Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe says that his victory is a clear mandate from the people to take over international banks in the country. Basically, he says it's a mandate to take control of any place known for keeping an accurate count of things.
Doctors at the University of Virginia at Charolottesville concluded that kids who drink sugary beverages are more likely to be obese. But still no clear link to cooties.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is purchasing The Washington Post, just when you thought no one was buying the newspaper anymore.
American security services said that embassies and consulates in the middle east will remain closed following communications they intercepted from al Qaeda, which must mean that al Qaeda is finally on Facebook.
The Obama administration vetoes a recent ban on the importation of various Apple iPhones. When asked why, White House spokesmen said "because they're totally easy to spy on."
Time Warner Cable has blacked out CBS following stalled negotiations, although CBS programming will still be available on the Internet. And if there's one thing CBS viewers are comfortable with, it's the Internet.
In London, scientists debuted the world's first lab-grown hamburger. The patty cost just under $200,000 to produce, which is why fast food workers can't get a raise.
And finally, other scientists used an atomic force microscope to paint the world's smallest copy of "The Mona Lisa" using a process called thermochemical nanolithography. No word on what process or microscope they'll use to find someone who gives a shit.
Ta.
Showing posts with label Apple. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Apple. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 2, 2013
Over the weekend in New York, a helicopter successfully landed in the middle of the Hudson River. Because that's how hard it is to find a helicopter parking space in the city.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
In the Middle East, news coverage is completely dominated by protests in Egypt, which means this is the perfect time for a Middle-Eastern nip-slip to go unnoticed.
Apple Computers is rumored to be trying to lock down a trademark on the term "iWatch." Too bad the NSA beat them to it.
The underage sex-abuse lawsuit against Kevin Clash, the actor who played Elmo was dismissed yesterday because the judge ruled the plaintiffs waited too long to bring their action. The judge did also rule that Clash did not wait long enough before bringing his action.
It looks like Edward Snowden is stuck in Moscow, unable to get on a flight out of the country. Probably shouldn't have booked with Orbitz.
Scientists estimate that there are 60 billion habitable planets in the Milky Way galaxy, but that number goes way down when you factor in how far away they are from Trader Joe's.
A man at a bank in Orange County, California, was nearly arrested for wearing a surgical mask. Police were relieved to find out he was not a bank robber, but merely wearing the mask because he has cancer. Not relieved, but, you know.
And finally, after the thrilling efforts of Wendy Davis in Texas to block anti-abortion legislation, NBC has announced a new summer reality competition: "So You Think You Can Filibuster!" Harry Reid has already set his DVR.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - June 24, 2013
Justin Bieber tweeted on June 19 that he will release a new movie and new music this year. Twitter is investigating him for making threatening tweets.
Instagram just added videos to their service. Users uploaded five million videos in the first 24 hours, making it the fastest surge of penises onto the Internet in recorded history.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden left Hong Kong this weekend and flew to Moscow, thanks to the aid of Wikileaks. His itinerary was supposed to be a secret, but you know how these people are.
Scientists from the UK claim to have proof that "plants do maths," which is stupid because the word is "math," singular.
Firefighters in Colorado are scrambling to save Del Norte from wildfires. Someone should set some wildfires outside Detroit.
Brazilians are taking to the streets to protest crumbling social services and public transportation. And now they can protest the traffic, too.
An early Apple I computer is going up for auction, and expected to bring in $500,000. But it still won't run any cool games.
And finally, Paula Deen is expected to lose her job with QVC, after it came out that she may have made racist jokes in the past. Also, no one is interested in buying her "Slaves' Secret" moisturizing blackface masques.
END
Instagram just added videos to their service. Users uploaded five million videos in the first 24 hours, making it the fastest surge of penises onto the Internet in recorded history.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden left Hong Kong this weekend and flew to Moscow, thanks to the aid of Wikileaks. His itinerary was supposed to be a secret, but you know how these people are.
Scientists from the UK claim to have proof that "plants do maths," which is stupid because the word is "math," singular.
Firefighters in Colorado are scrambling to save Del Norte from wildfires. Someone should set some wildfires outside Detroit.
Brazilians are taking to the streets to protest crumbling social services and public transportation. And now they can protest the traffic, too.
An early Apple I computer is going up for auction, and expected to bring in $500,000. But it still won't run any cool games.
