Tennis star James Blake met with NYC Mayor Bill DeBlasio yesterday to discuss the NYPD officer who assaulted and tackled Blake recently outside his hotel. Blake said it was a productive meeting, and as a result he's been offered a position with the New York Giants, training Eli Manning in the proper way to go down when tackled.
Presidential hopeful Scott Walker dropped out of the race yesterday. Already the other candidates are fighting over his donor network, while Donald Trump laid claim to Walker's haircut.
Walker's departure comes just after Dr. Ben Carson announced he would never support a Muslim candidate for President unless he renounced sharia law. Coincidence? Or is Scott Walker secretly Muslim?!
Former hedge fund asshole Martin Shkreli just bought up the patent for a 62-year-old medicine used to treat AIDS complications, and jacked up the price from $13.50 to $750 per pill. The drug, Daraprim, is used by patients with compromised immune systems, like children, the elderly and AIDS patients, to fight off toxoplasmosis, an opportunistic parasite spread through feces, which also seems to be an accurate way to describe Mr. Shkreli.
Hillary Clinton is proposing a price cap on prescription drugs of $250 per month...
... because Bill's Viagra was breaking the bank.
... because she's in the pocket of the Big People Who Want To Continue Living lobby.
... so expect Walgreen's and CVS to start charging $400 for plastic pill bottles.
... but don't worry, heroin is not covered.
In other news, scientists have created a computer capable of passing high school geometry, but they still can't make one that is any good at talking to girls.
Showing posts with label nerds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nerds. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Thursday, September 17, 2015
September 17, 2015: It's All Whataburger Under the Bridge
In Texas yesterday a 14-year-old kid was arrested for bringing a science project to school. Before you jump to any conclusions and start praising our nation's nerd-shaming capabilities, you should know that the school cops thought the project was a bomb, possibly because the kid's name is Ahmed Mohamed. Sure, this sounds bad, and it makes our country look bad, but at least they didn't shoot the kid. Silver lining, America.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
In other Texas news, a north Texas Whataburger employee was fired after refusing to serve burgers to two officers. What's really sad about this story is that the employee was actually trying to protect the officers. Well, trying to protect their colons, anyway.
Speaking of total colons, Tom Brady just announced his support for Donald Trump in the presidential elections. We get it, Tom: you're a villain now. There hasn't been a face/heel turn so blatant since the great wrestler King Karl reinvented himself as Heinrich the Orphan-Kicker.
Oh, also: Tom Brady likes Donald Trump something something something because he's full of hot air or whatever.
In the run-up to the GOP debate last night, President Obama said there was nothing patriotic about "talking down America" to score points with voters. He got pretty intense about it, but you should hear how angry he gets when people starting talkin' smack about Kenya.
In other international news, Hungary started using tear gas and water cannons to fight back expats trying to get through a razor-wire fence and minefields in order to seek asylum in Serbia. Pretty sure that if the razor-wire, landmines, and Serbia don't deter you, a little water and tear gas won't make much difference.
In news of how American intervention in the middle east is always a good thing: a top US commander just confirmed that only four or five of the Pentagon-trained fighters are in Syria right now. That's not even enough fighters for an Expendables sequel. Although in this case, it's clear that they are far more expendable to the US than anyone in those films.
Researchers from Dartmouth uncovered evidence that rising temperatures in the arctic are disproportionately benefiting mosquitoes, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the GOP is in the pocket of the big mosquito lobby. Bunch of bloodsuckers.
And finally, the Olive Garden is back in the news with their Pasta Pass, a $100 card that allows guests to eat as much pasta as they can for seven weeks. An employee at a north Texas location was just fired for refusing to sell passes to two cops.
Also, the Pasta Pass comes with complimentary Rohypnol, so you can dose yourself at the start of the meal and blackout all the shameful things you are about to do.
That's it! Now go forth and do shameful things.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - May 30, 2013
A team of scientists just built a machine that can identify a piece of Western music after hearing just three notes. Next, the team will build a machine that can identify a use for the previous machine.
A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.
Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.
Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.
Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.
Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?
But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.
A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.
That's all!
A recent survey of human resources departments revealed that 1 out of 10 people between the ages of 16 to 34 have been denied jobs because of inappropriate comments made on social networking sites. The other 9 were denied jobs because the economy is so shitty.
Motorola announced a new factory in Texas, where they will make the first American smartphones. They also announced plans for a great big time machine to send the phones back to 2004, when people still wanted Motorola phones.
