Senator Tom Coburn recently said that not raising the national debt ceiling, thus defaulting on our national debt, risking a government shutdown and possibly tanking the world economy, could be a "wonderful experiment." Bold words from the nation's first Mad Scientist senator.
Venezuela's Vice President filled in for President Chavez at a key speech this week, saying that while the President was too ill to attend, he plans to be back to repressing the country just as soon as he possibly can.
The CDC revealed that at least 11 workers at U.S. biological laboratories were infected with dangerous pathogens between 2004 and 2010, which means working at the labs is slightly less dangerous than eating at Taco Bell.
In Florida, Cuban-American journalist Jose Diaz-Balart said yesterday that "Aryan, blonde, blue-eyed people immigrate illegally too." Historically speaking, it's referred to as World War II.
Publishers at The Atlantic apologized yesterday for posting a pro-Scientology "advertorial" that many visitors to the website mistook as a pro-Scientology news piece. Editors blamed the mistake on unruly Thetans in the newsroom. Or Engrams. Whatever it is.
Reuters reported on a study yesterday linking caffeine to leaky bladders in men. Effects subsided when subjects brewed with a French press instead of a drip.
The mayor of Corleone, Sicily, apologized this week for those hurt by the town's longstanding connection to organized crime. He specifically sought to make peace with anyone who had inadvertently seen The Godfather Part III.
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in court for the 20th time, which means this time it's free!
That's it! Laters.
Showing posts with label coffee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coffee. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tuesday Morning Monologue - July 3, 2012
I sure hope you don't waste today sitting around, staring at a stupid screen all day. Unless you're reading my blog, of course. Jokes commencing!
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
A source close to Nadya "Octomom" Suleman revealed that she and her new boyfriend "haven't been intimate" yet. At least she hasn't felt anything yet.
Militant Islamists in Mali are destroying tombs, mosques and other archaeological treasures in the ancient city of Timbuktu as part of their policy of "being total assholes."
A recent medical study shows that coffee might help prevent skin cancer, but the downside is that will still give you third degree burns.
The remote town of Bethel, Alaska, was treated to a free feast of Taco Bell this weekend after a hoax circulated around town that the restaurant was moving into the area. The residents were treated to a meal of 10,000 tacos, made with 300 pounds of lettuce, 150 pounds of cheese, 500 pounds of sour cream, 300 pounds of tomatoes and almost 10 pounds of USDA ground beef. There's an equation there to calculate the amount of diarrhea produced by the town, but this blog is too classy for that sort of thing.
Singer/songwriter Lauryn Hill pleaded guilty to tax evasion yesterday, but with a smooth soulful sound rarely heard in courtrooms. Her plea agreement is certain to gold.
In Scotland, a nutritionist has created what he considers to be the first nutritious pizza in the country, which probably means he just took regular pizza, added a some tripe and boiled it.
Net Applications reports that Microsoft's Internet Explorer has more than half of the web browser market, because old people still surf the web.
And finally, tiny dictatorship Myanmar plans a second airport in the city of Yangon, giving citizens another way to not be able to leave the country.
Now go have a great day! Turn the computer off! (right after you email this to your friends, of course)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Monday Morning Monologue - April 2, 2012
Howdy, howdy! Let's have some happy stuff this morning. Or whenever. It's Monday, let's all deal with it.
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
A recent study found that people who eat fast food regularly are more depressed than the general population. Most depressed: McDonald's customers. Least depressed: McQualudes.
Also, a study of lab rats found that coffee actually makes industrious rats more lazy. So now we know how to make rats lazy. Great work, science.
This weekend, Ann Coulter said that Newt Gingrich can't run for President having had two extra-marital affairs, to which Gingrich replied "are you coming on to me?"
Democratic activist Aung San Suu Kyii won a historic victory in the Burmese election yesterday. Wait a minute. On April 1st... oh, you got us again, Military Junta!
NBA Knicks "star" Jeremy Lin is out for the rest of the season with a serious Linjury. Yeah, okay.
In Berlin, an artist has built a giant junk robot that knows how to play two songs on the bass guitar, which is twice as many as most bass players.
Psychiatrists have found that taking your dog to work actually cuts down on your job stress. Although, if you're working somewhere that you can bring your dog to work, it's probably not a stressful environment to begin with, so maybe you should just shut up and quit whining, you crybaby.
And finally, Rick Santorum said he would "without a doubt drop out of the race if Mitt Romney had 1,144 delegates." Other reasons why he would drop out...
- If God told him. You know, in his serious voice.
- If billionaires quit giving him money.
- If K-Mart would pick up his new line of sweater vests for the summer.
- If he came to his senses.
Okay, that's where we'll leave this for now. More tomorrow! Until then, have a great day!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - June 9, 2011
It's Thursday. Isn't that funny? Wait, what I meant was "that isn't funny." How about these jokes?
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
In Arizona, wildfires are spreading across the state like, well, wildfires. Despite the large wildfire presence, though, public schools will still be prevented from teaching any wildfire history.
In music news, rapper Fat Joe, so known for his legendary fatness and the fact that he goes by the name "Joe," recently lost around 100 pounds! Congratulations, Not Quite As Fat As Before Joe!
