Well. A little bit has transpired since last I wrote in this blog. It's like we're living in a weird alternate universe, like the place a sci-fi protagonist has to escape from to get back to the "real" reality. It's incredibly surreal, but we now live in a world where the Cubs won the World Series.
Some other shit happened, too, but past is merely prologue and the present is just a prolapse.
Here's some jokes.
In the opening shot of a new North American trade war, Taco Bell announced they will soon be selling beer in Canada. Unfortunately, to get the beer you will have to purchase Taco Bell. Canada was still reeling from the WTO ruling that the sale of Tim Horton's coffee was considered "dumping."
Scientists have created an artificial womb to help premature babies develop after birth. The device was based on research discovered at a defunct lab dedicated to finding new weird-ass places for Michael Jackson to sleep.
Failed CEO Marissa Mayer's stake in failed internet giant Yahoo is now valued at $186 million. But that's nothing compared to the stock options Pres. Trump will cash in when he sells us off.
Fast-casual restaurant chain Chipotle announced sales growth this year, and is exploring a new dessert option: Death By Chocolate. It's a departure from their previous after-dinner treat: Wish You Were Dead By Diarrhea.
Pres. Trump is re-evaluating how U.S. national monuments are created and how we can go about adding shitty golf courses to them.
China recently launched it's first domestically built aircraft carrier. The ship is a major coup for the Chinese manufacturing industry, which managed to build the entire thing out of old iPhone 6 parts.
Former Pres. Obama is in hot water with progressives after accepting $400,000 for a private speech to a Wall Street bank. They'd be even more pissed off if they knew that the speech was delivered via an unmanned drone strike.
The U.S. military is installing a "missile defense" system in South Korea in preparation for the upcoming Korean War II. Alan Alda is already at work on the M*A*S*H reboot.
The Trump administration has a record number of vacant positions, which is extremely frustrating for Russian spies.
Ivanka Trump was jeered in Germany for defending her father at a recent public meeting. And this is a nation that is still on board with David Hasselhoff's chest hair and leather shorts.
Pres. Trump is proposing changes to the tax law that would increase the number of deductions people can take. Some people accused Trump of self-dealing, but he will actually be unable to take advantage of the changes as they only apply to people who pay taxes.
Michael Flynn is hoping that Turkish Lira are going to be deductible. Or at least that they'll be accepted in the prison commissary.
/end
Showing posts with label michael jackson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label michael jackson. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 16, 2013
Twinkies are coming back, but the bad news is they're coming back smaller. But don't worry, the size of your ass will remain unchanged.
Warren Buffett is sponsoring a class in Internet philanthropy. Students will be giving away $100,000 of his money online. Truly a great day for Nigerian princes.
Scientists are predicting that soon the majority of our farming will be done by robots. So long as they have an open expansion slot for their green card.
Radiohead pulled its albums off of Spotify in protest of their payment structure. Fortunately, the albums are still available wherever fine music is stolen.
Geologists confirmed that volcanoes emit a high pitched noise, or scream, before eruption. Just one more way I'm like a volcano.
Anti-vaccine activist and general moron Jenny McCarthy just got hired for The View, or as it will be called next season, The Uninformed and Dangerously Stupid Opinion.
Experts testified yesterday that Michael Jackson stood to earn one billion dollars on his comeback tour. In MJ terms that's over 1000 chimpanzees and 300 giraffes. After taxes.
And finally, Texas state senator Wendy Davis reaped over one million dollars in campaign contributions following her recent filibuster, making her the best paid loiterer in history.
See ya tomorrow!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - March 6, 2012
Okay, here we go. Can you overdose on Vitamin C? I'm gonna find out. While I do that, enjoy these jokes!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
The Rolling Stones released a 50th anniversary photo book. If you flip the pages backwards really fast, you can actually see them become relevant.
A Spanish bullfighter who lost sight in one eye and has partial facial paralysis after being gored by a bull returned to the ring this weekend for some reason.
Japanese scientists found that Vitamin E may be bad for bones, and recommend that you don't rub Vitamin E directly into your bones.
Sony music confirmed all of Michael Jackson's music was stolen by hackers. His credit card numbers are intact. Sure there's something in there about another black musician's work being stolen, too.
Gripevine.com is a new web service where you can gripe about companies that irritate you. And I've been trying for half an hour to post a review, but the stupid interface isn't working! If only there was some place, where I could vent my frustration...
AOL just dropped Rush Limbaugh over his "slut" comments from last week. They were getting complaints from users who were having trouble searching for actual sluts.