And finally, Paula Deen is expected to lose her job with QVC, after it came out that she may have made racist jokes in the past. Also, no one is interested in buying her "Slaves' Secret" moisturizing blackface masques.
END
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 11, 2013
Sources close to the White House say the administration is reassessing its policy against arming Syrian rebels, because it will be totally different than Afghanistan.
Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.
Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.
A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.
Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.
Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.
A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.
And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.
End.
Former Secretary of State, Senator, and First Lady Hillary Clinton joined Twitter this week, so for God's sake don't spoil Game of Thrones for her. She will destroy you.
Singing astronaut Chris Hadfield, who rose to fame for his rendition of "Space Oddity" performed about the International Space Station, announced he will be retiring. Good news, he/s going on a farewell tour. Bad news, it's in outer space. And scalpers already bought up all the tickets.
A new study indicates that yoga helps with memory, specifically being able to remember to talk incessantly about how much you enjoy yoga.
Speaking of yoga, Lululemon's Chief Executive Officer, Christine Day, is stepping down due to the whole "see-through yoga pants" thing. And while stepping down, you could totally see her underpants.
Tim Tebow will be signing with the New England Patriots, allowing fans to hate more efficiently.
A new study found that one-fifth of designated drivers have actually been drinking, and the other four just resent you.
And finally, the new Mac Air will have an "all-day battery," so you can look like a douchebag at Starbucks all day long.
End.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Friday Morning Monologue - June 7, 2013
Don't look now! Vladimir Putin just announced he's getting a divorce. So, watch out, ladies! No, seriously, watch out for Vladimir Putin.
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
In New York, the courts lifted a ban on phone apps used to hail cabs after the courts were assured that they would not be made available to black people.
Speaking of phones, people are up in arms about the NSA secretly eavesdropping on American phone calls. But if you think people are angry over this now, wait till you hear what they're saying about it in private.
Furthermore, Facebook denied giving the government direct access to their servers to spy on users and gather information. According to Facebook, they only do that for advertisers.
Apple also denied giving the government direct access to their servers, but that's because the government refused to purchase Apple's proprietary data cable to make the connection.
AT&T boasted that they have increased the number of Internet-connected devices on their network by over 500,000 this quarter. Even better, they've connected over 1 million to the NSA.
Broadcaster Glenn Beck said he regrets that he may have said things on his programs that alienated some Americans, even if those Americans are stupid Communists who hate America.
A pilot program in England is training returning war veterans to work as teachers. It's part of a new push to increase reenlistment rates.
At Sotheby's on Wednesday, a Persian rug went at auction for a record-setting $33.8 million. And somewhere soon, a tiny dog is going to have the most decadent bowel movement in recorded history.
And finally, disgraced writer Jonah Lehrer, dismissed from The New Yorker for plagiarism, has a new book coming out about the power of love. So now he's ripping off Huey Lewis and The News.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Wednesday Morning Monologue - May 15, 2013
President Obama apologized for the apparent bias and discrimination the IRS showed in investigating certain Tea Party groups applying for tax-exempt status, especially since bias and discrimination were the groups' reason for existing.
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
A construction company in Belize destroyed an ancient Mayan temple for gravel this week. In a related story, a gold-mining firm is planning to demolish the Vatican.
A Hong Kong court just handed down a $70 million judgment against casino mogul Sheldon Adelson. A visibly distraught Adelson wondered aloud after the verdict "will I still have enough money to subvert the democratic process in America?" Only time will tell.
Fort Hood's officer in charge of investigating sexual assault has been relieved of duty, pending an investigation into a sexual assault he was accused of. So, this could take a while. In the meantime, he's been transferred to the irony unit.
Eric Holder defended the Department of Justice's decision to seize phone records from the Associated Press. According to Holder, the FBI was investigating a leak, which is what they'll say when they do it again to find out who leaked this story.
BlackBerry announced plans to target emerging markets in Indonesia and Brazil, in the hopes that no one there has ever heard of a smartphone before.
Google is preparing a new program to compete with the music service Spotify. It's just like Spotify, except when you request a song, it just plays the title over and over.
And finally, the Department of Justice accused Apple of colluding with book publishers to raise the price of ebooks. A spokesman denied the accusation, saying "come on, Apple has never cooperated with anyone on anything."
