Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 2, 2011

So, you say you want a revolution? Take your pick. But first, some jokes.

A leaked document from America Online outlined the companies new focus on becoming known as a content provider. The key to the new strategy is reminding people that AOL still exists, perhaps by sending a CD-ROM with information about AOL to every man, woman and child in America.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak announced that he will step down in September, saying "Yes, I will totally step down. Probably. Anyway, can we all just chill out until then and get back to the repression? By the way, does anyone want to be in my new cabinet? Anyone?"

In medical news, a study found a link between kids who undergo tonsillectomy surgery and future obesity. Must be all the ice cream.

In Los Angeles, a jury deadlocked in a mock trial to determine if the fictional character Hamlet was legally sane when he murdered Polonius. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy presided over the trial and offered an 18-page ruling written entirely in iambic pentameter.

Justin Timberlake turned 30 on Monday, which is actually 114 in pop-star years. JC Chavez was unavailable for comment due to the fact that no one knows where he is.

In Dallas, strip clubs are preparing for the Superbowl by hiring an additional 10,000 strippers to accommodate the influx of football fans. No word yet on how many security guards will be hired to protect them from Ben Rothlesberger.

Lazy-eyed Congresswoman Michelle Bachman voiced concern this week that nude photos of herself from airport body scanners would end up on the Internet. Looks like someone thinks pretty highly of herself.

Lastly, in education news, film star James Franco will be teaching a college course on himself. Writer and award-winning megalomaniac Aaron Sorkin voiced his support, saying "I wish I'd thought of that."

That's it.

See you tomorrow! Spread the word!

Thursday Morning Monologue - January 20, 2011

Alright, let's get to it.

Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.