Limbaugh yesterday said that his apology to Fluke was "heartfelt," although he did mispronounce the word.
And finally, Vladimir Putin has already declared victory in the GOP's Super Tuesday races. Поздравляю!
That's all for now! До свидания!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - January 31, 2012
Hey hey! Sorry for the delay. Let's jump right into the funny.
Remember the Spice Girls? They're reuniting to perform for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming jubilee and to remind the nation that the Queen no longer has the power to jail or execute her subjects at will.
In Chicago, a man was arrested for sleeping in a parked SUV surrounded by empty beer cans. After his arrest, he peed on the floor at the police station and then entertained the officers with a rousing bit of air piano. You can see him next season on America's Got Talent.
Glee star Chris Colfer said that the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute episode was traumatic for him, probably because he's the one who got to star in their Pepsi commercial/Atavin mashup.
In North Korea, state media is reporting that new dear leader Kim Jong-Un is receiving "rock star treatment" from the military, which probably means he's been kidnapped from South Korea.
Also in Asia, the Japanese population is projected to drop by one million each year until at least 2060. Although the human/body pillow hybrid population is expected to skyrocket.
In Ohio, Willie Nelson is campaigning for Dennis Kucinich, which is exactly what both of them need to be taken more seriously.
In India, film censors have banned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for violent and sexual content, as well as an unacceptably low number of show-stopping song and dance numbers.
And finally, Julian Assange will be on The Simpsons' 500th episode! The story was released by blah blah blah wikileaks.
And that's it! Enjoy your morning, and I'll see you tomorrow!
Remember the Spice Girls? They're reuniting to perform for Queen Elizabeth's upcoming jubilee and to remind the nation that the Queen no longer has the power to jail or execute her subjects at will.
In Chicago, a man was arrested for sleeping in a parked SUV surrounded by empty beer cans. After his arrest, he peed on the floor at the police station and then entertained the officers with a rousing bit of air piano. You can see him next season on America's Got Talent.
Glee star Chris Colfer said that the upcoming Michael Jackson tribute episode was traumatic for him, probably because he's the one who got to star in their Pepsi commercial/Atavin mashup.
In North Korea, state media is reporting that new dear leader Kim Jong-Un is receiving "rock star treatment" from the military, which probably means he's been kidnapped from South Korea.
Also in Asia, the Japanese population is projected to drop by one million each year until at least 2060. Although the human/body pillow hybrid population is expected to skyrocket.
In Ohio, Willie Nelson is campaigning for Dennis Kucinich, which is exactly what both of them need to be taken more seriously.
In India, film censors have banned The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for violent and sexual content, as well as an unacceptably low number of show-stopping song and dance numbers.
And finally, Julian Assange will be on The Simpsons' 500th episode! The story was released by blah blah blah wikileaks.
And that's it! Enjoy your morning, and I'll see you tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - August 17, 2011
Just when you thought it was going to be Tuesday again, it's Wednesday! Isn't that great? Yes, it is. Okay, and comedy is now!
In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."
In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.
Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.
In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.
Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.
And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?
Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
In Delaware, the ACLU is defending the right of a convicted sex offender to live near a day care center. Said one lawyer, "yeah, I live across town."
In Maryland, a flash mob is being blamed for a 60-second robbery of a 7-11 store. Was it a flash mob, or just really efficient looting? We'll need to review the security footage to check for douchebag hipsters.
Speaking of douchebags, Governor Rick Perry said today that if the Chairman of the Federal Reserve prints more money before the next presidential election, it is tantamount to treason. Also treasonous: anything that helps to stabilize the economy and/or make it easier for President Obama to be reelected. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
Remember that Rembrandt that was stolen from a California hotel recently? If you don't, go read yesterday's post. Go on, I'll wait. Okay, well police found it yesterday in a nearby church. At least the thieves didn't sell out.
In Forney, Texas, an 11 year-old girl was made Mayor for a day recently. First order of business, she renamed a street for Justin Bieber. Second order of business: get rid of all the Mexicans. That's the law. TEXAS-STYLE!
In other musical news, the rock group KISS got booted off an upcoming Michael Jackson tribute, presumably because they weren't considered solemn enough for the event. Either that or they had creative differences with the organizer: a chimpanzee. Because Michael loved... oh, never mind.
Speaking of other unspeakables, Casey Anthony's parents will be interviewed next week on the Dr. Phil Show because they haven't suffered enough.
And lastly, there's a rumor going around that Abercrombie & Fitch started bribing the Jersey Shore cast members to stop wearing their clothes. So, does that mean the Jersey Shore jerks are too douchey or not douchey enough?
