Happy Monday!
Jessica Simpson just gave birth to her second child, a beautiful baby boy. She says she's looking forward to no longer being the least-educated person in the room.
This weekend, Jennifer Lopez serenaded the President of Turkemenistan, one of the world's foremost bastard dictators. When asked if she regretted the performance, she said "not as much as Gigli."
In baseball, the Pittsburgh Pirates have won their ninth straight game, leading to speculation that we are in Bizarro World.
Millions of Egyptians have taken to the streets to protest against President Morsi, although some are probably just doing it out of habit at this point.
Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts said this weekend that he thinks the court "asks too many questions." Justice Thomas almost said something in response.
Secretary of State Kerry plans a return trip to the Middle East after his last visit failed to result in an Israeli-Palestinian agreement. If anything will motivate the two sides, it's the looming spectre of continued visits from John Kerry.
Reports are coming in that the NSA taps approximately 500 million calls and Internet links in Germany per month. It's rumored to be the largest collection of milkmaid-themed pornography in the free world.
And finally, in Oregon a couple allowed the customers at a Starbucks to pick the name for their newborn baby. The staff announced the winner, and of course they spelled it wrong.
That's all!
Showing posts with label baseball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baseball. Show all posts
Monday, July 1, 2013
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - October 15, 2012
Happy day, everyone! Let's have some frivolity!
American health insurance provider UnitedHealth is expanding into Brazil. A spokesman said the company is thrilled to have the opportunity to deny claims in a whole new country.
In New Jersey, a patron at McDonald's complained about the restaurant constantly playing Fox News. The man was upset at the restaurant for poisoning his mind, when clearly he only wanted to poison his body.
Physicists Serge Haroche and David Wineland won the Nobel Prize last week for their work with quantum particles, even though they've been completely unable to get Sam Beckett back home.
Don't worry, Sam. Ziggy's working on it.
In other news, skydiver Felix Baumgartner dove from the very upper limits of the atmosphere yesterday, falling fast enough to break the sound barrier. And if he didn't take that opportunity to break wind at the same time, then he's a fool.
In sports news, Yankee's manager Joe Girardi was ejected from a game yesterday for arguing with an umpire over a blown call. The manager later said it's time for baseball to start using instant replay technology, because clearly baseball is just getting far too fast paced and needs to slow things down.
In college football news, Alabama and Florida are at the top of the latest BCS standings. Incidentally, that sentence also works if you replace "BCS standings" with "obesity and diabetes."
Speaking of health, Nestle announced they will cut salt and sugar content in all their children's cereals. They will, of course, be replacing it with trace amounts of crystal methamphetamine.
And finally, sources close to Kim Kardashian report that she's already planning her wedding to Kanye West. She's already got the divorce planned.
Did I do that joke already? Oh, who cares.
See you tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 17, 2012
What a great day for making fun of stuff!
Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?
Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.
In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.
The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."
Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.
In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.
Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.
And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.
Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?
Happy Thursday, ladies. You ready for some jokes?
Hundreds of thousands of red baby crabs are invading the Cayman Islands this month as part of their seasonal migration. But they're not trying to evade taxes. They're animals, not assholes.
In asshole news, John Edwards' defense team rested its case yesterday without calling John Edwards to the stand to defend himself, probably because he still hasn't figured out how.
The trial also ended without calling his ex-mistress Rielle Hunter to the stand, although that's probably because the defense wasn't allowed any "booty calls."
Google announced its new search tool will work more like a human brain, which I'm guessing means search results will be misspelled, forgotten, and mostly porn.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn is countersuing the New York hotel maid who accused him of rape. He's suing her for $1,000,000, because he just can't stop screwing her.
In New York, a paralyzed woman was given a robotic arm that she can control with her thoughts. Previous prototypes were controlled by withholding sex and making passive-aggressive insults.
Speaking of passive-aggressive insults, Major League Baseball will be holding its 2013 All-Star game at the New York Mets' Citi Field.
And finally, the Department of Justice announced it is opening an investigation into the massive losses at JP Morgan Chase. In a related story, a fat guy just opened a new gym membership 10 miles from his house. Neither one is likely to get results.
