Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 24, 2012

It's Tuesday. So blah. How do you make Tuesday sexy? Well, I don't know. Maybe some slutty-looking lingerie? I'd probably enjoy seeing that. Okay, I guess that's creepy enough for now. Please partake in some slutty-looking jokes.

In Mexico, Wal-Mart executives apparently bribed government officials all over the country. But good news, they used cheap, Chinese-made bribes and passed the savings on to the consumer. That's the free market, baby!

Speaking of the free market, you know what happens when you don't regulate it? Well, first you get bribes, then you get drug cartels. Just a thought...

In Florida, the Sanford city council rejected Police Chief Bill Lee's resignation yesterday. How much must he suck if he can't even quit successfully?

Speaking of successfully quitting, Speaker John Boehner said recently that the GOP has a one in three chance of losing the House of Representatives. There's also a one in one chance that Speaker Boehner will cry creepily, no matter what happens.

Lyudmila Putin, wife of Vladimir Putin, has disappeared from the public eye in the last week, leading to speculation that she is either ill, pregnant, or was found out to be a double agent.


Oh, and Chris Brown is now selling puppies online. And I was wondering, "how can we make puppies sinister?"


X-Factor host Simon Cowell confirmed in his recent memoir that he is not gay, just a catty asshole.


Newt Gingrich is supporting an anti-gay marriage amendment in North Carolina, which  may be the best news for gay marriage this month.

And finally, the U.S. Army canceled a planned Ted Nugent concert after he kinda threatened to try to kill the President. Also, since it was revealed that he illegally killed a black bear, he's now been banned from the Country Bear Jamboree.

That's all! Tomorrow! Bye!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 27, 2012

Welcome back! Let's see, where were we? Oh, yeah.

This weekend, the Archbishop of Canterbury used his time at the pulpit to publicly attack what he called "welfarism" in the UK, saying that it is unhealthy for people to depend on handouts from the government. Donation plates were then passed around.

In London, a woman was charged with breaking into Simon Cowell's house. Not only is she facing jail time, but also a withering rebuke-filled assessment of her performance in the crime from Mr. Cowell. Time served, I say.

Remember Mike Daisey and The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs? Remember how Change.org started a petition online to protect Chinese workers' rights? Well, now that the story has been discredited, organizers are trying to recall the petition. But mainly because they think that most of the 250,000 signatures are names that Mike Daisey made up.

Dolly Parton's workplace musical 9 to 5 is set for its UK debut, although it is now being promoted as a fantasy, due to the fact that all the characters have full-time jobs.

Blogging website Tumblr will start banning all blogs devoted to "harming oneself," which means they'll be taking down all the Jersey Shore recaps. Amirite?! Also, people cutting themselves and engaging in eating disorders. Which are marginally more disgusting than Paulie D.

Mad Men is back, so now we can all get back to pretending it's our favorite show.

Correction from yesterday: Gallagher is not retiring, he's just refocusing on his health. And if he goes after his health with the same focus and dedication he applied to improving his comedy, he'll be dead in a week.

And finally, drivers for a medical marijuana delivery company reported that a group of men "dressed as ninjas" robbed their truck recently. Yeah, of course they did.

Okay, that's all. Come back tomorrow for more free entertainment worth every penny!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - May 10, 2011

Welcome to your Tuesday! Thanks for stopping by. This is a big week for fashion. I don't know if you heard about this or not, but I bought some new boxer shorts. Yeah, I don't want to say my old boxers were out-dated, but they still thought Lewinsky jokes were funny. Yep, they're mad we boycotted the 1980 Olympics. We did that, right? Why am I talking about my underwear so much? Let's get into it, okay? If you still want to hear about my drawers later, we can work something out.

Speaking of working things out, Pakistan has taken custody of Osama Bin Laden's many widows, and won't allow any representatives from the United States to speak with them. I think it's less about politics and national security, and more that Pakistan is worried that we'll put them all on next season of the Real Housewives. Pretty sure Bravo would do that if they had the chance.

How about this one, did you guys see this? The space shuttle Endeavor has had its final launch delayed once again. Apparently it's getting harder and harder for NASA to find computer animators with security clearance. 'Cause the spaceflights are faked. That's the point of that one. Okay...

