Wednesday Morning Monologue - June 15, 2011

What's got two thumbs and eight jokes? I don't know. READ THE BLOG!

I saw a headline today that said more adults are being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. That's about as far as I got in the story. Yeah, that's a crappy joke. So what?

In Japan, the government is giving school children devices to measure radiation. The devices are, by far, the creepiest thing that Hello Kitty! has ever made.

A report recently revealed that the majority of the guns used by Mexican drug cartels come from the United States. Finally, we're exporting something again!

Speaking of international relations, Defense Secretary Robert Gates urged patience in dealing with Pakistan. And by "patience" he meant "lots and lots of Hellfire missile strikes."

After "A Gay Girl In Damascus" turned out to be a 40 year old guy, yet another lesbian blogger called "Lez Get Real" turned out to be another man, confirming once again that every lesbian on the Internet is actually a middle-aged white dude.

Pandora, the popular Internet radio service, had their Initial Public Offering this week, and stock prices shot up to $16/share, proving there is money to be made off of people too lazy to steal their own music.

In California a man was sentenced to 30 years for stockpiling explosives in his home. In a related story, A&E just started filming the most exciting episode of Hoarders to date.

And last, sad news for Hugh Hefner, as his young fiancee Crystal Harris broke off their engagement just days before the wedding. I guess that means he's officially out of roofies.

Okay, that's that and I mean it. Let's make the rest of the day great, what do you say? Tell your friends, and come back tomorrow!

Thursday Morning Monologue - May 12, 2011

Goodness, goodness. It's Thursday, which means I'm all out of banter. But I've got eight more jokes before I bid you abiento.

So, Osama Bin Laden is still dead, which means, among other things, Al Qaida is without a leader. Yeah, it's very sad. There's a rumor now going around that they may not name a new leader to take Bin Laden's place. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said "aw, come on. You're no fun. What's the point of having all these guns... oh, nevermind."
 

Yesterday, former congressman Newt Gingrich announced he will be running for President in 2012. First on his agenda: building a time machine to go back to 1995, when he was still relevant.
 

Speaking of totally relevant politicians, Senator John Kerry is heading to Pakistan to calm diplomatic tensions with the United States. His plan is to speak for several minutes publicly in Islamabad, at which point it is assumed that the entire country will be too bored to cause any trouble.
 

This week in sporting news, Qatar was accused of bribing jurors who evaluated their bid for the 2022 World Cup. A representative from the royal family said "oh, is that not a thing we're supposed to do? So sorry! Here, have some bars of gold."
 

Elsewhere in the Middle East, Iran delayed an espionage trial for three American hikers. Apparently it's harder to manufacture evidence than they thought. Right, NASA?
 

At the Kansas City airport recently, a TSA screening agent gave a full pat down to a baby. Now, I'm all for safety, but if a baby is able to hijack a plane, then I think the baby gets to keep it.
 

Google announced this week that their Android operating system is being used to control actual robots. So, just be careful how you use that search function, and make sure you don't accidentally hit "search and destroy." Also, I can't wait for a robot in my house that constantly spews out targeted advertising any time I ask it a question.
 

And lastly, the great state of Florida outlawed bestiality this year. Kudos, Florida, for taking such a tough stand. However, and you might have heard this, the law is written to ban all sex with animals. Why is this a big deal? Well, humans are animals. That's one thing I remember from Biology class. So now, anyone who wants to get their freak on had best find a Google robot. Seriously, though, anyone fixing this law will first have to come out *against* the anti-bestiality legislation. So, good luck, Florida. Looks like you've screwed yourselves, which is, it turns out, illegal... oh well. I hear Georgia's nice.
 

A'ight, that's all you get from me this week. Stick around for Spencer and Earnest, and I'll see you next week! Tell your friends all about us, and have a great day!