Toodle-oo!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - April 15, 2013
During a recent speech, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky defended his stance on the civil rights movement, saying that his support for the Civil Rights Act has "never wavered." Nope, it's stayed perfectly stable at "zero."
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
In the UK, Iron Man 3's premier date was pushed back so as not to compete with funeral proceedings for the late Margaret Thatcher. So that's Iron Lady 1, Iron Man 0.
In other Thatcher news, plans are already underway for a memorial library. It will immediately be sold off to a private company and stripped of its valuable parts.
Happy Birthday and Mazeltov to Israel! The unlikely nation just turned 65, while Palestine turned into an even shittier place to live.
In Venezuela, early vote-rigging shows acting President Maduro winning the election by a razor-thin margin. Said Maduro, "don't worry, we'll get better at that for next time."
Jenna Bush just gave birth to her first child, and a PAC has already started soliciting donations for her 2064 presidential bid.
A recent medical study found that people who carry an excess of weight in the torso, called the "Apple" body type, are more likely to suffer from kidney disease and patent-infringement lawsuits from Apple Computers.
And finally, Steven Hawking visited a Los Angeles medical research firm that specializes in applying stem cell research to combating Lou Gehrig's Disease. Hawking praised them for their valuable contribution to medicine and also invited them to "please hurry the fuck up."
Okay, go finish your taxes!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Monday Morning Monologue - March 25, 2013
Hey! It's back! Coming to you live from our brand new studio in the Windy City, it's the new and not-at-all-improved Late Night Morning! Here's some jokes.
IBM researchers have found ways to make circuits that mimic the way human brains work. Meaning that the circuits work for fifteen minutes, then spend an hour looking at pictures of their exes on Facebook.
Carlos Slim, the Mexican telecommunications mogul and world’s richest man, just secured the Mexican broadcasting rights for the Olympics in 2014 and 2016. It’s part of his plan to no longer be the world’s richest man.
On the Internet, a kickstarter fundraising drive raised $2 million in one day to fund a film version of the Kristen Bell series Veronica Mars. Now if we could just convince Kristen to star in a show about curing cancer...
Speaking of doing more, the Pope said this week that we need to be doing more to help out the world’s poor. He then excused himself to the Little Pope’s Room, where he took a dump on a solid gold toilet and wiped his ass with platinum paper.
Scientists are on the verge of developing a hypo-allergenic apple. “It’s about time!” said no one ever.
At least 100 people were injured in a multi-car pileup in Edmonton, Alberta. It was a terrible accident that will be forever known as “the time the entire population of Alberta got in a car accident.”
South Korea said this week that it suspects North Korea is behind a series of cyber attacks. They came to this conclusion after they determined the attacks were launched with an Atari 2600 powered by a hamster wheel.
And finally, Poland is launching an ad campaign to preserve the Polish language. But since the ads were in Polish, no one understood them.
And that's it! Totally worth the wait, right?
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 26, 2012
TNT announced Dallas will continue, despite the death of Larry Hagman, because not everything can be allowed to die with dignity.
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Scientists at NASA are using the Martian rover Curiosity to track a giant storm on the red planet. They're really excited to be studying a storm not caused by climate change.
It's Cyber Monday today, which means a lot of people will typing one-handed.
Samsung announced the new Galaxy Note II has moved over five million units worldwide. Apple filed suit, saying that they patented moving five million units worldwide. Also, I think I may have done this joke before.
China landed its first jet on an aircraft carrier this weekend. It would have happened sooner, but the jet was operated by United Airlines.
Palestinian leaders said that rebuilding the Gaza Strip after Israeli bombing will be swift. In a related story, could we get New Orleans declared part of the Gaza Strip?
Oprah Winfrey is trying to woo a younger audience to her magazine, which would explain why this year's Favorite Things included "irony" and "you know, stuff." Damn kids and their music.
And finally, a camel broke free from a circus in Glendale, California, and ran wild in the streets. But it didn't get too far, thanks to the traffic.
Sorry, camel! No freedom and dignity for you!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - November 5, 2012
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]
So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.
Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.
China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.
The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.
In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.
George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.
No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.
And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.
That's all for now.
Who's there?
Deadly weather events brought about in part by climate change.
Well, clearly. You'd have to be pretty dense to think otherwise.