Alright, those are some jokes. I'd say they're probably average. There will be more tomorrow.
Till then, have a great day!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 30, 2011
Can I interest you in some Thursday? How about a series of jokes? COMMENCE FRIVOLITY!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
So, a judge in California just garnished Charlie Sheen's wages for child support. How much? Only $55,000 per month. Guess therapy can get pretty expensive, huh?
Last week, a man pretended to be a soldier returning from overseas so that he could get a free upgrade to first class on an American Airlines flight. After discovering the ruse, the airline offered him another free first class fight to Kabul. One way, of course.
The Pope started tweeting this week, and frankly I'm amazed at how much the Vatican apparently wants me to have an iPadd for fereee no cost clik here!!!! Also, he's retweeting a lot from @TheRealJC (Verified).
This week Newsweek ran a front page story on what Lady Diana would be like if she were still alive at age 50. I don't know what she'd be up to, but I think I might have figured out why people aren't reading Newsweek anymore. Way to go, Tina Brown.
In financial news, Bank of America is close to issuing a settlement to its investors for $8.5 billion. That would be a hell of a Community Chest card. Maybe it will be in the new "Colossal F*ck-Up" edition of Monolopy™ coming out this year. Just in time for the second recession!
Liz Taylor's jewelry has gone out on tour in preparation for sale at auction. Well, it looks like Michael Jackson really is dead, or else this would have smoked him out.
A recent poll found that Republican voters are unhappy with their choices in the Presidential primary. How shocking that Republican voters are unhappy. They're usually such a mellow, Zen-like group of folks.
And finally, Google is in beta testing for a new social network meant to "out-Facebook" Facebook. A spokesman for the company explained the new venture, saying, "we're way better at selling your personal data. Always have been, always will be. Now, who wants video chat?!"
That's it for me for the week! I've done better, certainly, but it's free, so... anyway, come back tomorrow for Spencer Hicks! And have a great day!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 29, 2011
Alright, team. Stay focused. We're doing great. By the way, have you voted yet for your favorite contestant on The Voice? I really hope that Cee-Lo's mohawk wins it all. Anyway, let's have some intentional jokes now...
Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.
On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?
A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.
Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.
In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.
Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine
Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.
And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:
Speaking of creepy musicians, Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket sold for $1.8 million. So, a rich weirdo bought a dead guy's clothes? I think Michael would be happy with that. Oh, and also, the jacket will be sent on tour to raise money for children's charities. There's probably a joke about still touching children's lives from beyond the grave, but I'm not about to make it.
On the Internet, MasterCard's website went down today, but representatives from the company were quick to point out that it wasn't due to hacking. Nope, this was just good old fashioned incompetence. Feel better?
A study published last month found that crows could recognize human faces and held grudges against humans for years, even going so far as to warn other crows about dangerous people. Pretty smart, huh? Too bad they couldn't divert some of that brain power to controlling when and where they shit.
Speaking of angry birds, Barnes and Noble just partnered with Rovio, makers of the "Angry Birds" game, to make special content available to gamers who visit Barnes and Noble stores. Because there's nothing that gamers love more than going places.
In international news, this week Iran showed off a new top-secret line of ballistic missiles and secret missile silos. Apparently the Farsi word for "secrecy" means something different than the English version.
Back to the Internet now, and news that Twitter co-founder Biz Stone is stepping away from day-to-day operations of the micro-blogging website. But he's not retired yet. No, he's already busy sending out hundreds of 140-character resumes. #ProbablyDoingJustFine
Back to the Internet for drugs now, with word coming from New York that the man behind the new narcotics called "bath salts" was finally arrested. Now that he's off the streets, there's gonna be a sad bunch of fiends hanging out at Bed Bath and Beyond. Maybe they could just start drinking booze, like real Americans.
And lastly, in political news, rock star Tom Petty sent a cease-and-desist order to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann's campaign demanding that she stop using his song "American Girl" in her videos and public events. He said she's welcome to some of his other songs:
- "Fooled Again"
- "No Second Thoughts"
- "You Can Still Change Your Mind"
- "A Wasted Life"
- "The Damage You've Done"
- "All The Wrong Reasons"
- "Makin' Some Noise"
- "Zero from Outer Space"
- "Asshole"
- "Won't Last Long"
- "No More"
- "Money Become King"
- "When a Kid Goes Bad"
- "Yer So Bad"
- and of course, "Don't Come Around Here No More"
That's all for today! Come back tomorrow, unless you're too busy running down a dream.
Have a great day!
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