Zoologists have found that dolphins possess the longest memories in the animal kingdom, which is probably why they quit loaning me money.
In Detroit, auto industry representatives put forward a brave face yesterday, claiming that young people will start buying cars again, even in this economy. They just need to move back in with their parents, first.
Former President George W. Bush underwent heart surgery yesterday to put in a stent. The surgery was a success, and the former First Dude reminded America of the importance of regular checkups. Oh, and of having health insurance so you can get them.
And yesterday Detroit held elections for "Mayor." Election officials are still tallying up the large number of write-in ballots. Leading among them is a strong contender named "Dear God Why Won't Someone Help Us?"
In College Hill, Ohio, a man crashed his car into a gas station and then escaped by hailing a nearby cab. So, authorities are looking for a white suspect.
On an appearance on The Tonight Show this week, President Obama told Jay Leno "there is no domestic spying program." To which Leno replied "I haven't even asked you a question yet..."
Also in Obama news, the President is upset with Russia for granting NSA leaker Edward Snowden temporary asylum in Russia. To make things more unpleasant for Mr. Snowden, the White House has been releasing reports that Snowden is gay. Because Russia really doesn't like gay people.
And finally, Chinese doctors report that the bird flu is now passing between humans for the first time. So, if you've been holding off on making out with a bird, now there's nothing stopping you.
Later!
Showing posts with label bird flu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bird flu. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 25, 2013
Jim Carrey said yesterday that he can no longer support his own film, Kick-Ass 2, due to it's objectionable content. Yet he still stands behind Batman Forever.
Coy Mathis, a 6 year-old transgender girl in Colorado, just won a seven-month legal battle to gain the right to use the girls' restroom at her school. And just in time, because seven months is a loooooong time to hold it.
George Lucas just got married. Thankfully, he did not write the vows.
NBA legend Scottie Pippen was questioned by police about his involvement in an altercation that sent a man to the hospital. Probably because Scottie hit the dude with all his NBA Championship Rings! What you got, LeBron? Two? That's not gonna send anyone to an urgent care clinic.
Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to prison and banned from office for having sex with an underage girl. He nearly got away with it, though, but he made the fatal mistake of being a complete scum ball.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden pulled a feint and did not show up for his flight from Moscow to Havana. He is becoming the hardest guy to plan a surprise party for.
Tennis star and culture-critic Serena Williams apologized again for making an insensitive comment about the Steubenville rape victim. Serena said "I can't believe I put myself in this position."
And finally, according to the CDC, the newest strain of the bird flu "kills more than a third" of its victims. So it's a bad day to be a bird! Or a person. Seriously.
Bye!
Coy Mathis, a 6 year-old transgender girl in Colorado, just won a seven-month legal battle to gain the right to use the girls' restroom at her school. And just in time, because seven months is a loooooong time to hold it.
George Lucas just got married. Thankfully, he did not write the vows.
NBA legend Scottie Pippen was questioned by police about his involvement in an altercation that sent a man to the hospital. Probably because Scottie hit the dude with all his NBA Championship Rings! What you got, LeBron? Two? That's not gonna send anyone to an urgent care clinic.
Silvio Berlusconi was sentenced to prison and banned from office for having sex with an underage girl. He nearly got away with it, though, but he made the fatal mistake of being a complete scum ball.
NSA leaker Edward Snowden pulled a feint and did not show up for his flight from Moscow to Havana. He is becoming the hardest guy to plan a surprise party for.
Tennis star and culture-critic Serena Williams apologized again for making an insensitive comment about the Steubenville rape victim. Serena said "I can't believe I put myself in this position."
And finally, according to the CDC, the newest strain of the bird flu "kills more than a third" of its victims. So it's a bad day to be a bird! Or a person. Seriously.
Bye!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Thursday Morning Monologue - April 11, 2013
Hey, where ya been?
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
In a really bizarre story, a young Florida couple kidnapped their own children from their grandparents and then sailed to Cuba. Apparently to meet Jay-Z and Beyonce. Ultimately the fugitives were located, and Cuban authorities agreed to return them to the U.S. And the worst part about this is now these kids will be forced to grow up in Florida.
A British study found that children who regularly eat cereal for breakfast have a lower body mass index than children who don't. Conversely, adults who eat breakfast cereal for dinner are usually fatasses.
The H7N1 Bird Flu strain was found in South African ostrich farms, which is bad news for budget-conscious grocery shoppers hoping to score some reasonably-priced ostrich.
Japan will start making its own jets, hoping to become a major player in the international jet industry. And they'll succeed, especially if they can make sure their jets transform into giant robots.
Former President Bill Clinton just joined Twitter, and we're all looking forward to when he "accidentally" tweets a picture of his "Rep. Weiner."
A nun plead guilty to stealing over $100,000 in church funds to support her gambling habit. Incidentally, "gambling habit" is what she called her lucky clothes.
Due to the sequester, the U.S. Navy canceled all appearances by the Blue Angels stunt team at air shows for the coming year. And that's fine, because ultimately the private industry is much better at creating air show disasters.
And finally, speaking of disasters, Julie Taymor finally settled her legal dispute with the producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Under the settlement, Ms. Taymor will receive an undisclosed sum of money, and she'll get to break the legs of one dancer for each year the play runs.
And that's it!
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