There's only one Emmy joke in here. If that's what you came for, then you'll be disappointed. Just like the people who watched the Emmys, probably. Okay, let's get to it.
At the Emmys last night, Charlie Sheen made a surprise appearance, offering his support and well-wishes to his former show, Two and a Half Men. This can only mean one thing: LA's cocaine supply has been spiked with Prozac.
Singer and Twitter-survivor John Mayer canceled a series of concerts due to illness. Mayer said he was suffering from "something next to my vocal cords called a granuloma." Our medical experts inform us it's often caused by being a douchebag.
Did you hear about UBS and the rogue trader? The Swiss bank lost over $2.3billion this year, which is probably the most Nazi gold ever lost in a single year. Other than 1945, that is.
Egypt scheduled their first free elections for November 21st. Sarah Palin has denied that she's running.
Award-winning writer Aaron Sorkin broke his nose recently while working on a script. Apparently cocaine is a lot heavier than he remembered.
An exhibit of John Wayne film artifacts opened in NYC this month. You can see the eye patch he wore for True Grit and the thimble he wore for stunt work.
That's a dick joke. Two cocaine jokes and a Hollywood penis joke in one post? What is this, Perez Hilton?
Okay.
In London, Paul McCartney married his third wife at the same venue where he married his first wife. Do they have a repeat customer discount?
And finally Tareq Salahi filed for divorce on Friday, saying that his wife is having an affair with the guitarist for Journey. Sucks when someone crashes your party, huh?
That's it. This hasn't been the smartest comedy I've ever written. Hope you still respect me, and come back for more high-minded satire tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Showing posts with label ubs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ubs. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 18, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
Swiss banking giant UBS AG announced it is revising its amazingly detailed employee dress and conduct code after a copy was circulated on the Internet. The 44-page document outlined proper underwear colors, acceptable hairstyles, gave tips on how to repair torn stockings and instructed employees to avoid garlic and onions. Glad to see they've been concentrating on the important stuff. Can't imagine how that whole "global banking meltdown" thing happened.
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