Monday Morning Monologue - February 27, 2012

Did anyone else watch the Oscars on Twitter last night? I wonder if anything else happened. Oh, wait, this stuff happened. And I wrote some jokes about it.

At a recent rally, Mitt Romney confused "conservatism" with "conservationism" and pledged to protect America's natural resources from harmful exploitation. I'm just kidding. He'd never do that.

The film Hugo picked up the first two Oscars last night, which led to some brief drama when it was explained to Hugo Chavez that he would not be able to make an acceptance speech. He then said that Billy Crystal smelled like brimstone.

Wikileaks has already leaked next year's winners.

At the technical awards ceremony, The Help took home the award for Outstanding Achievement in Craft Services. For the poop pie.

Filmmaker and actor Sacha Baron Cohen was allowed to wear his "Dictator" costume on the red carpet after pledging that he would not actually be entertaining (thus setting an unrealistic expectation for the rest of the evening).

Across town, Adam Sandler set a Razzie record with 11 nominations, the most for a single person in one year. Upon hearing the dis-honor, Mr. Sandler burst into tears and blew his nose on a stack of $1000 bills.

Even further away from the Oscars, Lucy Lawless was arrested for taking part in a Greenpeace protest against arctic drilling. First joke: think she's taking her name too seriously. Second joke: that sound you hear is a million Xena fans taking to the Internet to write Xena-in-prison erotic lesbian fanfiction. Please don't Google that.

And finally, women on Facebook are un-friending people at a much higher rate than men, says the scientist you stood up for a date last week.

That's all. Sorry for all the Oscar-bashing, but I watched last year's and I still hold a grudge. Happier times tomorrow!

Tuesday Morning Monologue - February 7, 2012

Roll it! We've got some ground to cover. No time for chit chat. None at all. Jokes...

The U.K. is celebrating the 60 years Queen Elizabeth II has spent on the throne. Longest potty-training ever.

Country musician Randy Travis was arrested for public intoxication outside a Texas church this weekend. Fortunately, he can write it off as a business expense.

Scientists from America and Russia are racing to be the first to drill into a newly-discovered Antarctic lake that has been hidden for 20 million years. The first team to find new forms of life gets to name them, and then eat them. Those are the rules of science.

Also, apparently they've never read At the Mountains of Madness.

Cyclist Alberto Contador was stripped of his Tour de France title for doping this week. It's a huge disappointment to his fans, who must now give back all the money they made betting on him. Those are the rules of gambling.

Speaking of gambling, Newt Gingrich edged out Ron Paul for second place in the Nevada primary, but unfortunately still did not cover the spread.

However, Gingrich did receive an endorsement from Chuck Norris yesterday. When asked if this was a purely political decision, Norris replied "this time, it's personal." Then a bunch of ninjas came in and Norris had to fight them off before they were able to talk about climate change.

Google recently hired a top executive away from Apple to work on a "secret project." Sources at Google confirm that it is, in fact, just a really big surprise birthday party.

And finally, 37 million people watched the season premier of The Voice on Sunday, or in other words: 14 times as many people as have voted in the GOP primary race so far. Maybe they could up that number with a crossover...

Congratulations, Whitney, you're no longer the worst thing I've seen on television.

Okay, that's it! See you next time!