[ha ha ha ha ha]
So, anybody do anything fun last week? Oh, screw it. Here's some jokes.
Following the destruction from Hurricane Sandy on the east coast, Verizon and AT&T reported that their networks are not back up to "95%." AT&T has promised to have that number back to "50%" by the end of the week.
China may soon be allowing video game consoles to be imported for domestic sale. Consoles were banned in 2001 when the Chinese government decided it wanted its people to be productive.
The Coptic Christian Church in Egypt picked their new Pope this weekend, by allowing a blindfolded six-year old to pick a name out of a bowl of possible Popes. I'd love to make fun of their method, but we still use the Electoral College.
In election news, early voting lines in Florida have kept voters waiting for hours in many locations. In hindsight, they probably should not have put their polling places in Apple Stores.
George Lucas sold his film company, including the Star Wars franchise, to Disney for $4billion. However, like most Star Wars merchandise, the company will be forced to get rid of it in a few years when they get a girlfriend.
No Doubt removed their latest video from circulation after Native American groups complained that it trivialized their culture. No word on when Ska will issue a similar protest.
Leonardo DiCaprio broke up with his Victoria's Secret model girlfriend, just in case you were starting to feel good about yourself.
And finally, NBC's telethon to raise donations for Hurricane Sandy relief on Friday brought in $23million in pledges, making it the most profitable program on NBC in years.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - September 26, 2012
Good day, friends. Let's make light of it all.
Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.
No one wants to see that.
Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.
The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.
In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."
That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...
Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.
In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.
In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.
And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.
THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!
Korean rapper and dance-savant PSY has pledged that he will go topless if his hit "Gangnam Style" reaches the Number One spot on Billboard's Top Twenty. In response, no one is buying his album.
No one wants to see that.
Speaking of nudity, a local newspaper in the Solomon Islands published topless photos of Kate Middleton and may now close because of it, and not because print is a dying medium.
The Japanese Navy turned back Taiwanese boats in Japanese waters this week with water cannons. The cannons were especially effective, as the boats' crew were all cats.
| There you go. |
In other cat news, a cat is running for mayor of the Canadian city of Halifax. He's doing really well in the polls, thanks to his wildly popular platform of "meow." But since he's Canadian, it's more like "meow, eh."
That may be the worst joke I've ever written. Or the best...
Speaking of worst and best, Myspace is rebooting itself, again. This time they are focusing on their ideal, core audience: people who were in comas from 2005 until now.
In other tech news, Google said that it "hasn't done anything with maps" for Apple's new iOS6. Strangely, neither has Apple.
In sports news, the NFL referee lockout continues, despite high profile failures by the replacement refs. In a related story, boxing is now considered respectable and organized.
And finally, a medical report just out found that breathing European air will shorten your life. But it seems longer if you measure it in metric units.
THANK YOU GOOD NIGHT!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 25, 2012
Welcome back! Anything happen at the Emmy's? No? Okay, moving on.
In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.
Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.
Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.
Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.
Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.
The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.
Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.
And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.
Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!
In a recent poll, Apple was picked as the "coolest" brand in the UK, beating out the former champion, "Mr. Bean's Fantastic Dress Sock Garters." It's not a very cool place.
Speaking of Apple, a Foxconn factory building the iPhone 5 in China was shut down when 2000 workers rioted. Or, as Apple calls it, a fair level of excitement for the iPhone.
Speaking of the iPhone 5, since its release last week, it has sold 5 million copies, but sales numbers are still falling short of some analysts' expectations. In a related story, childhood sucks for the children of those analysts.
Celebrity umbra leach Dina Lohan said that she won't talk to Dr. Phil again, which is great news. That's just great news. For everyone.
Smartphone giant Samsung will be offering a pink version of the new Galaxy SIII in Korea. Apple responded by saying that they had previously patented both the color pink and Korea.
The CEO of Fiat denied rumors that they would be selling the Alfa Romeo brand, much to the disappointment of corporations having midlife crises.
Early voting has begun in this year's Presidential election for those who just couldn't wait to be disappointed.
And finally, former Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert faces prison time and a $190,000 fine in Israeli court for "breach of trust." Note to self: never cheat on an Israeli court.
Yep, that's how it's going out. Tomorrow!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - September 18, 2012
Let's make jokes to deal with our feelings of frustration and helplessness at the modern problems we are beset by. Joy!
Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.
In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.
Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.
Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.
Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.
In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.
Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.
Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."
And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.
That's the end.
Science news up first. Doctors found that "sexting" among teens is leading to riskier sexual choices by young people. On the other hand, now kids have a reason to learn to read.
In other medical news, the CDC says that kids are eating too much salt, leading to higher blood pressure among children. It's also why kids today who "play doctor" are actually prescribing meds for hypertension.
Chris Brown's probation hearing for his 2009 assault on Rihanna has been pushed back again. Sure would hate to be the one to have to tell him.
Because he'd probably get real angry and choke me.
Apple's stock hit $700 for the first time. In other words, that's two iPhones. Incidentally, the stock certificates handle Flash content just as well as the phones.
In New York, airport workers are accused of stealing 100,000 tiny bottles of liquor. Authorities think they were planning the world's largest little party.
Newsweek magazine came under fire for a recent cover on "Muslim rage." Apparently the Muslims in question are subscribers. I'd be pissed, too, if I paid for that crap.
Dave Matthews Band released an album this month called "Something You Can Talk About When You Have To Make Small Talk With Your Dealer."
And finally, in leaked videos, Gov. Romney said that 47% of voters see themselves as victims. I didn't realize that many people worked for companies bought by Bain.
That's the end.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - August 30, 2012
Good morning, my friends.
Actress Shirley MacLaine says that today Hollywood "ignores older viewers" and their tastes. Also, the movies aren't loud enough.
Police in California suspect that Lindsay Lohan may have lied about a car accident in June. Their first clue was when her statement began with "I am not Lindsay Lohan."
In Moscow, Russian anti-Putin activist Taisiya Osipova was sentenced to eight years in prison for drug charges. Outside observers suspect the drugs were planted in a move planned to keep Osipova from being murdered by Putin for at least the next eight years.
A good Samaritan returned Edward Furlong's wallet after the actor was mugged in Los Angeles. No word yet on whether or not his career will ever turn up.
Danny Wright of Carlsbad, California, convicted of stealing 3,500 Pillow Pets from a warehouse, narrowly avoided a jail term, wherein he would certainly have learned a new-found empathy for Pillow Pets.
Today, Minneapolis hosts the first ever "Internet Cat Video Film Festival" in someone's basement.
Yesterday, President Obama went on Reddit to endorse an amendment to the Constitution aimed at overturning the "Citizens United" decision. He was immediately flamed for being a troll.
Also, he put the quote on a fundraising flyer. So...
And finally, in Berlin, Samsung unveiled a new line of tablets and smartphones immediately after leaving the Apple Store.
That's the end!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 29, 2012
What's happening, friends? What happened yesterday? I don't know. This stuff is all made up.
At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.
In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.
In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.
Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.
A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.
United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.
News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.
And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."
Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.
At the GOP convention last night, Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt that he would "lift up the country," presumably to see if any coins or other money were beneath it.
In other Ann Romney news, she recently taped an interview detailing her miscarriage, because that's way less personal and difficult to talk about than her husband's tax returns.
In Brazil, a man and two women sparked controversy by registering together for a civil union. Local religious groups are protesting the union on the grounds that it could make these people happy.
Retail computer news now. Someone has apparently leaked the Apple Store's training manual for the "Genius Bar," including tips and tricks for fixing common issues. Insiders think it may be part of a plot to keep Apple users from asking so many stupid questions at the Genius Bar.
A medical study from the U.K. said that heavy pot use among young people can lead to a loss of I.Q. points as adults. Also, it can contribute to you having just completely shit taste in music.
United Airlines flights were delayed for two and a half hours yesterday due to a computer virus, which was a change for the airline as it normally relies on good old human incompetence to delay their flights.
News outlets in Greece reported a Greek tanker ship seized by pirates off the Togo coast. Unfortunately for the pirates, it was immediately repossessed by the bank.
And finally, Duran Duran cancelled their third straight show on advice from keyboardist Nick Rhodes' doctor. The doctor clarified the situation, saying "oh, there's nothing wrong with him. I just hate their music. They should cancel all their shows."
Oops, that's it. I'm gonna go listen to The Wedding Album now.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - July 25, 2012
Let's make it happen, Wednesday. I knew a kid named Wednesday once. Or maybe it was Wendy. Whatever. Enjoy these jokes, or don't.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Snoop Dogg is releasing a reggae album, just in case you'd forgotten that he liked marijuana.