In other fake reality news, Bristol Palin announced yesterday that she's getting her own reality show on the Biography channel. She put out a statement about it, actually, where she said "I feel so blessed to have yet another opportunity to be a star, for no reason whatsoever. And remember, kids, none of this would have been possible if I didn't have awful taste in men and an even worse understanding of contraceptives. So go on, chase your dreams, and don't forget to make terrible decisions! I'm sure it will work out just as well for you!"

Good for her, right? But too bad about Phil Jackson. You all saw this, right? After the Lakers got swept out of the playoffs by the Dallas Mavericks, of all teams, he announced he was retiring. Apparently he was concerned that the team might somehow succeed in being even more embarrassing next year, so he had to get out. My school's football coach did the same thing.

Mel Gibson, on the other hand, has no idea when to quit. His new movie, Beaver, bombed at the box office this weekend. Critics are panning the film, saying it has no likeable characters, poor performances and a three-horned sigil of doom from the Elders of Zion, who have declared the movie a failure. Better luck next time, Mel. Actually, no; I hope you have worse luck.

Back in the United Kingdom, the birthplace of class, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, whom we all love, is testifying in a bribery case, where he stands accused of paying UK lawyer David Mills for false testimony. The incredulous Berlusconi reportedly said "I can't believe this, I'm in a courtroom and no one's talking about my penis! Come on, someone has to mention it, right? It's getting weird, let's just talk about it and get it out of the way. Would it help if I pulled it out? Where's that new Duchess I've heard so muchess about? Ha! You see what I did?" He's a cartoon character. From a slutty cartoon.

Speaking of sluts, a movement recently started in Toronto called "Slutwalks." Calm down. It's an international women's rights movement that started after the Toronto Police Department said that women should avoid "dressing like sluts" to cut down on sex crimes. For some reason, this didn't sit well with the city's women, who have taken to the streets to demand their right to dress like sluts. That's what it's about, right? I tried to read some stories about it today, but I kept getting distracted by the pictures.

And lastly, another easily distracted person, Ms. Paula Abdul, just announced she will be joining Simon Cowell on the new American version of X Factor, proving once and for all that nobody wants to work with Randy. Seriously, that guy must be putting out some serious jerk vibes. Maybe he kept hogging all the painkillers and ridiculously tight black t-shirts.

Alright, that's it for now. You're going to have to get through the rest of your day without any more jokes from me, unless I post some on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/sooneresth. You might check it and see! Or else wait until tomorrow.

Until then, have a great day!

Monday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2011

Okay, Monday. I don't like you, and you don't like me. So let's get this over with and go our separate ways. I wonder how many blind dates this week will at some point include that sentiment.

In Washington State, high school janitor Tyrone Curry donated $40,000 to the school to complete a new race track for the students. In his honor, the cafeteria will now serve Tyrone Curry Chicken every Tuesday.  In a related story, Mr. Curry will now be teaching Economics at the school, or as it will be known in the classes, "Tyron-omics."

In his Easter sermon this weekend, Pope Benedict turned the power of the Papacy to events in Africa, and urged for diplomacy in Libya to end the violence. This is great news, as things have always improved for Africans once Europeans decide to get involved their lives. Oh, and how's that whole AIDS vs. Condoms thing working out?

A new museum, called MoMath, is being planned for New York. The goal of the organization is to encourage math appreciation among visitors. A spokesman for the organization said "hey, you guys! Let me out of this locker! And gimme back my underpants! Come on!"

In Afghanistan, local authorities are stepping up efforts to curtail the illegal trade in stolen and fake police uniforms. At least, they said they were local authorities...

In politics, GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Santorum said this weekend that he still regrets voting for the extension of Medicare Part D benefits, as that vote makes it harder for voters to take him seriously when talking about reducing the deficit. Also making it harder for voters to take him seriously: Google.

Elsewhere in politics, Sen. James Coburn (R-OK) said that he was in favor increasing government fundraising through the closing of existing tax loopholes. The Senator assured his supporters, however, that "despite supporting this clearly logical position, I am still as batshit crazy as ever."

In entertainment news, television personality and host of X Factor, Simon Cowell, responded this weekend to rumors that Paula Abdul would be a guest star on the program. He clarified by saying "Paula Abdul will not be a judge on X Factor. What I actually said was, all the X she's on will be a factor in Paula Abdul's judgment. She likes pills, people! Why are we not staging an intervention!"

And lastly, a small plane filled with cocaine crashed into a New Mexico lake this weekend. Local authorities became suspicious when they noticed that fish in the lake would not stop talking.

That's it. Take it for what it's worth. See you tomorrow, and hope you have a great day!