Sorry for the downer! Let's do this again soon, okay?
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 14, 2012
It's late and I'm tired. Here are some jokes.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
In Los Angeles, a local little league baseball team returned a donation from a neighborhood strip club. It's not that they didn't appreciate the thought, but it turns out players are actually forbidden from wearing uniforms with nipple tassels. It's a safety issue.
Speaking of nipple tassels, representatives from the Malawi government said they are "fed up" with Madonna. Join the club.
Former X-Files star Gillian Anderson told Out magazine that she has had numerous relationships with women over the years, which proves the theory that if enough nerds wish hard enough, dreams can come true. And by "hard enough" I do mean "with erect penises." And by "dreams" I mean "sex dreams."
Speaking of dreams coming true, KISS rocker Gene Simmons is opening a restaurant chain. Be sure and try the tongue sandwich. But watch out for the ketchup. IT'S BLOOD!
Retail megalith Wal-Mart will soon be offering a "disc-to-digital" cloud service for DVDs sold in their stores, so you can watch Larry the Cable Guy anywhere.
In Atlanta, a Delta Airlines jet suffered serious damage when it rolled off the taxiway this weekend. Or is it just the worst bus service available? Either way, it's still better than United.
DAMN YOU, UNITED!
In Iran, government representatives canceled a planned ceremony to honor Oscar winner Asghar Farhadi, much to the chagrin of Bruce Vilanch and the 45 minutes of shitty jokes he wrote in Farsi.
And finally, former Vice President Richard "Penis" Cheney canceled an upcoming trip to Canada. Seems he just didn't have the heart for it.
There it is. For better or not so better. See you tomorrow.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - March 5, 2012
Oh, happy Monday my friends. Did you have an amazing weekend? Then keep it to yourself. I spent all weekend seeing just how many cubic feet of Kleenex I could soil with only the power of my nose. It's a sizable number. But in between, I was able to craft you these jokes. Don't worry, I washed my hands first.
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
North Korea agreed to halt its uranium enrichment program in exchange for food. So now that it's worked once, you should expect to see homeless people carrying that on cardboard signs from now on.
In Japan, researchers created violin strings out of spider silk. They say the sound is great, but you have to keep stopping the music to clean off all the flies that get stuck to it.
In spring training baseball news, Atlanta Braves' Julio Teheran gave up six home runs against the Detroit Tigers, which makes him the best thing to happen to the Tigers in decades.
Following Rush Limbaugh's latest douchbaggery, seven advertisers have pulled out of his show. If he loses any more, he'll end up on NBC.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin declared victory in the recent presidential "elections." Still not sure why he made the air quote symbol when he did it.
George Clooney took to the stage this weekend in a play based on the anti-gay marriage referendum Proposition 8. Clooney said he wants all people to have the same rights he does. Namely, the right to decide to never, ever get married. Ever.
Actor John Cusack said in an interview this weekend that making a sequel to his 1997 film Con Air 2 "would be fun." He then added, "no, I never actually watched the first one all the way through. Why do you ask?"
And finally, computer hackers reportedly took control of key NASA computers in 2011.
...wait a minute. I think it's time for a PUNCHLINE SWARM! Let's go!
...Authorities were astounded to hear that any hackers were still familiar with TANDY machines.
...The surprising thing is that any key NASA computers were actually turned on in 2011.
...NASA reportedly will have to spend thousands of dollars re-installing special-effects software on the machines.
...It was really easy. They just bought the machines at a garage sale.
...That would explain why ICanHazCheezburger.com turned into ICanHazFreezDriedIceCream.com
...Thank goodness NASA doesn't actually do anything.
Okay, that's all for now! Please feel free to post your own punchline. Maybe I'll retweet it. I'm probably not going to do that. I shouldn't make that promise. But it could still be fun, and shoutouts could be had! Till tomorrow, keep watching the skies!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - October 19, 2011
Welcome to the mid-week awesome blast! Whoo, I'm tired. Alright.
