Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Showing posts with label nigeria. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nigeria. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - April 19, 2011
We all need a distraction from time to time. Today, like every other day, it's gonna be jokes.
Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.
A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.
The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.
Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"
The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.
Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.
Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.
And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.
That's all for today! See you tomorrow!
Following the peaceful election of Goodluck Jonathan in Nigeria, riots broke out across the country, right on schedule.
A company recently started selling a home STD test, touting the importance of privacy and discretion. After accusations that the tests are largely inaccurate, the manufacturer explained that the test is so private, not even the patient can be told the results.
The U.S. Navy recently unveiled new laser-based weaponry that will be used to fight pirates in what has been dubbed Operation Totally Awesome.
Justin Bieber lost his crown as the most viewed on YouTube last week to Rebecca Black and her video for "Friday." A confused Bieber said "Wait a minute, her song sucks... have I been doing this wrong the while time?"
The Volkswagen Beetle is undergoing yet another redesign. The company is just trying to get as far away from Hitler's original design as possible.
Dating website Match.Com began screening it's users to identify sex offenders. Membership in eHarmony expected to explode.
Donald Trump recently called America a laughingstock, but made no reference to his hair.
And finally, Google has begun teaching computers to feel regret, and shame. Next they'll be learning to appreciate the films of Ingmar Bergman.
That's all for today! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 18, 2011
Let's get this week started right, by making fun of serious things that happened in the world.
In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.
In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.
This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.
Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.
In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.
Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.
I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.
And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."
That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.
In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.
This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.
Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.
In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.
Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.
I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.
And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."
That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wednesday Morning Monologue - February 16, 2011
Let's get it on, people.
The World Bank today issued a statement warning that food prices are rising to "dangerous levels." A spokesman for A&P Grocery stores said "Food prices are rising? THEN WHY ARE WE GOING BANKRUPT?!" In a related story, armed robberies have skyrocketed at Piggly Wiggly stores across the country.
Six Nigerians are going on trial in South Africa for impersonating doctors and endangering the lives of sick people. The men are claiming diplomatic immunity, however, as they are all Princes.
In other legal news, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will stand trial to face charges that he had sex with an underage prostitute. Upon learning that the trial will be presided over by three female judges, the Prime Minister began violently pinching himself and screaming "WAKE UP! WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!"
In the world of entertainment, Charlie Sheen recently advised people to avoid crack cocaine "unless you can manage it socially." He will be taking that message of crack moderation to elementary schools around the country while production of Two and a Half Men remains on hiatus. Your move, CBS.
January Jones, star of Mad Men, said this week that having paparazzi near her home makes her feel safe, as she knows that someone is always watching her house. In a related story, January Jones has never heard of Princess Diana.
Billy Ray Cyrus said yesterday that the Hannah Montana show destroyed his family. That pain should just about clear his bad karma for releasing "Achey Brakey Heart."
In medical news, a study revealed this week that increasing your fiber consumption can lead to a longer life. On the downside, though, you'll be spending that extra time on the toilet.
Lastly, Charles Manson has retained the legal services of Giovanni Di Stefano, who once represented super-bastards Saddam Hussein, Ali "Chemical Ali" Hassan and Gary Glitter. When asked how he manages to defend these people, Mr. Di Stefano said "I simply remind myself that we all have rights, and no matter what these people have done, they are still not as bad as John Edwards. That guy is a total shit."
That's it for now. Enjoy your hump day, we'll see you again tomorrow!
The World Bank today issued a statement warning that food prices are rising to "dangerous levels." A spokesman for A&P Grocery stores said "Food prices are rising? THEN WHY ARE WE GOING BANKRUPT?!" In a related story, armed robberies have skyrocketed at Piggly Wiggly stores across the country.
Six Nigerians are going on trial in South Africa for impersonating doctors and endangering the lives of sick people. The men are claiming diplomatic immunity, however, as they are all Princes.
In other legal news, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi will stand trial to face charges that he had sex with an underage prostitute. Upon learning that the trial will be presided over by three female judges, the Prime Minister began violently pinching himself and screaming "WAKE UP! WAKE UP, DAMN YOU!"
In the world of entertainment, Charlie Sheen recently advised people to avoid crack cocaine "unless you can manage it socially." He will be taking that message of crack moderation to elementary schools around the country while production of Two and a Half Men remains on hiatus. Your move, CBS.
January Jones, star of Mad Men, said this week that having paparazzi near her home makes her feel safe, as she knows that someone is always watching her house. In a related story, January Jones has never heard of Princess Diana.
Billy Ray Cyrus said yesterday that the Hannah Montana show destroyed his family. That pain should just about clear his bad karma for releasing "Achey Brakey Heart."
In medical news, a study revealed this week that increasing your fiber consumption can lead to a longer life. On the downside, though, you'll be spending that extra time on the toilet.
Lastly, Charles Manson has retained the legal services of Giovanni Di Stefano, who once represented super-bastards Saddam Hussein, Ali "Chemical Ali" Hassan and Gary Glitter. When asked how he manages to defend these people, Mr. Di Stefano said "I simply remind myself that we all have rights, and no matter what these people have done, they are still not as bad as John Edwards. That guy is a total shit."
That's it for now. Enjoy your hump day, we'll see you again tomorrow!
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