. I bet they feel pretty... badly about that. Thought I was going to say "shitty," right? Well, not this time.

NBC apologized last week for playing "Lyin' Ass Bitch" during Michele Bachmann's visit to Late Night with Jiummy Fallon, but have remained strangely silent on the issue of Whitney. Come on, NBC. America is waiting.

And finally, Rick Santorum went on the record at Tuesday's debate in support of religious profiling of Muslims by law enforcement. It's part of Santorum's efforts to sew up the bigot vote. Go get 'em, Rick!

And that's the end. More tomorrow, I promise. Until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - November 15, 2011

What's got eight jokes and 250 posts? This blog. Read below to see how this momentous occasion is utterly indistinguishable from the other 249 posts.

Let's go international, why don't we? Yesterday the King of Jordan, when asked about Syrian president Bashar's recent crackdown on his people, said "I would step down." He then added, "but I'm also not a paranoid psychotic, so take that with a grain of salt."

The NBA players association rejected the league's most recent contract offer and threatened to disband the players' union. Wow. It's a good thing they all got solid college educations so they can find a fallback career. Or at least go to the Occupy Wall Street protests and complain about not having jobs.

Jersey Shore star JWOWW tweeted this weekend that she was singled out unfairly for extra inspection by TSA agents on a recent trip. She was upset by the unnecessary pat down, mainly because she was neither drunk nor at the club when it happened.

Speaking of cultural touchstones, a literary museum is raising money to purchase and publish a "lost" manuscript by Charlotte Bronte. In a related story, high school English students are raising money to purchase and burn the same manuscript.

A survey found that one-third of American adults have ended a relationship through Facebook, text messaging and email, which means we need to be more clear about the meaning of the word "adult."

Speaking of crappy adults, former Penn State albatross Jerry Sandusky said yesterday that he is not a pedophile, but admitted to showering with young boys. In a related story, Jerry Sandusky may not know what the word "pedophile" actually means.

In European news, the new Greek Prime Minister Lucas Papademos says the country can be saved, but needs to implement a new economic program that will improve competitiveness. So, to sum up: Greece *can* be saved, but it *won't* be saved. Good try, L-Pap.

And finally, recent polling revealed that Newt Gingrich is tied with Mitt Romney for the lead in the Republican presidential primary! In a related story, that one vein on Romney's head keeps getting bigger.

Well, that's all. Until tomorrow, that is. And until then, have a great day!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 23, 2011

You should know that on this day in 1775, King George of England declared that the American colonies were in a state or open and avowed rebellion. So, that's cool, right? History man, what a trip. But what's happening today? Or actually yesterday?

It's nothing but bad news for a-holes in the Arab world, with governments in Syria and Libya both coming unraveled after decades of corrupt, incompetent mismanagement. Wait a minute, is NBC some sort of Arabian despotism?

Speaking of despots, North Korean "leader" Kim Jong-il recently visited Russia in his own personal armored train. Strangely enough, the South Korean President has an armored train, too, although his is called the Seoul Train.

In Florida, a woman was arrested for trying to sell her five year-old son. Apparently she didn't have the right business license. AYN RAND WAS RIGHT!

Former Hugh Hefner-boner Crystal Harris has reportedly landed a deal for her own reality show. Although she'll probably drop out of filming the day before it's supposed to start, then go talk to Howard Stern for some reason.

A recent study found that eight out of ten people have toxic friendships. In a related study, two out of ten people are such jerks that even toxic bastards don't want to be friends with them.

The Homeless World Cup kicked off in Paris this weekend. It's like the regular world cup, but with less alcohol.

Kate Winslet had to flee a fire this week that destroyed Richard Branson's private island. And yes, James Bond was probably behind it.

Oh, and lastly, Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married this weekend. Take that, England.

Okay, that's all I've got for you. Let's do this again, say in twenty four hours?

Till then, have a great day!