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
At the GOP debate last night, Herman Cain blamed America's economic troubles on the unemployed, eliciting cheers of approval from the audience. It's not surprising that they would react like that, though. After all, I'd probably cheer if someone mentioned me on TV.
U.S. lawmakers are trying to ban tobacco products from this year's World Series broadcasts in the hopes that young children won't be encouraged to try tobacco products. Steroids are still cool, though.
Not cool, however, is Susan Sarandon calling Pope Benedict a Nazi. Jewish and Catholic groups are up in arms over this affront, pointing out that it's actually been decades since he was a Nazi. You know who else is upset by this? People who take grammar way too seriously.
Remember that NYPD supervisor who pepper sprayed those ladies at the Occupy Wall Street rally a few weeks ago? He's facing some disciplinary action over the incident, and may be losing 10 vacation days as a result. Seems like a good idea. Let's put this guy back on the street as soon as possible, and also make it harder for him to relax, because he's obviously not stressed out already. Yep, this is going to work out just fine.
In happier news, Israeli soldier Gilad Shalit was freed from Hamas captivity after 5 years of confinement. Welcome home, Gilad. Psst! Nobody tell him how LOST ended!
Scientists are close to a Malaria vaccine, thereby erasing the only cool thing about having Sickle Cell Anemia. Way to go, science.
A new biography of Vincent Van Gogh proposes that the famed painter was accidentally shot to death by rude teenagers, not as a result of suicide. The case will be dramatized in an upcoming episode of CSI: Louvre.
And finally, law enforcement officials report that Mexican drug cartels are recruiting Texas children as young as 11 into the cartels. See, Mexico? It's not so cool when people start taking your jobs.
Okay, that's the end for today. But tomorrow is a new beginning, right?
Right. Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 31, 2011
Hey! It's another edition of Way Back Wednesday! I wonder... what was happening in August of 1981...
Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?
Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."
What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.
Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.
IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.
In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.
Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.
And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.
Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!
Till then, have a great day.
Listen up, dweebs! A new cable network just started up called Music Television. What's cable? I don't know! Only 25% of American households have it, and only 800,000 of those people can see this new "MTV," but that doesn't matter, because it's cool! How do we know? Well, it's broadcasting out of a studio in Fort Lee, New Jersey. That's pretty cool, right?
Speaking of cool, Washington Post reporter Lou Cannon just coined a new nickname for President Reagan: "The Great Communicator." It replaces his old nickname: "Good Talker Guy."
What else is new? Well, in California, lingerie designer Frederick's of Hollywood introduced a brand new style of ladies' underpants to Americans, called a "thong." It's designed to finally answer the question, "what's it like to get a paper cut on your anus?" Oh, fashion.
Earlier this month, President Reagan fired over 11,000 professional air traffic controllers who went on strike, demanding, among other things, increased rest periods between shifts. Well, glad that got cleared up. Buncha sissies, asking for sleep.
IBM unveiled a new "personal computer" this month. It's packed with 16 kilobytes of random access memory, a price tag of $1,565 and comes pre-loaded with three different viruses. Oh, and it's also got porn.
In France, the national government finally relaxed it's monopoly on radio stations. Congratulations, France: now you, too, can enjoy all the crappy radio morning shows that define a democracy.
Back in America, the Major League Baseball strike ended without the President firing them all. The season will play out normally from this point, with all teams at a record of 0-0, which is the best position Cubs have had this late in the season for decades.
And lastly, the deep space probe Voyager 2 passed within 41,000 kilometers of Saturn this month, which was sadly not quite close enough to drop off the two tons of Chinese take-out menus it carried from Cape Canaveral. Next time, boys.
Okay, that's all! Let's all go watch The Empire Strikes Back!
Till then, have a great day.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2011
Today is a momentous day, everyone. Five years ago, I performed standup comedy for the first time. So, according to Malcolm Gladwell, I'm halfway to being good. Oh, oh. We're halfway there. Here's some jokes.
Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.
In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.
In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.
In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.
In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.
In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"
In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.
And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.
Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.
In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.
In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.
In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.
In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.
In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"
In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.
And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.
Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)