Hi, y'all! It's almost the weekend! Can you taste it? If so, you should go see a doctor, because you're probably having a gustatory hallucination, and that needs to be checked out. And while you wait, you should enjoy these jokes!
Investigators found that a Japanese anesthesiologist fabricated results in 179 medical studies. And feels absolutely no guilt. Or anything else, for that matter.
In Pennsylvania, a deadbeat dad was arrested after being tricked into showing up for a part in a fake Jennifer Aniston movie. This is good news all around, as the jerk is going to have to pay $32,000 in back child support. But best of all, there's not really a new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Wes Scantlin, lead singer for Puddle of Mudd, plead guilty to cocaine possession this week, confirming once again that cocaine is not cool.
Nigeria will not be sending a government delegation to the Olympics this year, hoping to keep athletes focused and, according to the nation's Sports Minister, "cut down on jamborees from previous years." The move was met with immediate criticism from the Nigerian Ministry of Jamborees.
An art student at Brigham Young University created a giant balloon sculpture of NBA star LeBron James. The sculpture will be on ESPN tonight to announce it is leaving for a more exciting and profitable university on the east coast.
Los Angeles' recent law requiring pornographic film actors to use condoms will be headed to the ballots, it seems. Complimentary ballots will be made available in most bar restrooms.
French police raided Nicolas Sarkozy's home and offices on Tuesday, looking for evidence of involvement in illegal activities. Also raided: his wife's panty drawer.
She's hot.
And finally, the New Jersey Nets are moving to their new stadium in Brooklyn. Look for them to become way more liberal, grow dumbass mustaches brag about how many vegetables their stupid CSA produces. Stupid jerks.
Have a great weekend, y'all!
Showing posts with label sarkozy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarkozy. Show all posts
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wednesday Morning Monologue - March 7, 2012
Wednesday is here once again. And it's brought you these jokes!
Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.
This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:
Well, can't argue with that.
Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.
He sucks.
Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.
French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.
Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.
I don't know where that came from. Sorry.
And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.
And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.
BYE!
Dunkin' Donuts is reaching into Chinese markets and trying to appeal to local tastes with a new pork donut on the menu. And if all goes well, they'll soon be unveiling their new recipe for bear claws. Made with bear claws.
This next joke isn't a joke so much as a headline that caught my eye. From Politico.com:
Speaking of Limbaugh, he got dumped by another radio station. If this keeps up, it will be a good thing. Seriously, though, he's been dumped by almost as many radio stations as he has been by women.
He sucks.
Musician and walking freakout Lady Gaga just broke 20 million followers on Twitter, which is about five times as many Scientologists as there are in the world. That news wouldn't be so disturbing if her next project wasn't a book called Gaganetics.
French President Nicholas Sarkozy says France "has too many foreigners." And he's right. I've been there. It was crawling with all sorts of Europeans. Mainly the French.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow will not be on The Bachelor next season. Probably because he's already agreed to be on The Biggest Loser. Yeah, take that, you successful, attractive, happy person. Loser.
Hundreds of comic books were damaged at Pittsburgh's ToonSeum by rain this weekend, which just goes to show that's what happens when you don't take proper care of your things and put them away when you're done! I mean I didn't want for this to happen, but if that's what it takes for you to learn that lesson, better now than later. Now come on, let's throw those moldy things out before you get sick and I'll take you out for a soda.
I don't know where that came from. Sorry.
And finally, Broadway director Julie Taymor claims there was a sinister plot to undermine her during the production of Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark. Producers shot back saying it was ridiculous, that nothing resembling a plot has ever been associated with the show.
And that's what it is! What? That's the end of jokes. Forever. Until tomorrow.
BYE!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - April 18, 2011
Let's get this week started right, by making fun of serious things that happened in the world.
In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.
In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.
This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.
Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.
In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.
Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.
I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.
And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."
That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
In Rhode Island, a group of monks started recruiting online. They're hoping to find guys who enjoy being alone, not talking out loud and not interacting with women at all.
In Nigeria, Goodluck Jonathan appears to have won the presidential election. He credited his supporters and his name.
This week, Variety Magazine lost a legal battle with the punk group The Vandals, probably because their briefs were written in that stupid abbreviated lingo.
Sad human being and funny man David Arquette said recently he was "tired of talking about" Courtney Cox. He made the comment during a 40 minute interview about his relationship with Courtney Cox.
In Oregon, authorities are trying to deny gun permits for medical marijuana users, arguing that people shouldn't have guns while under the influence of pot. But alcohol and hunting are still great together.
Retired (?) director Woody Allen said that French leader Nicolas Sarkozy could play roles similar to Humphrey Bogart, because the two men are very similar. First and foremost, they're both short and get women that are way too hot for them.
I just picked up "The King's Speech" on DVD, but the disc keeps skipping.
And finally, Raul Castro called for term limits in Cuba this weekend, saying "fifty, sixty years is probably enough. Hint, hint."
That's it for me. Hope you had a great laugh and shared it with your friends. See you tomorrow, and have a great day!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 20, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
Cable network TLC is planning a week of coverage for the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. The network pledged to cover the events with their usual respect and decorum, including reenactments of the ceremony performed by midgets and a special all-British episode of Sister Wives.
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