Derek Jeter was back on the field today, playing catch after having his immobilizing boot removed from his foot. Apparently Jeter was parked illegally in a handicapped space over night.
Physicists working for the National Institute of Standards and Technology have created the world's most accurate clock. Or is it? No, it is. It can tell you, to the millisecond, when the next episode of Dr. Who will air.
Following a concerted effort from feminist groups, Facebook agreed to take down pages promoting violence and hate speech. And replaced 'em with pages about nagging, amirite?
But seriously, Facebook specifically targeted pages glorifying domestic violence and removed them from the network. In a related story, Chris Brown and Roman Polanski are all over Myspace now.
A penguin briefly escaped its enclosure at SeaWorld recently. It took quite a while to find the little fellow, as he blended in perfectly with the guests for the annual black tie benefit gala.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy warned that the "war on drugs," and intravenous drugs in particular, is actually fueling a worldwide pandemic of hepatitis C. And Tommy Lee isn't helping.
That's all!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - April 25, 2012
Goodness, it's already Wednesday! Well done, everyone. We'll get through this together. And we'll get through this blog post, by gum. This message was brought to you by gum. BUY GUM! I think I need more sleep.
In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.
A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.
A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.
In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.
Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.
A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.
Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.
And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.
Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!
In Pennsylvania, a man filed a lawsuit against the makers of the Assassin's Creed videogame, accusing them of copyright infringement and demanding to stop the release of the newest installment of the popular series. And yes, he will be likely be assassinated by a nerd.
A recent medical study found deaths from measles are falling, which should make it easier to get to Oregon.
A survey of recent college graduates found that half of the graduates are currently jobless. The other half were not Liberal Arts majors.
In Burma, Aung San Suu Kyi is boycotting the Burmese parliament over an oath of office she refuses to honor. A junta spokesman offered to let her work from home instead.
Young people news! After reading the Hunger Games novels, school age children across America are showing an increased interest in archery and, as a result, puncture wounds.
A consortium of investors are coming together to explore the possibility of launching missions to space to blast apart asteroids in search of rare minerals. That name of the consortium? Atari.
Russian whalers and biologists have taken to the arctic sea in search of a rare, all-white killer whale, because that sort of thing always turns out well.
And finally, an 8-foot tall bronze statue of Willie Nelson was unveiled in Austin last week. It's surprising that the singer has been bronzed, considering how much time he spends stoned.
Wokka, wokka, wokka. See you tomorrow!
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - August 2, 2011
Today is a momentous day, everyone. Five years ago, I performed standup comedy for the first time. So, according to Malcolm Gladwell, I'm halfway to being good. Oh, oh. We're halfway there. Here's some jokes.
Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.
In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.
In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.
In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.
In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.
In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"
In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.
And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.
Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Speaking of five year anniversaries, Mel Gibson recently celebrated his fifth year of sobriety. Congratulations, Mel! Thanks to sobriety, he's found clarity and inner peace that has really allowed him to focus in and do great things with his anti-Semitism.
In less happy news, Ford is recalling 1.2 million pick-up trucks because there's a chance the gas tanks will fall out and explode. In a related story, Ford will be providing sponsorship and transportation for this year's Burning Man festival.
In television news, NBC executives are calling on Will Ferrell, Sean Hayes and other past stars of the network to help revitalize the network, which is currently in fourth place. Paul Reiser was not invited.
In legal news, the woman accused of burglarizing the hotel room of Jeopardy host, Alex Trebek, recently pled "not guilty" to charges that she broke in and robbed Trebek while he slept. And no, she did not phrase her plea in the form of a question. Because that's not how the criminal justice system works. I learned that from The Wire.
In entertainment news, actress Sissy Spacek finally received her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday. The unveiling proceeded smoothly until someone dumped a bucket of pigs' blood on her head and she killed everyone with her telekinesis. Yes, that's what happened.
In China, retailers are stealing the IKEA business model and selling their own furniture directly to Chinese consumers after factory owners realized "hey, we can make shitty furniture, too!"
In sports news, the Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game in franchise history this week. But they're still doing better than NBC.
And finally, a study released last week indicated that people who use Microsoft's Internet Explorer to surf the web have, on average, an IQ 20 points below the national average. I'm guessing that's still substantially higher than the people who made Internet Explorer. The study was conducted by the Asshole Nerd Institute, proving once again that even nerds can be smarmy, condescending dicks.
Well, that's all. Did the economy collapse yet? If not, we'll try it again tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 4, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Kim Kardashian performed her new single at a New Years Eve party, ensuring that whatever else happens in music throughout the course of the year, it will be an improvement.
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