Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 15, 2012

And so begins another Wednesday. Did you have an awesome Valentine's Day? Well if you did, keep it to yourself. Nobody likes to hear about that crap.

Now, for some other crap:

A dozen people formed an anti-Romney protest outside the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show in New York. Romney later said "what a bunch of bitches," but it's not clear what he... 'cause "bitch" also means "female dog." Oh, whatever.

In more animal news, a California animal welfare group is targeting feral cats for sterilization to control their numbers. No word yet if a similar group is targeting feral douchebags.

Topless ladies in Russia came out to protest against Gazprom and Vladimir Putin yesterday. The group, FEMEN, will be featured in the upcoming Girls Gone Political DVD series.

Go ahead and Google them. I can wait.

Musician and roaster Kenny Rogers is suing Capitol Records over unauthorized use of his music and the mullet haircut.

Musician and activist Shakira was attacked by a sea lion while taking its picture this weekend. In a related story, Sean Penn has been training sea lions.

Teenage model Kate Upton landed on the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, breaking with their long tradition of ugly hags.

Go ahead and Google it. I can wait.

A group of Mormons revealed that they baptized the extremely Jewish parents of Nazi-hunter Simon Wiesenthal (even though they were dead). If that's not strange enough, they also went ahead and registered for Christening gifts on Amazon.com.

And finally, in Washington State, protesters from the Occupy movement interrupted a Rick Santorum event, causing the candidate to say they represented "true intolerance." He then demanded a royalty payment for their unauthorized use of intolerance.

That's the end of Wednesday. ALL HAIL WEDNESDAY! Come back tomorrow for more hailing.

Friday's with Spencer

Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark recently topped the play Wicked in ticket sales, despite only having preview showings. Turn Off the Dark will continue to do well until the entire cast is decapitated.