Executives at NBC defended changes made to Community for next season, including cutting the number of episodes, removing Dan Harmon as show runner, and moving the show to Friday nights, following Whitney. In response to vocal criticism from fans, executives explained "we're not very good at our jobs. Perhaps you've not been paying attention."
Investors were disappointed by Apple Computers' $8.8billion profits last quarter, but encouraged by their new plan to use iTunes to sell methamphetamine.
A Monsignor in Pennsylvania was sentenced to 3 - 6 years in prison for covering up sexual abuse. He's also been ruled bowl-ineligible for the next four seasons.
YouTube is trying to discourage anonymous posting by linking user comments to their Google+ profile. The hardest part will be finding people with Google+ accounts.
NASA scientists discovered an unprecedented amount of Greenland's ice shelf melted this summer, which means a real estate boom in Greenland, right?
Netflix shares are down, but piracy is still blah blah blah. Sorry, that joke sucked.
And finally, ABC announced a new cooking reality show where chefs will be forced to create dishes under conditions found in ancient history, without modern conveniences like electricity or running water. And the secret ingredient? Probably Hepatitis. Bon appetit!
Consider that the end of the blog. Because it is.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 20, 2012
Good Tuesday to you! Has your bracket exploded yet? What about some other sporty terms? Yeah, you know it! Okay, how about a joke or eight?
In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.
Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.
Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.
A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.
Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.
The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.
The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.
And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.
That's all! See you tomorrow!
In election news, Mitt Romney won the Puerto Rico primary, despite pandering awkwardly to the electorate by saying that he loves reggaeton and not being able to vote in presidential elections.
Business news! UPS just bought rival TNT Express for $6.77 billion. Just to be clear, TNT Express is a European delivery service, whereas TNT Network is a Law and Order delivery service.
Monologist Mike Daisey got a standing ovation at his final performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs. At least, that's what he said.
A British medical study found that spaceflight may cause brain and eye damage. Guess it's a good thing we never went to space, right? Also the world is flat.
Comedian Gallagher suffered a heart attack last week, but is reportedly doing much better. Doctors said he came out of his medically induced coma and began immediately telling jokes. We applaud the doctors for resisting the urge to put him back under.
The judge in the Desperate Housewives trial declared a mistrial yesterday, because nothing associated with Desperate Housewives has a reasonable, satisfying conclusion.
The Somali National Theatre reopened this week after being closed for two decades due to the Somali civil war. They would have reopened sooner, actually, but their first production was directed by Julie Taymor.
And finally, the owners of the New York Mets have reached an agreement to repay over $162 million to investors who were duped in the Bernie Madoff scandal. No word yet on reparations for those who were duped into being Mets fans.
That's all! See you tomorrow!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2012
Roll it! We've got some ground to cover. No time for chit chat. None at all. Jokes...
The U.K. is celebrating the 60 years Queen Elizabeth II has spent on the throne. Longest potty-training ever.
Country musician Randy Travis was arrested for public intoxication outside a Texas church this weekend. Fortunately, he can write it off as a business expense.
Scientists from America and Russia are racing to be the first to drill into a newly-discovered Antarctic lake that has been hidden for 20 million years. The first team to find new forms of life gets to name them, and then eat them. Those are the rules of science.
Also, apparently they've never read At the Mountains of Madness.
Cyclist Alberto Contador was stripped of his Tour de France title for doping this week. It's a huge disappointment to his fans, who must now give back all the money they made betting on him. Those are the rules of gambling.
Speaking of gambling, Newt Gingrich edged out Ron Paul for second place in the Nevada primary, but unfortunately still did not cover the spread.
However, Gingrich did receive an endorsement from Chuck Norris yesterday. When asked if this was a purely political decision, Norris replied "this time, it's personal." Then a bunch of ninjas came in and Norris had to fight them off before they were able to talk about climate change.
Google recently hired a top executive away from Apple to work on a "secret project." Sources at Google confirm that it is, in fact, just a really big surprise birthday party.
And finally, 37 million people watched the season premier of The Voice on Sunday, or in other words: 14 times as many people as have voted in the GOP primary race so far. Maybe they could up that number with a crossover...
