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Showing posts with label war on drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label war on drugs. Show all posts
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Monday, June 20, 2011
Tuesday Morning Monologue - June 21, 2011
Well, well, well, if it isn't Tuesday. How boring. Here are some jokes to spice it up.
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday night, the Miss USA Pageant crowned Miss California as the new Miss USA, assuming she's never taken nude photos or anything. It's worth noting that she was one of only two contestants who said they believe in evolution. In that sense, the Miss USA Pageant is just like a Republican primary debate. That, and the fact that nothing of any importance was decided. MISS AMERICA RULES, MISS USA DROOLS!
Speaking of ladies, human rights activists are petitioning US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to come to the aid of women attempting to drive in Saudi Arabia. Apparently they got a flat tire.
In more ladynews, the Supreme Court of the United States dismissed a gender-discrimination class action suit against Wal-Mart, partly because there were too many plaintiffs for the court to handle. In Serbia, Ratko Mladic is kicking himself for not taking the same route.
In Italy, actress and role model Angelina Jolie visited refugees from Tunisia and Libya. To acknowledge their bravery, she then apologized for The Tourist. At least in my heart she did.
It turns out that drug smugglers are using submarines to move cocaine from South America into the United States. You know, taking drugs may be for losers, but selling drugs is clearly for self-motivated, Type-A problem solvers.
In other winner news, Marilyn Monroe's dress from The Seven Year Itch just sold for $4.6 million at auction this week. Looks like someone's putting together the Halloween costume early this year!
Speaking of hot little numbers, Senator John McCain of Arizona said that there is strong evidence that illegal immigrants are responsible for wildfires tearing across the state. Well, if there's strong evidence that foreigners are coming here and harming us, maybe we should inva-- oh, hey, wait a minute! You almost got me again, you sneaky old fuck!
And lastly, a Japanese scientist made fake meat out of sewage containing feces, because of course he did. In an unrelated story, Jack In The Box is expanding in Tokyo.
Ending on a poop joke? OF COURSE! Well, this may be the wrong time to mention it, but it's a good season for fresh fruit. Just make sure you, um, you know, wash it first...
Have a great day! See you tomorrow!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - March 21, 2011
Happy Monday, everybody, and happy beginning of Spring! Wanna see if this season is as funny as the last one? Let's dive in.
In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.
In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"
In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"
In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."
In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.
In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.
In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.
In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.
In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!
Have a great day!
In communication news, AT&T is attempting to buy T-Mobile for $39 billion. Guess those commercials with the girl in the polka dot dress really worked.
In Belize, increased international demand for the grain quinoa has raised the price so much that the farmers growing the staple food are no longer able to afford eating it themselves. One local grower said "damn it! This is exactly what happened with cocaine!"
In Utah, the governor designated the Browning model M1911 handgun as the official state firearm. He also changed the state motto to "BLAM!"
In entertainment news, former actor Kevin Costner has officially joined the production of the new Superman movie. He immediately denied all rumors that the film would be "any good at all."
In legal news, an international pedophile ring was busted this week, netting over 300,000 suspected pedophiles. So, if the creepy guy who lives down down the street is still there, he's probably legit.
In diplomatic news, Carlos Pascual, America's ambassador to Mexico, has resigned after saying the Mexican government was proving ineffective in the war on drugs. He also confirmed that, yes, that dress does makes his wife's ass look a little fat.
In other romantic news, Tiger Woods has a new girlfriend. The famed golfer says he's happy to be in a relationship, and is looking forward to just cheating on one woman at a time.
In lastly, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen just bought a refurbished MiG-29 fighter jet, meaning things are about to get very bad for anyone who ever gave him a wedgie.
In the end, that's all I've got for you today. Share us with your friends and networks through the magical buttons below, tell us what's on your mind, and come back soon!
Have a great day!
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