The Iranian women's Olympic soccer team was disqualified this week for insisting on wearing headscarves during their games. Also because of the Jews. They were also disqualified by the Jews, right Mahmoud? Yeah, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
In California, prison officials have done little to alleviate overcrowding as directed by the Supreme Court this year, and they risk violating the court's order. But come on... what if they don't do it? It's not like they're gonna get thrown in prison.
In Texas, a psychic detective took police on a wild goose chase to a supposed mass grave empty that turned out to be empty. Maybe there were a bunch of Jesuses in there, and they were just too late. Or maybe the PSYCHIC DETECTIVE IS A FRIGGIN' FRAUD! Either way, people were put in the awkward position of having to apologize for not finding a stash of human remains. Awk-ward...
In Basketball news, LeBron James was visibly upset by his team's performance in the NBA Final's Game Four this week. As a result, he'll be going on ESPN today to announce which team he will be playing for in Game Five. Oh, LeBron, you're kind of a douchebag.
Big privacy concern news with Facebook, again, as the completely voluntary website announced a new program that will be able to recognize faces in photographs uploaded by users, and tag people in possibly compromising situations. Pretty scary stuff, huh? Don't worry, though: they haven't perfected ass-recognition software, so moon away, America!
Lastly, a medical study this week showed that consuming five cups of coffee can make you hear voices. That's great news for lonely people, I suppose. Although, the voices mainly say things like "quit tapping your feet, already!"
Right, that's all for me. Come back for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll be here again on Monday! HOORAY! SUNBLOCK FOR EVERYONE!
Have a great day!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday Morning Monologue - May 31, 2011
Happy Memorial Day! Hope you're enjoying your day off. Or if you're working today, hope you're enjoying time-and-a-half. Obviously we're not taking today off, so you're not alone. We will, however, be doing a half-assed job. Just like always. It's a good thing I'm not a doctor. Or a high-ranking member of Pakistan's intelligence agency, the ISI. 'Cause they've already got enough people who suck at their jobs! BOOM! Okay, let's make with the jokes and laugh and clap and such.
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Who likes socially relevant jokes? Not me, so I won't be enjoying this next one. Here goes. So, South Dakota recently passed new laws regulating abortion access, and Planned Parenthood and other women's rights advocates are already challenging the law, trying to get rid of it before it even goes into effect. Anti-choice activists, however, want to see the law come into effect and, if need be, will help to find it a good home with adoptive parents... Wow, that metaphor was so tortured, you'd think it was in Guantanamo. BOOM! SOCIALLY-RELEVANT-COMBO!!!!!!
I'm really more proud of that than I should be. Let's move on.
Speaking of social relevancy, Sarah Palin rode into Washington, D.C. on a motorcycle this weekend to kick off a public appearance that is totally unrelated to her run for the Presidency, which she's totally not decided about. Totally. Oh, and by the way, thanks for ruining motorcycles. What's the best way to drain any subversive, counter-cultural credibility from something? Sit a Stepford-fascist on it. Wait a minute... can we get her to sit on Noam Chomsky's head for a while? Seriously, that guy has come down with a wicked case of tool-itis.
In other news of tools... Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who is still not a confirmed James Bond villain but come on, is receiving home-delivered breakfasts while under house arrest. No word yet if he's been able to find a cleaning service willing to budge on their non-rape policies. He's gonna like prison.
On a lighter note, it turns out that 3-D movies are not nearly as profitable as Hollywood was hoping. Looks they have overlooked the crucial cyclops demographic...
In Colombia, investigators uncovered a massive criminal conspiracy stretching back 25 years. No, really. It turns out that nearly seven million hectares of land had been stolen over the last quarter century. I can't imagine where that land was being hidden, though. Maybe Nebraska? Nobody ever goes looking for anything there.
In other Columbian news, coffee growers announced that demand for coffee is outstripping the ability to grow and distribute it. This is bad news for people who like a functioning society. Looks like there's nothing for the world to do but turn to methamphetamines and cocaine. Either that or START GETTING TO BED EARLIER! But what do I know? I'm posting this at 1:00am.
Speaking of drug-pushers, Saudi Arabian Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal called for OPEC to lower oil prices in order to keep Europe and America from finding alternatives and/or weaning themselves off of oil. What a pal, that old bin Talal. Next he'll call for men to beat their wives with slightly less vigor so as to keep them from agitating for more human rights. See, it's slightly better than the worst case scenario! Everything's fine, right?
And lastly, the government of Iran recently vowed to "unplug" the Internet. That's a clear sign that they have a full and functional understanding of how the Internet works. But I've got bad news for Iran. You can go ahead and unplug the Internet, you can destroy every computer and every server in the world, but guess what? You'll never be able to get Rebecca Black's "Friday" out of your head. Once it's there, the only way to get it out is with a bullet.
That's all! Hope you had a great weekend and enjoy today! We'll be back tomorrow with more, so tell your friends to check us out!
Also, if you're into that sort of thing, you can check out my new side-project, wherein we follow the fictional summer tour of a robot programmed to tell awful jokes at the worst comedy clubs in America. You know, that old chestnut. Check it out: http://theunstoppablehackbot.blogspot.com/
Have a great day!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Thursday Morning Monologue - January 6, 2011
Alright, let's get to it.
The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.
The Catholic Church is teaming up with Discovery Channel to produce a reality show based upon exorcisms, because who needs respect and dignity when you can be on television? A preliminary treatment indicates that viewers can vote for their favorite demons from week to week and, of course, Ryan Seacrest will host.
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