Congratulations, Whitney, you're no longer the worst thing I've seen on television.
Okay, that's it! See you next time!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - December 14, 2011
No time for banter today. Just jokes.
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is working on a new spaceflight company. Paul, if ever there was a time to prevent crashes, this is it.
Speaking of software giants, the papers from Apple's founding sold at auction for $1.6 million. Steve Wozniak got nothing.
In Vancouver, a bear was seen riding on a garbage truck yesterday. Cops removed him once they realized he wasn't a member of the government employee union. Rules are rules, bear.
The U.S. Mint is phasing out gold coins, much to the disappointment of pirates.
Derek Jeter reportedly had been giving autographed balls to women he has over night stands with. That may seem cold and impersonal, but it's a lot better than the souvenir A-Rod has been giving out.
That would be herpes.
In other health news, rapper 50 Cent is releasing a new health guidebook. It's called Get Fit or Die Trying.
CBS is expanding Face the Nation to one hour, probably because Americans have larger faces today.
And finally, the Oscar award Orson Welles won for Citizen Kane is going up for auction, reminding us all that no matter how great you are in this life, eventually strangers will end up paying through your possessions in search of trinkets. If only there was some sort of film that could drive that message home... Oh well. Maybe someday.
And that's all. Thanks for a great year! See you tomorrow!
Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen is working on a new spaceflight company. Paul, if ever there was a time to prevent crashes, this is it.
Speaking of software giants, the papers from Apple's founding sold at auction for $1.6 million. Steve Wozniak got nothing.
In Vancouver, a bear was seen riding on a garbage truck yesterday. Cops removed him once they realized he wasn't a member of the government employee union. Rules are rules, bear.
The U.S. Mint is phasing out gold coins, much to the disappointment of pirates.
Derek Jeter reportedly had been giving autographed balls to women he has over night stands with. That may seem cold and impersonal, but it's a lot better than the souvenir A-Rod has been giving out.
That would be herpes.
In other health news, rapper 50 Cent is releasing a new health guidebook. It's called Get Fit or Die Trying.
CBS is expanding Face the Nation to one hour, probably because Americans have larger faces today.
And finally, the Oscar award Orson Welles won for Citizen Kane is going up for auction, reminding us all that no matter how great you are in this life, eventually strangers will end up paying through your possessions in search of trinkets. If only there was some sort of film that could drive that message home... Oh well. Maybe someday.
And that's all. Thanks for a great year! See you tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - November 2, 2011
Hey, everyone! It's Wednesday, which means you're as far from the last weekend as you are from the next. It's like purgatory, except it makes sense. Speaking of making sense, I'll be performing Thursday at the Happy Sounds Comedy Show, 8pm at the Creek and Cave in Queens. If you're in the area, come on out! It's free, for crying out loud. Also free: these jokes.
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Arizona authorities busted up a drug ring worth $33million per month because they found out the cartel was using undocumented laborers.
In Japan, the Prime Minister recently drank water from puddles at the Fukushima nuclear reactor to show it was safe. He did it because journalists dared him to. That's also the reason why he was eating worms at a press conference yesterday.
Pizza-man and presidential hopeful Herman Cain denounced the sexual harassment charges against him, calling them a "witch hunt." Christine O'Donnell immediately went into hiding. Because she's a witch.
Relativity Media is shooting a film in the Chinese province of Shandong, despite the fact that Chinese authorities are holding a blind human rights activist under house arrest there. Said a spokesman for the company, "that's okay, he wasn't going to see our movie anyway."
In England, Apple fired an employee for making a disparaging Facebook post about the company, but really it's because he did it using a Blackberry.
Caving in to pressure from customers, Bank of America is cancelling their proposed $5/month debit card fee. Instead, they'll just go back to selling mortgage-backed securities. Everyone wins!
Actress and trainwreck Megan Fox is set to make her Broadway debut this month. Any chance she could join Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark?
Speaking of S-M:TOtD, the musical is about to lose two of its original performers. Careful, you two. I've seen enough Vietnam movies to know it's always the short-timers that get it.
Okay, that's gotta do it for today. Dig deep everyone, and have a great day! I'll see you tomorrow.
Metaphorically, of course. I can't actually see any of you. So you should feel free to continue reading my blog on the toilet in the morning. Nobody can see you but God. Well, that's enough. Bye!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)